Now You Want to Help

There is no grand revelation here. I’m just posting so I don’t say anything I’ll regret out loud or message friends in distress because that passes my stress onto them.

So, my dad just went to Walgreens and asked for my prescription so that he could drop it off for me. I didn’t want to give it to him because dropping off my prescriptions and handling my medications was one of the things my mom brought up yesterday.

NOW they want to help me stay medicated and in treatment (later yesterday my mom mentioned finding a new therapist). A couple weeks ago I wanted their help paying for treatment and they refused because they wanted me in a higher level of care than I wanted. Too late, I don’t want their help staying well.

Bullshit_Olivia_ Fringe

My dad is out of town 90% of the year. He is in town this week. I’m mad about that because it means I can’t B/P on my time off.

I cut because of those 2 things and because I was so wrapped up caring about Facebook *likes* that I didn’t even realize the meaning behind my friend’s pictures. Now my comments are redundant because a bunch of people commented. That reminds me that I’m a crappy friend.

ED is my Secret Weapon

Jealousy rears its ugly head again, but it helped me realize another function of my eating disorder.

I was browsing Facebook and the girl (“Heather”), who got all those compliments from co-workers last week, “liked” one of my closest friend’s (“Ginny”) new pictures before I did. Apparently I’m developing a one-sided competition with her. I felt jealous because I worry my friend thinks Heather cares more about her. Also, they spend a lot of time together because my friend is supervising Heather as she earns her Masters degree. Therefore, I’m worried she’ll decide Heather is smarter than I am and take Heather’s ideas more seriously than mine.

*Sees Heather liked Ginny’s new pictures before I saw the pictures*

“Ugh, Heather! Ginny will think Heather cares more. She probably likes Heather better anyway. No one likes you! You’re worthless. Why do you even try to make friends? Heather would be a better friend anyway. You’re selfish and needy.”

“It is OK! Soon I’ll be thinner than Heather. Then I will be better than Heather! She has no self-control. I have self-control. I am stronger than Heather. It doesn’t matter if no one likes me, as long as I have more willpower than them.”

My eating disorder makes me feel better about myself. It negates any negative feedback (either real or imagined). Didn’t get that promotion? It is alright, I can water fast for 5 days and the person who got the promotion is too weak to water fast! Friend decides to go out with someone else for the evening, even though they previously said they were too tired? No worries, I can lose 7 pounds in a week! It doesn’t matter what anyone says about me or what happens around me; as long as I can lose weight, I can be superior to those lowly humans who think they need food to survive.

My eating disorder makes everything else less salient. As a general rule, I hate myself. I literally want to obliterate most of myself. I want to kill the bad inside me.

Angel_hurting you

I draw all my self-esteem from external sources like performance evaluations at work or tests scores. ED is my only internal barometer of self-worth.

Now all I need to do it figure out how to get my needs met or overcome my fears without ED. LOL.

I feel like my emotions change with the wind. I hate the emotional rollercoaster I’m riding at the moment. Like, REALLY?!?! Seeing that someone *liked* a picture before me, causes this much distress?!  That isn’t normal. Last week I emailed a local DBT group. There are 4 clinicians certified by the Linehan Institute (Marsha Linehan created DBT. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is the gold standard for Borderline Personality Disorder treatment) in my state. This DBT group is run by one of those clinicians. I might be willing to pay for it. Right now, I don’t actually want to recover from my eating disorder. However, I do want less emotional dysregulation.

Afraid of Growing Up Stereotype

I fit so many stereotypes for eating disordered people; it hurts.

  • White
  • High socioeconomic status
  • Afraid of growing up
  • Female
  • Relapse-Recovery-Relapse-Recovery-Relapse
  • Emotionally dysregulated
  • Cutter
  • Selfish
  • Emotionally immature and childish
  • Co-morbid mood and personality disorders (I remember joking with a friend that once we turned 18, if we still had an ED we’d be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder because it seemed like everyone we knew from treatment over 18 had that Dx. Surprise! We both have that diagnosis. My most recent treatment team disagrees, but nonetheless, one person diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder)
  • Distorted body image
  • Control issue
  • Perfectionist

Today I argued with my mom about doing my fair share of the chores around the house. Perhaps argued is not the right word. We weren’t yelling. My mom was perfectly nice about it, until I started getting defensive. I cried. The argument I had with my dad yesterday was about taking responsibility for myself (Ex. getting my headlight fixed, making doctor appointments, waking up at reasonable hours). I’m avoiding all those things for specific reasons. The headlight- money, doctor’s appointments – I’m afraid of the results, and sleeping is just more peaceful than being awake.

