But Why did I Cry?

I got in trouble at work today and when my boss sat me down to talk, I cried (after ~ 10 minutes). As soon as they asked if I needed a minute, I ran out and self-injured badly, considering I had no blade on me. I pulled over while driving to cut properly. I am so screwed with my mom. There is no way I can hide them. I can blame titrating off the medication, but she’ll be really upset and worried.

Today when a kid was having behaviors, I filled out their data sheet. I thought I was being helpful, but it upset someone. Yesterday Ginny told me not to make people feel watched regarding following behavior plans or filling out data. She said that last week too. Therefore, I haven’t said stuff to people when they’re doing things wrong or said anything to Ginny or my boss. In my mind, this was different. I didn’t think my co-worker was doing anything wrong. I wasn’t looking at the data sheet to see whether or not she’d done her job and filled data out. I assumed she hadn’t because she didn’t have time. As a result, I wasn’t checking up on her. So, it felt like a different situation to me. When a student is in crisis, you don’t have time to fill out data. I meant to be helpful. I didn’t mean to offend or hurt her. Considering I’m tearing up typing this, I might be upset because I hurt someone else. That makes sense, but I know my reaction is disproportionate to the situation.

Also, I hate doing something wrong. However, I’ve been wrong in the past and it didn’t bother me this much.  Then again, I wasn’t this wrong. That is, wrong enough for my boss to sit down and have a formal conversation about it. “Conversations” go in your permanent file. I hate her thinking less of me, like I’m a jerk, or bad at my job, or uncaring, or rude. *completely crying now*

Furthermore, I don’t want to engender ill will. I don’t want to make my co-workers mad at me or make them dislike me. Yet, there were other times when I accidently angered someone. I did self-injure, but not this badly and not this impulsively. My boss said we have a really good group of people who work together well right now (true!) and she doesn’t want to endanger that. In other words, I ruined that! I caused a rift in the team.

I’m sure they’re all talking about me…How annoying I am.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to scar and I don’t even feel that much better!! It kept me from suicide, but that was it. I was on the brink. I almost pulled off a second time because my thoughts were too close to becoming actions. “You deserve to die! You’re awful at your job. No one likes you. You shouldn’t exist. That car is awfully close, if you slammed on your breaks, you might die. Or you might just get hurt. But that isn’t good enough for you. Look, the bridge, speed up and swerve into the concrete. That way no one else will get hurt! Yeah, you’re selfish, thinking of causing another person to have an accident. Mom wouldn’t miss you. She has (brother). It is raining, no one would have to know it was suicide. The rain creates plausible deniability, unlike the overdose you considered a few miles back.” I took my seatbelt off and went out of my lane. But I slowed down and got back in my lane. I almost pulled over at that point because I was endangering others. I took some deep breaths and turned up my music. I arrived home safely.

So, there are a few possibilities for why I cried:

  1. I upset someone else
  2. I did something wrong, majorly wrong, something I should’ve known better
  3. My boss is mad
  4. My boss thinks I’m ruining moral
  5. My co-workers hate me
  6. They’re talking about said hate
  7. Ginny and my boss don’t want to be my friends anymore

I didn’t write about the last one. But not being invited to lunch last week, along with Ginny saying, “If we’re going to do this, you can’t…” Do this? What is THIS?! I think this is being friends. So, I doubt I’ll eat tomorrow. Additionally, I doubt I’ll eat with them. I’m not mad at them or hurt by anything they said during the Conversation. I’m pretty sure I’m not wanted. I don’t want to make things awkward for them or awkward for my co-workers. Therefore, I’ll eat with no one. Plus, I don’t deserve to eat. Just like I deserved to bleed.

I’m also FURIOUS at myself for crying in front of my boss AGAIN (the last time was when I didn’t get a promotion). I’m furious because I know I showed my dysregulation and I hate showing weakness. She doesn’t need another reason to think poorly of me. She doesn’t know how fucking unstable I am and I don’t want her to know. If I hadn’t cried, I wouldn’t have SId so badly. I was so mad at myself for crying.

 

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20 thoughts on “But Why did I Cry?

  1. So glad you’re still here! I’m so sorry to hear about your day and how horrible it felt.
    Can you take a bit of a vacation?
    Not immediately but soon? Last time you had some time away you went back feeling refreshed and liked.
    Do you have the 14 distorted ways of thinking? I try to use that to see if my anxiety has taken control again. Some of the things you’re saying fall into that category.

    I don’t mean to sound awful but while I feel for your mum I get the impression she has no idea how to support you. Making it difficult for both of you.
    You are responsible for you, for trying to get better, for exploring ways to heal.
    Sending you hugs and once again so happy you didn’t take the pills or have an accident.
    I wish I had SI tips or tricks to share to help pull you back.

    Like

    • Me too. 😦 I’m glad it is behind me!

      That is a good thought. I did feel better coming back after vacation. I have available vacation days, but I feel guilty taking vacation. Also, on evaluations, part of the scoring is attendance and taking vacation counts against that for some odd reason. Ginny said it shouldn’t, but my boss counts it.

      No. Is it a book?

      You don’t sound awful. In fact, I agree. We’ve tried family therapy and talking about how she can help, but it never seems to stick. Her own anxiety about me is too strong not to say anything.

      Like

      • That sucks! What a strange way to track something you earned.

        It’s a list of ways of thinking, I googled it but can only find Pinterest images and my phone won’t link. My therapist gave it to me as homework in one of my first sessions. Any thought that upset me should be compared to the list to see if it fit into one of those styles. If the thought fit the list it was supposed to let me know that the thought wasn’t rational.

        So glad it didn’t sound awful! I can definitely relate, it’s hard on both of you.

        Liked by 1 person

          • Both actually, though the parent side in my case is a sibling. My anxiety, anger, etc tends to trigger his issues.
            My mum has gotten miles better but there was a period where she would unwittingly trigger me. According to her, most of my social anxiety can be attributed to her parenting style. Considering we had behavioural debriefed after each social interaction I’m not surprised.

            Like

              • It sounds super formal but I couldn’t think of another way to say it. Let’s say we went to dinner at someone’s home. Following dinner I would get a, ” you were really well behaved but you did X that made someone feel Y.”

                I think some of it is important, you want to know if your behavior is off putting but her way of doing it was to assume how others were feeling. Leaving me with the ‘knowledge’ that every time I interact with someone they are judging me.

                I’m not a whole lot better as I see ways I pull similar crap on my husband so I really try to just let him be comfortable in his own skin. Since it was that quality that attracted me to him in the first place.

                Liked by 1 person

              • Interesting. It sounds as if she was trying to teach empathy. I can clearly see how it could have a negative impact when she went about it improperly.

                I like that she can own her contribution to your social anxiety.

                Also, it is awesome that you have enough insight to see you’re doing a similar thing to your husband (although, based on your comments here, insight doesn’t surprise me) and that you are trying to stop the cycle.

                Liked by 1 person

              • I love that you used the word empathy!
                You just created a light bulb moment :). I had done a work thing where they gave you your strengths at the end and one of mine was empathy. The person mentioned that using a strength too much could make it a weakness. I always assumed that would be me feeling extra sad because you were sad.
                Now I see, it’s me feeling extra sad because I assume you are upset with me.

                Thanks!

                Liked by 1 person

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