Alive and Not Well

My day went better than expected. I cut as soon as I got to work, but I got to work on time and didn’t avoid it an extra 10 minutes (yesterday my boss said I could come in 10 minutes later because they kept me 10 minutes late) or call off. It was bad enough that is seeped through my jeans, a lot. If I realized how much it was bleeding though, I would’ve asked someone to cover my student so I could try to stop the bleeding. However, I didn’t noticed until it was too late. I thought it was just a small black spot, which could be anything. When I looked, I saw the stain was rusty red and the size of a mini Eggo waffle. For the second day in a row, I’m washing blood out of my clothes. *sigh*

 

I did well staying completely engaged with my student. I went to lunch despite feeling like I didn’t deserve to eat. Yay for Acting Opposite! I also invited Heather and Ashley to lunch. That took effort. I’m glad I went and that I invited them. Lunch was hilarious! It was also good bonding with those 2. Thankfully my boss didn’t mention the data thing. I was prepared to scratch through that entire meeting and swing by Home Depot as soon as 3:15 hit. However, I didn’t need to. Despite no mention of the data issue, I wanted to cut once I got off work, but I gave Ginny my blades and meds. A wave of dismay hit me when I remembered that I no longer had my implements. I considered buying more blades or taking apart of razor when I got home, but I decided I should at least TRY. I went to the trouble of giving her the tools; it is stupid to go buy more right away. So, I turned my air conditioning as cold as it would go and I turned the fan on as high as possible. Then I cranked my music up. I made it home and now I’m typing here.

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Should be in a Quiet Room

I simultaneously want to skip work, binge/purge until I throw up blood, cut, and water fast until I pass out. Yay. 😡 I’ll probably hang out in my car until it is time to clock in and I’ll be surprised if I don’t cut. I hope it won’t be enough to bleed through my jeans like yesterday. I’ll probably skip lunch too. I felt like crying as soon as I woke up, after tossing and turning all night. I hate myself. If I get through this day without winding up in the hospital (or deserving to), it’ll be a miracle. 😥

 

Edited to add: LMAO, now I’m anxious I’ll be late because I looked at the clock and realized how late it was. >.<Why bother with life? Maybe this is all the medicine (or lack thereof) talking. *sigh* Time to leave. I pray my boss doesn’t mention writing on other people’s data in our meeting. Often she mentions issues people have (in general terms, never pointing anyone out, but I and the people mad at me will know). If she does, I fucking give up. I’m giving Ginny my blades, but if my boss mentions it, nothing stops me from buying more. Also, giving her the meds I bought to OD on, but the same applies there.

But Why did I Cry?

I got in trouble at work today and when my boss sat me down to talk, I cried (after ~ 10 minutes). As soon as they asked if I needed a minute, I ran out and self-injured badly, considering I had no blade on me. I pulled over while driving to cut properly. I am so screwed with my mom. There is no way I can hide them. I can blame titrating off the medication, but she’ll be really upset and worried.

Today when a kid was having behaviors, I filled out their data sheet. I thought I was being helpful, but it upset someone. Yesterday Ginny told me not to make people feel watched regarding following behavior plans or filling out data. She said that last week too. Therefore, I haven’t said stuff to people when they’re doing things wrong or said anything to Ginny or my boss. In my mind, this was different. I didn’t think my co-worker was doing anything wrong. I wasn’t looking at the data sheet to see whether or not she’d done her job and filled data out. I assumed she hadn’t because she didn’t have time. As a result, I wasn’t checking up on her. So, it felt like a different situation to me. When a student is in crisis, you don’t have time to fill out data. I meant to be helpful. I didn’t mean to offend or hurt her. Considering I’m tearing up typing this, I might be upset because I hurt someone else. That makes sense, but I know my reaction is disproportionate to the situation.

Also, I hate doing something wrong. However, I’ve been wrong in the past and it didn’t bother me this much.  Then again, I wasn’t this wrong. That is, wrong enough for my boss to sit down and have a formal conversation about it. “Conversations” go in your permanent file. I hate her thinking less of me, like I’m a jerk, or bad at my job, or uncaring, or rude. *completely crying now*

Furthermore, I don’t want to engender ill will. I don’t want to make my co-workers mad at me or make them dislike me. Yet, there were other times when I accidently angered someone. I did self-injure, but not this badly and not this impulsively. My boss said we have a really good group of people who work together well right now (true!) and she doesn’t want to endanger that. In other words, I ruined that! I caused a rift in the team.

I’m sure they’re all talking about me…How annoying I am.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to scar and I don’t even feel that much better!! It kept me from suicide, but that was it. I was on the brink. I almost pulled off a second time because my thoughts were too close to becoming actions. “You deserve to die! You’re awful at your job. No one likes you. You shouldn’t exist. That car is awfully close, if you slammed on your breaks, you might die. Or you might just get hurt. But that isn’t good enough for you. Look, the bridge, speed up and swerve into the concrete. That way no one else will get hurt! Yeah, you’re selfish, thinking of causing another person to have an accident. Mom wouldn’t miss you. She has (brother). It is raining, no one would have to know it was suicide. The rain creates plausible deniability, unlike the overdose you considered a few miles back.” I took my seatbelt off and went out of my lane. But I slowed down and got back in my lane. I almost pulled over at that point because I was endangering others. I took some deep breaths and turned up my music. I arrived home safely.