There was no reason for me to cry while talking to my mom. As I said, she was nice and reasonable. She didn’t understand why I started crying and I didn’t want to admit the real reason. So, I was just a jerk.

I cried because I am afraid of growing  up. That entails so much. I’m afraid I can’t handle living on my own. I’m afraid my depression and eating disorder will consume me so completely that I won’t function at all and I’ll lose my job. Losing my job means losing health insurance and income. If I’m not making money, I can’t pay bills. All the responsibilities of living on my own and financial independence seem overwhelming. I don’t want to try and then fail. I’d rather let my ED handicap me, so that I never have to try. If I never have to try, I never have to face failure.

Yesterday, my first inclination was to dive so far into my ED that no one expects anything from me. Today, I wanted to cut enough to wind up in the ER. If I’m in the ER for psychiatric reasons, no one would pressure me about school or being a fully functional adult.

Clearly I'm not handling this well_Xander_Buffy

I feel like a pathetic, weak piece of shit admitting this function of my ED and I don’t know how to get over it.

 

Half-Price Cheesecake!

Today and tomorrow there is half price cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory! I think this is the case for Cheesecake Factories nationwide. I went with 2 friends to one near my house. We enjoyed cheesecake and conversation. It was fun! No ED talk because my 2nd friend doesn’t know about ED. It was nice to be normal for a few hours.

This morning I was 114, my weight restoration weight from inpatient treatment in high school.

Happy Dance_Charlie_ Felicia Day_ Supernatural

At the time I was happy to reach the goal. However, it was more triggering than I realized. I purged for the first time in a while. To be honest, I lost track of the last time I purged; it was more than a month ago. The cheesecake was heavy and calorie-laden. I probably would have resisted purging, but while driving home I involuntarily regurgitated some of the cheesecake. I swallowed it again, but it was like a sign my body was unhappy.

My dad was home. At first, I thought I wouldn’t because of the chance of being caught, but then he was sitting downstairs. So,  I purged in the sink upstairs to avoid flushing the toilet. I haven’t done that in years. I don’t feel disappointed, sad, or happy; I feel comfortably numb, but that is what purging does to me.

I also think fighting with my dad this morning was a factor. I slept more than he deemed acceptable because I have phone calls and errands to run. He woke me up and I said I was getting up, but then I went back to sleep. An hour and a half later he woke me up again and this time he was mad. We argued; I cried. However, it was lucky that he woke me up because my friends changed our lunch to earlier and I barely made it to the Cheesecake Factory!

Oh well. At least I’ll stay 114 and hopefully I’ll be below weight restoration next time anyone from work sees me! :

Now on Break

Today was a much better day. We had Water Day. I didn’t plan on getting wet and trusted my “don’t – touch – me” vibe to keep  me safe. It worked too. I walked among the kids and staff tossing water on each other and using water squirts *cough* water guns *cough* and stayed dry. However, I started overheating and asked a student to spray me. He did, but then another student picked up a sprinkler and pointed it towards me! After that, all bets were off! I was completely soaked. It was a lot of fun and I’m so happy I got to be there today.

I ate a giant piece of pizza for the first time in months. On Thursdays during the summer and Fridays during the rest of the school year, staff and students can order a giant slice of pizza. It was pretty good, but not as good as I remembered. I started feeling anxious about it soon after I ordered it.

“You are ONE pound away from your weight restored weight. WHY are you sabotaging your weight loss?! You don’t deserve food. You don’t even need food, [student] won’t elope or need transporting to the Quiet Room. You have no excuse for eating. Everyone will judge you. You disgust me!” And on and on…

Then I noticed I was eating during the kids’ lunch. Usually, I work during their lunch and eat during their recess. That made me more anxious because I planned to eat pizza with a friend and that adds positive social pressure. She usually eats second lunch. Initially, I thought I’d ditch the pizza, but I made the healthy choice and got my piece of pizza. Then when I walked into the room where we usually eat, she was there! That was a nice surprise and made eating it easier.

OH, speaking of eating… My boss brought in pastries this morning. Usually I avoid them because of restricting. Today I felt like eating them. When I walked in she said, “Oh, [I] can’t resist the sweet stuff!” I almost put my plate down and left! I’ll SHOW you self-control, bitch! I did not. However, in the afternoon, after everyone cleaned up and changed out of their soaking wet clothes, we  had ice cream. I put toppings on for a student and my boss joined us and commented, to everyone, that I love sweets! Note: I did NOT have ice cream.

She knows about ED. I think she is jealous because she is trying to lose weight and isn’t losing much. On the other hand, I lost 20 lbs in a month and a half. Therefore, I believe she is taking pleasure in seeing me eat “bad” food.

