I’m regretting giving up my Unisom. 😦 I still can’t shake the Voice. It relishes the new ammunition it got on Monday. Before Monday I wasn’t nearly this suicidal. It was all transient passive thoughts like, “You deserve to die. You’re a burden. I wish you were dead.” Since Monday, my suicidal ideation consists of imagining lethal plans. Ginny doesn’t understand why I can’t get over it because she thinks it isn’t a big deal. She is the only one I’ve talked to about it. I can’t talk to my boss and I don’t want anyone else to know.
I can always buy more. When I bought it a year ago, I calculated the median lethal dose by kilogram (the amount at which 50% of rats died) and bought double that amount. It was a handy security blanket. No matter what happened, I had an out.
Ginny was busy tonight and my mom is sick. I spent the night looking up happy news to try to help. It didn’t work. Then I came across an article about suicide rates among eating disorder patients. It triggered a rush of suicidal thoughts.