Today started out great! I woke up on my own and did all my ADLs (Activities of Daily Living – showering, eating, brushing teeth, dressing)! Incredibly, I felt like going out. For example, going to my church’s young adult group or even dating again.
I cried in church. I don’t think I’ve ever done that. They were happy tears though.
3 pastors told their stories. One talked about growing up in church, but not feeling God as she reached her teen years. She desperately wanted to feel connected to God, but she felt nothing. She started exploring other religions, trying to find God. Years later, in her 20s, she gave up. She prayed, saying she wasn’t Christian; she didn’t believe in Jesus and God had to accept that because she tried so hard, for so long. Immediately she felt peace for the first time in years and “heard” God say yes. Within a week, she finally felt God as a tangible force in her life.
She said, “When I finally accepted myself as I was, as imperfect as I was, I could feel God accept me.” She was more eloquent, unfortunately I can’t remember her words now! I remembered more of it in my first draft, which WordPress deleted when my browser refreshed during publishing. Nonetheless, the sermon gave me hope that I could one day feel God as a real, currently reachable, being.
Ginny asked me not to use behaviors in front of her. I tested myself during church. I caught myself scratching, picking, or bruising 11 times in a half hour! I was honestly trying not to self-injure. Every time I noticed self-harming, I stopped. However, it kept happening! I was surprised, disappointed, and a little concerned. This bodes ill for tomorrow and implies I’m not as in control as I thought.
I told her about my attempt not to self-injure because I’m worried she’ll think either I’m ignoring her request or I don’t care about her feelings and I’m intentionally self-harming in front of her for attention.
In spite of the SI experiment, I was still in a good mood during church and through lunch. I decided to nap before walking to the park. Talk about motivation! I couldn’t get sleep and masochistic fantasies ran through my mind. That hasn’t happened in a while because my mind was too occupied with eating disordered thoughts. I felt guilty. I felt like a freak. I punctured some bruises with a needle for quick pain and easy bleeding. I think I wanted to punish myself.