Lost Girl

I’m at a loss today. Idk what is wrong with me. There were no upsetting events, but lots of bad behaviors. I can no longer count on one hand, the number of times I’ve self-injured at work.

I caught myself self-injuring all day (scratching until I drew blood and bruising). Yet, my thoughts weren’t negative. In fact, my thoughts weren’t apparent. My mind was quiet. My job is so engaging that I can’t ruminate or obsess, unless I’m with a kid who has no behaviors. That was the case today. However, the kids I was with were interactive and high functioning enough that we held full-fledged conversations and bonded over video games and sci-fi movies respectively. I was bored during lessons because I wasn’t teaching and I knew the content well enough that I could help students without thinking.

I fasted all day because I could. I was with kids who I was 95% sure wouldn’t need restraining.

Now I’m binging on Ginger Snaps. I don’t even like the taste of Ginger Snaps. I’m only eating them because they burn and I assume they’ll burn even more coming back up if this “self-injury” isn’t satisfying or if I eat too many.

Ugh. This is frustrating. Usually, I can pinpoint an antecedent, even if it is objectively insignificant and/or illogical. I’ve felt like I’m about to cry for no reason since I got off work.

 

Edited to Add: I did not purge. I napped instead. 🙂

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