I’m not in love. I KNOW that. However, I sense my feelings slipping. As much as I like someone else to take control in various areas of my life, I detest not being able to control my emotions!
I find my fantasies changing from faceless amoral kidnappers, to him. Of course, there is still violence, but it is different. There is less of the foolhardy kind I can indulge in the safety of my mind and more of the safe and sane kind. Worse still I find my fantasies sometimes revolving around the future, like kids and normal family things. I had a tough time sleeping last night.
I know I am not in love. It is impossible. I am in lust. As I said earlier, I’ve never felt this strongly for someone and it terrifies me. I want to reign in my emotions. I can see getting too close and feel my heart breaking. I’m afraid.
This sucks! I want so badly to fall in love, have that deep connection with someone, and grow old together. At the same time, I’m scared to let myself be emotionally dependent on someone, to be too enamored, and then they’ll leave and I’ll be bereft.
At the same time, I am afraid this feeling will fade. In fact, from other’s descriptions, I believe it will fade. Yet, I fear it will not be replaced with whatever affection keeps people in long-term relationships going. I know he isn’t the only person in the world, but in terms of necessary qualities for a spouse, he is damn near perfect in every important way.
On the bright side, I told him about self-injury and he didn’t seem too fazed.
*edit* I asked him why he wasn’t bothered by the SI. His response was incredible. I’ve never had a more understanding response, except from people who also self-injure. Quoting this will remove all doubt of my identity if he ever reads this blog, which would be unfortunate because depression and ED are still hidden. However, there is already more than enough here to identify me to someone who knows me personally.
“It’s not that it was something anyone wants their sub doing, but I’m realistic and understand that going through the normal struggles of life, plus your innate desires for pain, plus having to cope with accepting this side of yourself was a huge pressure, and that happens. There are plenty of angsty teens who cut without having to deal with the latter two pressures. You’re only human.”