I restricted, self-injured, and binge/purged at work. Just like yesterday, there were no real triggers. I was conscious of it today and I didn’t try to stop it. I realized 2 horrifying things: 1. I am just like my least favorite student. He is my least favorite student because he can control his behaviors. They aren’t impulsive rages. Moreover, his behaviors aren’t a result of his diagnosis. They’re learned behaviors that he has gotten away with for a long time. Of course, I realize that isn’t his fault. It is the fault of his staff who encourage him by laughing or engaging. 2. I am just as emotionally dysregulated and more impulsive than many of our kids. The only difference is that I act in. I started carrying around a broken soda can tab to cut with. I haven’t done that since Freshman year of high school. So, I’m not even attempting to wait out urges.
I miss feeling valuable. I feel so out of the loop, with the more challenging kids, being stuck in Barb’s classroom. My thoughts are no longer relevant and no one comes to me for advice anymore. I’m seriously considering turning down the promotion. I’ll never work with my favorite kids. I miss them and I’ll be bored.
Yesterday I received the sweetest birthday card! Heather made it and had everyone in the program sign it. It made me feel loved. I’ve worked there 2 years and no one has ever done that!