Jealousy rears its ugly head again, but it helped me realize another function of my eating disorder.
I was browsing Facebook and the girl (“Heather”), who got all those compliments from co-workers last week, “liked” one of my closest friend’s (“Ginny”) new pictures before I did. Apparently I’m developing a one-sided competition with her. I felt jealous because I worry my friend thinks Heather cares more about her. Also, they spend a lot of time together because my friend is supervising Heather as she earns her Masters degree. Therefore, I’m worried she’ll decide Heather is smarter than I am and take Heather’s ideas more seriously than mine.
*Sees Heather liked Ginny’s new pictures before I saw the pictures*
“Ugh, Heather! Ginny will think Heather cares more. She probably likes Heather better anyway. No one likes you! You’re worthless. Why do you even try to make friends? Heather would be a better friend anyway. You’re selfish and needy.”
“It is OK! Soon I’ll be thinner than Heather. Then I will be better than Heather! She has no self-control. I have self-control. I am stronger than Heather. It doesn’t matter if no one likes me, as long as I have more willpower than them.”
My eating disorder makes me feel better about myself. It negates any negative feedback (either real or imagined). Didn’t get that promotion? It is alright, I can water fast for 5 days and the person who got the promotion is too weak to water fast! Friend decides to go out with someone else for the evening, even though they previously said they were too tired? No worries, I can lose 7 pounds in a week! It doesn’t matter what anyone says about me or what happens around me; as long as I can lose weight, I can be superior to those lowly humans who think they need food to survive.
My eating disorder makes everything else less salient. As a general rule, I hate myself. I literally want to obliterate most of myself. I want to kill the bad inside me.
I draw all my self-esteem from external sources like performance evaluations at work or tests scores. ED is my only internal barometer of self-worth.
Now all I need to do it figure out how to get my needs met or overcome my fears without ED. LOL.
I feel like my emotions change with the wind. I hate the emotional rollercoaster I’m riding at the moment. Like, REALLY?!?! Seeing that someone *liked* a picture before me, causes this much distress?! That isn’t normal. Last week I emailed a local DBT group. There are 4 clinicians certified by the Linehan Institute (Marsha Linehan created DBT. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is the gold standard for Borderline Personality Disorder treatment) in my state. This DBT group is run by one of those clinicians. I might be willing to pay for it. Right now, I don’t actually want to recover from my eating disorder. However, I do want less emotional dysregulation.