Symptom Switching

I didn’t take Adderall today and I’m mindlessly eating everything in the house. I’m not hungrier than usual; I’m just stuffing my face without thinking.

I’m afraid my mom saw the cuts on my thigh. She glanced there a few times today. My dress was too short. I knew it might be a problem when I picked out my clothes, but I was rushing so my mom didn’t see me dress because of the cuts. Yesterday I wore sweat pants because they were clean pants and I needed to wear pants to hide the cuts. However, my mom commented. I didn’t want to arouse her suspicion. When I was on leave from inpatient during the summer, we fought because I refused to wear pants in 100 degree weather. That didn’t go over well.

Anyway, I didn’t want to wear pants again because I didn’t want her to know I’m still relapsing. She thinks I’m no longer struggling with my eating disorder. I care because I want to relapse again. I haven’t lost all the weight I gained from the family vacation. Self-injury is my current poison. I want it to be my eating disorder again. Sadly, symptom switching isn’t so simple. Self-injury only causes scars. At least my eating disorder makes me thin. On the other hand, the eating disorder seems to take over my life in a different way. My fears about pants were overblown; she wore pants! She hasn’t said a word about it. Maybe she didn’t notice.

I can’t handle people being upset around me. I was mad because my mom sighed. (YES, you read that correctly, I was mad because she SIGHED, that was all). I was mad because I thought the sigh was directed at me. She was annoyed that I wasn’t finishing the laundry. Her sigh wasn’t targeted, but she was miffed about it. When she noticed my anger, she made a comment. “That wasn’t at you. I just don’t want to do what I have to do and sometimes people have to do what they don’t want to do.”

Now I’m watching Catching Fire and wishing was strong and self-sufficient.

I think I’m repairing things with Ginny. Ever since we went on a Girl’s Weekend with some co-workers and I fasted the whole time, things have been more distant between us. However, since Ginny admitted the strain, we’ve talked more and had fun at the concert. Tomorrow night, I’m babysitting her daughter. Things feel better.


3 thoughts on “Symptom Switching

  1. Oh honey! I just want to gather you up in a hug and give you Katniss’ bravado.
    Too late to switch my other comment but I now see where it’s coming from.

    I’ve been exploring with new age-y things to try to work through some of my stuff.
    I’ve also put myself on one of those 30 day diets but have instituted 2 cheats a day.
    It’s one of those gluten, nut, dairy, sugar free things. I’ve chosen to still have a good cup of tea in the morning and allow myself one treat a day. This way I don’t have too much guilt but can control a lot.
    This is probably nothing like what you’re going through but my closest way to see if there is a compromise.
    No matter what you do or how you feel I’m listening. I hope that’s helpful to know

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Doublethink | Masochist Musings

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