Crying in Least Favorite Professor's Office

*this happened two weeks ago, I’m not sure why it is in my Draft folder*

I just met with my Contract’s professor. I don’t know if I can call him my least favorite professor anymore. I was certain he hated me, but he was sweet.

He said sometimes it isn’t a question of whether you can make it in law school, but whether right now is the right time to go to law school.

He also said a C (which is literally average because they force the curve) in Contracts does not reflect my capability. Furthermore, I’m extremely smart based on my essay answers and my answers in class (WHEN I COME TO CLASS). Therefore, it makes him sad that I got a C last semester because he is sure based on raw intelligence I should be at the top of the class. In addition, he worries because I’m already struggling again and as a result of missing 5 out of 6 classes so far this semester, I am already in a hole again. He doesn’t want me to have to dig myself out of a hole.

He said I have an interesting choice. On one hand, I could quit, get better, wipe the slate clean, and get the grades I deserve. He said it was “unfair” and used words like “deserve”, but I don’t see myself as entitled to a certain grade because I’m smart. I didn’t do the work or show up to class. Of course my grades did not reflect my capability. I deserved to fail. I didn’t say any of this. I was too busy wiping tears from my face because I know he, my LRW professor, and my friend are right.

*****warning lots of cursing ahead*****

I know a C average (I got a C+, C, and C-, which equals a straight C average) does not reflect my capability. I know based on the LSAT scores of my classmates, subjective impressions of professors, and the general population bell curve (Granted it would be different in law school because theoretically only smarter people go to grad school of any type. So, most likely I wouldn’t be as high on an IQ bell curve of my law school peers versus an IQ bell curve of the general population), I should be at the top of my class. In fact, using those measures, a C equals failure…like seriously, since I’m objectively intelligent, a C is abysmal. If I’d gone to class, read for class, done homework before the night it was due, and made an attempt to study for the exams, I should have easily gotten As. I know they’re correct when they say I am not living up to my capability and my grades do not indicate my ability. The problem is I have to at least SHOW UP TO FREAKING CLASS, read for class or FOR GOD SAKES AT LEAST OPEN THE BOOK, start a research paper before FOUR FUCKING HOURS before it is due (seriously?!?! WHO DOES THAT?!?! We’re given weeks to work on it and even class time off and I start it 4 hours before it is due. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?!), and study for more than a FRIKING HOUR (Again, what the hell, you stupid fucking bitch?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You have no school from Thanksgiving to December 10th because they expect you to STUDY a semester’s worth of material. What does the lazy idiot do?!? NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING…until 1 hour before the exam begin.)

I don’t know what my fucking problem is!! I’m not lazy. Honestly, I am not. I used to be on the Dean’s List in college, what the fuck is wrong with me?! Oh I know….fucking depression. But the fucked up thing is I WASN’T DEPRESSED the summer between senior year and law school or during Winter break. Law school makes me depressed!!!!!! So, what the fuck can I do? If I quit, I believe my depression will lift. I don’t think I’ll need a higher level of care. If I begin again or take a leave of absence and start where I left off, I think the same thing will happen all over again.

Right now I am miserable. I cannot take 3 more years of this fucked up madness. I’ll go more insane. So, why stay?

Because I hold out hope that when I am interested in the course material, I’ll like law school.

He said on the other hand I could decide to stay and push through it, but if I decide to stay I need to camp out near his office and get help to make sure I understand all I’ve missed. Also, if I miss even one more class, I can’t take the exam. In other words, I fail the class.

On the bright side, I feel a little better after crying and cursing a lot while ranting. Ha, if you knew me, you’d know I rarely curse, even in anger. I’m 23 and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cursed at someone. Apparently, it helps to release my self-hatred.

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One thought on “Crying in Least Favorite Professor's Office

  1. Pingback: The (AWFUL) Reasons I’m Staying in Law School | Masochist Musing

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