So, there are a few possibilities for why I cried:

  1. I upset someone else
  2. I did something wrong, majorly wrong, something I should’ve known better
  3. My boss is mad
  4. My boss thinks I’m ruining moral
  5. My co-workers hate me
  6. They’re talking about said hate
  7. Ginny and my boss don’t want to be my friends anymore

I didn’t write about the last one. But not being invited to lunch last week, along with Ginny saying, “If we’re going to do this, you can’t…” Do this? What is THIS?! I think this is being friends. So, I doubt I’ll eat tomorrow. Additionally, I doubt I’ll eat with them. I’m not mad at them or hurt by anything they said during the Conversation. I’m pretty sure I’m not wanted. I don’t want to make things awkward for them or awkward for my co-workers. Therefore, I’ll eat with no one. Plus, I don’t deserve to eat. Just like I deserved to bleed.

I’m also FURIOUS at myself for crying in front of my boss AGAIN (the last time was when I didn’t get a promotion). I’m furious because I know I showed my dysregulation and I hate showing weakness. She doesn’t need another reason to think poorly of me. She doesn’t know how fucking unstable I am and I don’t want her to know. If I hadn’t cried, I wouldn’t have SId so badly. I was so mad at myself for crying.

 

How to NOT feel left out

If you have the answer, TELL ME! Oh my fucking God. I always feel left out. Ginny talks to someone else in the morning? My boss walks into an all staff meeting laughing with other co-workers? I’m pathetic. I’ve been part of a pro-ana Facebook group for 4 years and for the past 2 years I only post occasionally. Today I looked at the group and saw people made a new Facebook chat group for a weight loss competition and I immediately felt left out even though I hadn’t posted in the group for 3 weeks.

Firefly_Saffron eye roll

Symptom Switching

I didn’t take Adderall today and I’m mindlessly eating everything in the house. I’m not hungrier than usual; I’m just stuffing my face without thinking.

I’m afraid my mom saw the cuts on my thigh. She glanced there a few times today. My dress was too short. I knew it might be a problem when I picked out my clothes, but I was rushing so my mom didn’t see me dress because of the cuts. Yesterday I wore sweat pants because they were clean pants and I needed to wear pants to hide the cuts. However, my mom commented. I didn’t want to arouse her suspicion. When I was on leave from inpatient during the summer, we fought because I refused to wear pants in 100 degree weather. That didn’t go over well.

Anyway, I didn’t want to wear pants again because I didn’t want her to know I’m still relapsing. She thinks I’m no longer struggling with my eating disorder. I care because I want to relapse again. I haven’t lost all the weight I gained from the family vacation. Self-injury is my current poison. I want it to be my eating disorder again. Sadly, symptom switching isn’t so simple. Self-injury only causes scars. At least my eating disorder makes me thin. On the other hand, the eating disorder seems to take over my life in a different way. My fears about pants were overblown; she wore pants! She hasn’t said a word about it. Maybe she didn’t notice.

I can’t handle people being upset around me. I was mad because my mom sighed. (YES, you read that correctly, I was mad because she SIGHED, that was all). I was mad because I thought the sigh was directed at me. She was annoyed that I wasn’t finishing the laundry. Her sigh wasn’t targeted, but she was miffed about it. When she noticed my anger, she made a comment. “That wasn’t at you. I just don’t want to do what I have to do and sometimes people have to do what they don’t want to do.”

Now I’m watching Catching Fire and wishing was strong and self-sufficient.

I think I’m repairing things with Ginny. Ever since we went on a Girl’s Weekend with some co-workers and I fasted the whole time, things have been more distant between us. However, since Ginny admitted the strain, we’ve talked more and had fun at the concert. Tomorrow night, I’m babysitting her daughter. Things feel better.

Creating a Life Worth Living

I slept in until noon (typical for my Saturdays).

I’ve spent my day researching the best snorkeling places in the continental United States (Key West, Florida?), Hawaii, U.S. territories (Turks Bay, St. John’s, U.S. Virgin Islands), and the world (Maldives – but which island?) to plan a trip.

I’m also looking into local events and offerings like the symphony and horseback riding lessons.

No triggers, not even upset, but self-injured anyway.

What is wrong with you_Dean Winchester_Supernatural.gif

Realizations and Real Friends

I feel guilty because I found out there are some serious problems going on for Ginny. Now I feel like a bitch for complaining the other day. I didn’t say anything to her about it, of course. However, I feel guilty for thinking that she didn’t care about me

On the way home it occurred to me that the voice was clearly wrong about Ginny twice this week and circumstances irrefutably proved my paranoia wrong. I was jealous seeing Ginny hanging out with the girl who got the promotion I applied for a few months ago. I thought it meant she liked that girl better or thought she did a better as a classroom supervisor than I did when I filled in for someone on maternity leave because Ginny never hung out in my room during those months. However, it turned out Ginny has specific work related things to talk about. Then I thought she said she couldn’t go to the new concert because she truly didn’t want to go with me. Now I know there are exigent circumstances. Therefore, maybe what The Voice says about  me isn’t always right. Consequently, I don’t always have to do what it says. Sometimes I don’t, but not listening to urges has more merit if I don’t deserve pain.

Supernatural Bobby SHHH

 

I applied to another study and didn’t get in again. What a great feeling. My depression is TOO resistant to get into treatment resistant depression  studies! Wtf?