Now we have 2 weeks off.

 

Got to Work

Yay! I finally got back to work!!

The Good: I was giddy driving in to work today! 🙂 I really missed everyone. I was bored at home. That feeling confirmed that I love my job even though I’ve felt inept and disliked lately. When I got there someone who isn’t in my program asked about my absence and then my health. That made me feel noticed. Next, a co-worker gave me notes the kids and staff wrote for me. Every single staff person in my program said they were happy to see me and asked how I was, etc. Many of the kids had heartwarming reactions too. There is one kid that I worked with for a year straight (John) and when he saw me, his voice went up a few octaves as he exclaimed, “You’re back!!” Then he ran up to me and gave me a huge hug. 😀 People kept asking about me all day. Therefore, I felt noticed and missed.

Also, I advocated for myself and asked for a day to be put back in my paid time off account because school was unexpectedly closed one day last week when the air conditioning broke. Everyone got paid for it as if it were a snow day. First of all, I hate asking for things. Second of all, I felt guilty for taking Monday and Tuesday off and I’d decided not to ask for it back because I felt like I didn’t deserve it after taking more time than I originally said.

The Bad: I self-injured on the clock. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve done that. There were 4 distinct times I had urges. Oddly, it wasn’t during one of those times that I self-harmed.

1. A student said he hated me and he wasn’t in crisis. Usually that stuff doesn’t bother me. Idk if it was my anxiety about being back or something else. It occurred to me that maybe I feel like I’m always doing the wrong thing with him and somehow that transferred over. Perhaps I feel he should hate  me if I’m always messing up? I worked with a different student for a year straight (mentioned above) and there were months when every time he’d see me come to the bus he’d say he hated me, why can’t he work with someone else, etc. That never bothered me. In fact, the student who said he hated me today has said similar things in the past and it hasn’t bugged me. Later he said more insults and it didn’t matter as much. *shrug* I feel bad about feeling triggered because we’re not supposed to be bother by that type of thing. I feel like a childish baby.

2. I disagreed with my boss on data. I’m a perfectionist, so I hate being wrong. However, in this case, I think I was frustrated because I still think I’m right. I worry because if we’re all operating on different definitions of eloping, property destruction, etc., then the students’ behavior data is meaningless.We track how many times each behavior occurs per hour so we can see if our interventions are causing a decrease in behavior, but if we’re using different definitions, the data isn’t showing us anything because we’re tracking different things!

3. Then it was lunch time. I already toyed with the idea of restricting, even though I’ve been super good up until this point because of healing from surgery. I was a little late (like 1 minute) because only 1 out of the 6 kids had data filled out, even though there were 5 staff working during their lunch period. So, I filled out all of their data. However, as I walked to get my lunch, I saw friends leaving without a word to me. Yay, rejection. I know it was likely unintentional, but despite the probability it was unintentional, that is not how I think about it. Then I said screw it to food and napped in my car.

It was on my students’ 1st break after lunch that I started self-injuring (scratching, plausible deniability). That break was an hour and a half after I saw my friends leaving for lunch. I wasn’t emotionally overwhelmed. I had the skills to deal with my distress; after the 3rd trigger, I guess I gave up because low grade distress all day wears your defenses down? I knew I could sit with the feelings and survive, but I decided sitting with feelings was stupid. I was sick of feeling crappy. I think boredom was also a factor because the kid I worked with today had no behaviors and didn’t interact on breaks. I like working with challenging kids. I have self-injured purely out of boredom in the past. So maybe that was an unconscious trigger.

Shame on you_Willow_Buffy

4. At the end of the day, after the kids left, we had a meeting. The girl who got all those accolades on Facebook came to our meeting. Then I asked a (stupid) question because I’m stupid, lol. The worst part is people started expanding on the topic as if I was doing something wrong (which I’m not). I asked a question about data, unrelated to the earlier data issue, and it was answered. Then they (my boss and behaviorists) said something else about his behavior and our reaction to it, but it was directed at me.

Writing the 2nd and 3rd reasons makes me want to SI again, so I’m clearly still not over it. I made it through the way home though. I still feel guilty for SIing at work…Yet, after going back and adding the “good” part of the post, my current SI urge decreased to a manageable level. Emotional reactivity is awesome. -.-

THANK YOU

did i fall asleep1_Echo_Dollhouse - Copy

YES!! I finally got a good stretch of sleep in! At 44 hours, I finally got to sleep for 3 hours! 😀

It was a good thing I preemptively texted work last night to call off again because my mom came in why I wasn’t awake, a few minutes after I usually leave for work! Okay, going to try to go back to sleep. 🙂