When People Pleasing is Good

It is strange that I responded to Iris (the O.T. therapist) during lunch. I’m trying to introspect and figure out the dynamic. Usually when someone confronts me about restricting, while I’m restricting, I become stubborn and flat out refuse to eat anything.

Yet, this time I ate a little bit. Ginny didn’t even notice that I started trying and ate a bit. All she only saw restricting. She doesn’t understand that eating a few bites is a big deal when you haven’t eaten in almost 2 days and plan to continue fasting for days.

Regardless, I’m curious about why Iris’s prompts worked. I think it worked because I hate the idea of people being mad at me. On the other hand, I’ve fasted in front of both Iris and Ginny before, but neither of them ever confronted me in the moment.

Fewer SIB Urges and I’m Bored

I’m bored. Ginny and my inpatient friend aren’t online.

Bored now

I saw Ron kick a female student, but I’m 90% no one recorded it on his data sheet. Also, my boss said to conversationally try to talk Cory into working during class. Today that turned into Heather and Ashley talking to him for a good 25 minutes when he wasn’t really working (he traced a few letters). Those 2 things bugged me, but DIDN’T make me feel like cutting. However, I’ve been consistently restricting. That keeps me emotionally stable because everything feels less important to me.

I ordered pizza and ate until I was full and when I was full, I STOPPED! That is awesome!

I continue forgetting my noon pill.

My mom comes home on Saturday. It looks like I’ll survive. 😉 I’m still anxious about my BCBA class. I need to explore the website and figure out how the internet class format works, but I’m avoiding it.

 

Edit: Maybe boredom is a good thing? It means I’m capable of boredom instead of ruminating on death in every free moment.

 

Lunch Laughs

I ate.

I was an hour away from 48 hours without food! The O.T. therapist doesn’t pull punches or mince words. I debated whether to buy food or not. I decided I’d buy food and simply not eat it. I’m out of practice with hiding food and we were outside in the wind. My napkin wouldn’t stay put! So, I held my fork, but didn’t eat. Then the O.T. therapist said, “I know she is riveting (my boss was talking), but you can eat. See? I ate everything.” I smiled politely, but ignored her. A few minutes later she pushed my fork (which was still in my hand) into my salad. Then I picked at the salad. I am a failure! I WAS SO CLOSE. On the other hand, I let myself get dehydrated enough that I was getting dizzy and shaky. Consequently, eating was (logically) a good choice.

Despite the food, lunch was fun! Everyone was in a good mood. We joked and laughed a lot. It was much nicer to be in the small group of 4 again. We successfully ditched the others by saying we didn’t want pizza.

The meeting was okay. The anticipation of the meeting helped me not SI during work. However, they forgot to cover certain issues and I wish my boss was more forceful. At least stating the rules plainly was nice. Now no one can say they didn’t know.

Heather repeatedly talked to various co-workers about their plans for tonight, at full volume, in front of me. That hurt a little bit.

I rehearsed suicide again last night. I re-tied and retested the noose. My throat hurt since I woke up this morning. I struggled to sleep. I’m considering letting my dogs sleep in my bed tonight.

Afraid of my Own Mind

I’m one step closer to becoming a supernatural serial killer working for the devil. *Note: I am not delusional. I know that is impossible!

In one of my previous posts, I talked about identifying with Nicci from The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. I wrote the post in 2014 and all of my thoughts still apply. Re-reading it made me realize I am closer to her breaking point than 2 years ago.

“I identify with her so much. It is as if she is inside my mind. This fictional character was on the same path I am on. She felt the only way to redeem herself was through service to others and she felt everyone was better than her and she deserved pain. Somehow she went from wanting to help other people, to wanting to kill other people to save them the suffering.”

I crossed the line of thinking about killing someone to save them from suffering. Crap. I’m still afraid of myself. I’m afraid of who I will become if I stop hurting myself. After all, they call it “sadomasochism”, what if I am capable of sadism too?! What if, my self-injury (in all its forms: SIB, eating disorder, masochism, suicide attempts), is all that stops me from becoming a sadist? What if I AM evil?

I know what it is like to be afraid of your own mind

These thoughts make me think I should kill myself to protect everyone around me. Part of me knows that is irrational because I care too much about how other people feel. I would never harm someone else. Yet, the fear is persistent! I brought it up with my therapist and she replied that I care too much about other people. I got my response from her. Despite keeping that response in mind, my fear of myself remains.

I don’t actual believe most of what I’m typing right now, but a small part of me does and I’m trying to release all the crazy thoughts before I let them loose on Ginny or my inpatient friend.

Restricting makes me strong

I haven’t eaten in over 24 hours. It would be over 48 hours, but I absentmindedly accepted 3 skittles yesterday. It is strange how quickly the eating disordered thoughts creep in. I caught myself thinking, “Only weak people need food. You are stupid, but you’re stronger than they are.”

I’m debating what I’ll do about lunch tomorrow. Ginny asked me not to use behaviors in front of her. At the moment, I don’t want to eat. Consequently, I’m thinking about not going to lunch. On the other hand, I want to talk to people (PROGRESS!).

My suicidal ideation is increasing again. I’m an idiot and I keep forgetting my noon pill!

I’m considering consistently tracking urges again. I used to track them in therapy. Sometimes it helped me see all the urges I did not act on and it helped me problem solve triggering situations. On the other hand, sometimes tracking urges made me think about them more. I’d fixate on them, instead of letting them pass over me. I wish I knew the difference between the days that it helped and the days it made me more upset.

I started tracking urges today. There were more than I realized: 8 SIB urges and 2 suicidal ideations before 3:15 pm. The triggers were all typical. Either someone messed up a behavior plan AGAIN, I felt jealous or inferior, or I made a mistake. I noticed the suicidal thoughts occurred after SIB urges. Meaning they weren’t totally out of the blue. I resisted SIB, but had no adequate alternative to decrease my distress. Therefore, my distress remained high and my thoughts got worse.

I was happy when my boss independently commented on how people are following through with John’s screaming. I get so mad! I KNOW everyone makes mistakes. I make them all the time. I get angry when people continually make the same mistakes because that equals a pattern. They’re ruining the behavior plans’ effectiveness.

don't confuse my bad days with weakness, those are the days I'm fighting the hardest.jpg

I don’t know how I’m going to handle tonight. It probably doesn’t look like I’m trying very hard, but right now I am doing the best I can to survive and that might mean using less dangerous behaviors.