Coffee and Coping Skills

Work was okay. I was with the Down Syndrome boy again. He was lots of fun. During break, we played with bubbles and shot baskets together.

Ginny worked both lunches, which was disappointing. I didn’t feel like eating. Since she wasn’t there and I ate for no reason yesterday, I didn’t eat lunch.  I care about her opinion more than anyone else at work. For some reason, her presence creates social pressure to eat when I don’t want to. Perhaps her opinion matters to me because she understands and knows more than anyone else.

However, I might’ve needed food. The kid I was with in the afternoon, had a difficult day.

We had an all staff meeting after the kids left. Someone keeps stealing pizza. Before the meeting, Ginny asked me to grab coffee after work. Of course, I agreed. We talked about work for a little bit, but I knew she was worried about me. She didn’t realize how suicidal I am until I gave her two bottles of sleeping pills.

It is hard to explain my state. I can’t promise I won’t act because I am too impulsive. I can be fine one minute (relatively speaking) and the next, suicidal. She brought up the ER, but they wouldn’t put me on a 72 hour hold because I don’t currently want to kill myself (for the past 6 hours) and I would not admit myself. For some reason, talking helped, even though our conversation was no different than the conversations we have almost every night on Facebook. While our conversations often contain levity, my overall mood usually only lifts a little bit. Months ago, she could easily get me to rationalize out of my disordered thoughts. It is harder now. Our conversations used to always make me feel better.

Talking in person was different for some reason. I’m not sure why. Regardless, it made me feel better. Perhaps seeing her facial expressions and hearing her tone of voice made it impossible to convince myself that she is lying when she says she cares, she does like me, or no one at work is mad at me. I gave her my address, which I may come to regret. Although I couldn’t promise I was okay, I could promise to call her if I feel as bad as I did Monday night. I hate the idea of bothering her. I message her on Facebook all the time, but that seems less intrusive. It is easy to ignore a Facebook message, but a phone call cuts into your day when it rings. Despite that uneasiness, I will keep that promise. Well, I might not call just because I feel suicidal, but I will call before taking pills or hanging  a noose. I feel extremely guilty for many things, some are legitimately my fault, many are not my fault. However, in this case, the guilt helps. I know if I don’t call and attempt or complete suicide, she will always blame herself on some level. The idea of doing that to her is too aversive to me. Therefore, I’ll call her.

A few weeks ago, she said she noticed I was quiet in meetings. It was really sweet; she said she still wants to hear my ideas and the things I notice because it is nice to know. Haha, she didn’t disagree when I compared myself to a specific, extremely dysregulated and impulsive, student.

Ginny suggested I come up with things to keep  me busy and coping skills. I’ll try. She regrets that I let my parents talk me out of partial hospitalization treatment in June. I do too. It probably would’ve made a difference. However, I’m not sick enough, with my eating disorder, to go to a higher level of care.

Anyway now I have to clean.

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3 thoughts on “Coffee and Coping Skills

  1. I remember reading “An Apple a Day” to try to better understand eating disorders and it helped a bit. I may read it again soon as I would hate to say something stupid to you through ignorance.

    You were weakening but that conversation at work has sent you spiralling.

    While Ginny is a great resource and she helps centre you, I think you may need more than Ginny in your toolbox.

    I’ve no training other than my own demons so no grand advice Just the things I’m sure you’ve heard before:
    Set a schedule to eat, sacred times of you will and eat a set amount at that time.
    Make a list of steps to guide your day I.e soothing touch points
    Make a list of safe places you can go in your mind
    Make a list of activities you can do to replace SI or purging

    I know it is hard to find a therapist/psychiatrist that clicks but I think you need to find someone soon.

    Selfishly I’ve come to love reading your blog and knowing there is someone else in the universe feeling these things. It is a relief to see your words on the screen. It soothes a shattered part of me and I can’t thank you enough for that.

    However, this stranger on the inter web is going to be heartbroken if you stop posting because I’ll never know if you got bored or lost your war.
    So when you feel like you don’t matter, remember this: you are warrior who by the very act of writing is slaying demons.
    Buffy Summers has nothing on you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wish I could *love* this comment and give you a hug.

      You haven’t said anything to offend me. It is incredibly sweet that you’re thinking of reading it again for me though!

      Yeah, the conversation definitely sent me into a tailspin. 😦

      Yes, I agree. I am afraid of putting too much pressure on her, as I know I am doing. The reason I started blogging again was to ramble hear, but I still end up venting too often to her and then she worries (understandably).

      Actually, I haven’t heard all of that before. Creating a safe place in my mind… Does that mean a comforting place from my memory or creating an imaginary place? No one has ever talked about incorporating things throughout my day like soothing touch points (never heard of those either). So, thanks for the ideas!

      Now I want to give you another hug! I’m glad it helps you and makes you feel less alone! That makes me feel less selfish for blogging.

      Your comment gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling. I’m saving this comment too. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Awe!

        I don’t know about putting too much pressure. I just like the idea of having multiple sources of support.

        The safe place can be a memory or an imaginary spot. One of mine is cuddling my pet rabbit. I then turned it into a morning ritual so it helps me start my day calmly.
        Another is imagining myself on a hammock and creating a place in my mind.

        I don’t have a lot of consistent touch point but I start my day with bunny cuddles and end with reading. I’ve got a couple of monthly touch points such as a phone call with my grandmother that help me.

        Liked by 1 person

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