Damned if I Do, Damned if I Don’t

Fuck. I fail.

I told Ginny (she is my friend, but also the behaviorist) that I realized I get anxious about data because I want the data to be correct, not because I always need to be right. Then I screwed up and fixated on her reply. She said maybe the data sheets needed simplification.

I took that to mean they needed simplification because I’m an idiot. I started rambling. Damn it. I don’t know how to reality test appropriately. On one hand, clarifying what she means is a good thing. Right? That way I don’t misinterpret. On the other hand, I don’t know how to do that without going off on an insecurity tangent. Right now I’m stuck with either not clarifying her meaning and feeling worse about myself or asking what she means and sounding irrational.

annoyed buffy

 

Yeah, I’d be sick and tired of me too.

She reacted fine, externally, at least. I’m just mad at myself. I should’ve come here first and journaled to help me think of a more sane way of addressing my fears.

 

Edited to Add: Ugh. I did annoy her. She asked not to talk about work when we’re not at work… which is most of what we talk about. I give up. Now I want to self-injure.

But why? Am I mad at myself for annoying her? Am I mad at myself for being annoying to people in general? Am I worried she’ll totally give up on our friendship because I’ve been such a bother lately? Do I feel like I’ll never make and maintain friends because I’m too exhausting? Perhaps all these things because this is what I thought of off the top of my head.

I’m trying to suss out my underlying thought or feeling because objectively I know this is irrational.  If I can identify the underlying thoughts that lead to the emotional dysregulation, I can fix the emotional dysregulation.

 

 

 

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