Seven Year Anniversary

My most recent suicide attempt was seven years ago today. I was 16 years old. My first suicide attempt was an overdose 4 years earlier. Since then, my parents kept all medication locked in a closet. However, a few months prior to my 2006 attempt, I started stockpiling my medication. It was the day before Christmas Eve, but the date never entered my mind. All I thought about was the unbearableness of the unending, painful, and exhausting rollercoaster ride of my emotions.

I don’t remember much after taking the first few pills, until waking up in a hospital 45 minutes away from home two days later. I vaguely recall a woman holding me down, saying, “You can’t fight it, sweetie.” The next thing I know, I’m in a hospital bed, with an IV, catheter, baby-sitter, and a very sore throat. It took more than a week for my throat to stop hurting from the “Garden Hose” the hospital used to pump my stomach. By far the worst thing about my attempt was seeing my parents for the first time. Seeing their tear-stained faces and finally realizing the depth of anguish my suicide would cause, is one of 2 things that stopped future suicide attempts.

Depression lied to me. I did not think my actions were selfish. I truly believed my family and friends, in fact, the entire world, would be better off without me. I thought I was doing them a favor. I thought all I did was cause stress and heartache; if I was dead, everyone else would be happier. Plus, I believed living would always be as painful as it seemed in that moment.

Seeing my parents in the hospital helped bring me back to reality. No matter how bad, evil, awful, horrible, mean, pathetic, or weak I thought I was, I hurt them the most by killing myself and that was the opposite of my intention.

Yet, even at this point I was not sorry. I wanted to die. People say once a person jumps, kicks over the chair, or swallows the pills, they regret their actions and realize all their problems are solvable. I was not that person. When I woke up, I was angry they stopped me. I was angry I was still alive. In fact, I disconnected my IV, hoping I was not too late.

It took a few weeks for the depression to clear, but while in the hospital, despite guilt, I still wanted to die. Over the years, the image of my parents crying at my bedside stopped me when I felt suicidal again.

…………

And then I took a shower and realized, this post is morbid. I learned some important life lessons as a result of that attempt and I still have a long way to go, but focusing on the present is more important. For example, the loving, accepting family surrounding me! I don’t know why they put up with me; I wouldn’t.

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10 thoughts on “Seven Year Anniversary

  1. Morbid or not I imagine it takes some serious guts to write about this sort of stuff publicly, (even anonymously). I’m trying to think of a good way to say “You go girl!” that doesn’t sound so offensively trite… but failing… hopefully you get the sentiment though!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes it scares me; I know if someone who knows me did the work and looked closely, I am identifiable. However, I’m struggling with a lot of this and I need help to sort it all out. Also, I’m sick of hiding everything. Realistically, I wouldn’t want everyone in my life to know all this, but in a way it would be easier.

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      • Maybe I have just been fortunate, although I haven’t told many people about my “interests”, (and definitely not family members!), but people are often more understanding than you might expect. I also think being honest with people is really empowering in a way… I know if anyone tried to black mail me I’d just tell them to do their worst. I guess I’m arrogant/foolish enough to not really be ashamed of my interests, and if the rest of world thinks I should be that’s their problem.

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        • I’m currently finding your words very truthful! Haha, I just told my sister-in-law, brother, and a friend in the past few days and so far, it has been amazing! I feel much more open, trusting, and true to myself.

          I am jealous that you are not ashamed. You have no reason to be ashamed, neither of us have reason to be ashamed, but I am.

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  2. What an awesome anniversary! Suicide is such a permanent solution to a temporary problem and it creates a permanent problem with no possible fix for the ones you leave behind. I’m very glad your attempts were not successful.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: To Die or Not to Die | Masochist Musing

  4. Pingback: The Medication Merry-Go-Round | Masochist Musings

  5. Pingback: Suicide Attempt Anniversary | Masochist Musings

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