The Remnants of Fear

I say I am not Christian; I don’t believe in God, but I still have many ideas stuck in my head. Despite hearing, “22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-34) as a child, like I said in my last post, I do not believe all women should be submissive. I identify as a submissive, but not because I am female.

However, I still have a lot of fear bottled up inside. I do not think my family or church intended to instill fear; I think they meant to give me hope of salvation, but all I see are paths to damnation. In some ways it works in my favor. For example, 1 of the 2 things that stopped me from attempting suicide since age 16 is a fear of Hell. I don’t think a just God would damn a broken human for his or her weakness, but I cannot be sure.

In other ways, the ideas I can’t seem to dislodge, despite my lack of belief in their religious tenants, are unhelpful. For example, I am technically a virgin. In other words, I have no experience with penile vaginal penetration. Why does this one act mean more to me than any other genital skin contact? Obviously there is a pregnancy fear, but birth control can easily take care of that. I also worry about STDs, but other sexual contact can transmit STDs.

In my mind there is something special about vaginal penetration. I can’t logically explain it, so I think it is a vestige of my upbringing. I feel a lot of guilt thinking about vaginal intercourse before marriage. I do not feel guilt about the other sex acts I’ve done. It is so frustrating! Clearly, I find alternatives stimulating. Yet, people hold it up at the Holy Grail of intimacy. So, maybe that is what I’m missing in vanilla intimate contact?

I hate how the very thought of an action can create guilt! It is absurd! It probably did not help matters when my mom told me she would disown me if I lived with someone before marriage…like my brother was at the time. He is still in the family, but she said she would be angrier at me because I am female and would risk more.

I read this blog post and it made me feel a little better because it reminded me of Deej’s West Wing Clip about homosexuality and the Bible. Both arguments mention relying on some sections of the Old Testament to decry behavior, while selectively ignoring other sections (ex. human trafficking). The earlier conversation helped me accept part of my sexuality in a new way. Yet, I can’t seem to shake this fear. It is illogical, right?! If the statistic on the linked blog post are true and 9 out of 10 women in 1940 had premarital sex, certainly a just God would not damn each of those people. After all, I believe the Bible says somewhere that all sin is equal and we’re all sinners. Therefore, lying to my mom every day about restricting my food is no better than premarital sex.

But then…WHY DO I EVEN CARE what the Bible says if I don’t believe?!? I think I care because I afraid it is true. Yet, if it is all true, then there is forgiveness. So, why am I so fearful?

I don’t want to have regrets. I don’t want to regret losing my virginity. I don’t want to look back and feel sad on my wedding night that I can’t give my virginity to my partner.

Oddly, since coming to terms with bisexuality, I don’t get the same sense to guilt over female-female fisting. WTF brain?!?! That would break the precious piece of skin your worrying about to!!

Firefly_going mad

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4 thoughts on “The Remnants of Fear

  1. I’ve never had qualms about pre-marital sex (and I don’t think it has anything to do with my religion; although I am not Christian, my “culture” and “society” do not appreciate it much). But I have always (except for a short wild phase) had a block with regard to casual sex. And the short, wild phase I speak of only lasted for about a year when I thought I’d just get it over with these two guys who seemed interested in sleeping with me (because I was so horny at the time). I never went through with it. And I am glad. I now get to go back to my Master and give all of myself to Him; and it means a lot to Him as He is the only person to have ever be with me physically(sexually).

    I think it depends on person to person, and what you believe in for yourself is something you should stick with, for your own peace of mind. At least, I do that. I try my best to not judge other people on their actions because I don’t know their situation and they don’t know mine. But I keep my own ‘code’ or something like that.

    I rambled so much. TL;DR. Basically, it’s not crazy to believe in something (even if you don’t believe in its origin) as long as it helps you cope with everything around. Hope that makes sense.

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    • *nods* I am definitely against casual sex of any type because I know the neurotransmitters involved are meant to promote bonding and I don’t want to deal with unnecessary painful emotions.

      As you mention, I like the idea of giving myself wholly and completely to someone forever.

      Yes, I see what you’re saying, but usually there is some other logic involved. Here, except for the idea of complete surrender to only one person, there is no competing idea. Although, with my submissive bent, perhaps that is enough of a reason.

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  2. Pingback: Unconditional Love, Coming Out, and Communication | Masochist Musing

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