The Boss and the Behavior Analyst

I woke up in an okay mood. In other words, I didn’t feel like crying as soon as I woke up.

Buffy_I don't want to die that is something right

Ginny said some curious things last night. She said she appreciates me. She knows I was  only trying to help when I filled out the data and I care immensely. I already told you, but she also said she still wanted to hear my ideas because my ideas are good.  She said she still wants to know about the discrepancies I notice behavior plan implementation because then she can conspicuously watch and “notice”. Moreover, my boss didn’t want to talk to me because I was the hardest working and most dependable behavior assistant.

The best part was she said, once I start my course, she wants me to help fix the interobserver agreement problems! Interobserver agreement is the degree to which two or more observers report the same data on the same event. Plus, she is aware that I am the only one correctly implementing behavior plans. I asked her how she knew and she said she listens without looking. People tend to do the right thing when they know she is watching, which is frustrating because that means they know what they’re supposed to be doing. Another way she knows is because when she asks about behavior plans, I always have the right answer, even more often than my boss!

This is difficult to believe since the new assistant behavior analyst arrived, but she said she asks my opinions on behavioral interventions vastly more often than she asks anyone else. It got through to me. 🙂 She thinks I have value at work and even though she isn’t directly above me in the hierarchy, she is the head behaviorist and I care most about the behavioral piece of my job. Therefore, her opinion matters the most. Of course, my boss is my boss and her opinion matters too, but Ginny knows the most about behavior interventions.

I signed up for the first course I need to become a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (that is Ginny’s job). I’m afraid of going back to school. I think taking that official step increased my depression. I originally started blogging as a coping mechanism in law school. This blog is new (as of July) because I didn’t remember the password to my old blog. Eventually I figured it out, but I already had followers here. So, I just imported the old content from that blog to this one. Anyway, I relapsed into suicidal depression, even worse than now, in law school. I took a medical leave of absence and never went back. It left a back taste in my mouth. I’m afraid the pressure of school will be too much. Ginny bets I could pass the boards now. Lol, too bad they require the courses and official observation hours, even though I bet I meet the hours already. Unfortunately, they only start counting hours after you begin the first course.

I showed another friend my blog. She said I need inpatient treatment and sent me a link to a treatment program.

My mom will be out tonight. That usually leads to behaviors because I can “get away” with it. I can binge/ purge without worrying she’ll get home while I’m purging. Been there. Done that. I can cut without worrying she’ll walk in before I clean up.


8 thoughts on “The Boss and the Behavior Analyst

  1. This just popped up on WordPress! Grr.
    First, yay Ginny! I’m so glad she told you these things! I’d recommend printing the first part of this post and sticking it somewhere you can see when you feel badly.
    Second Yay for signing up! That’s a big step especially after law school. However, this isn’t law school this is you getting additional training for a job you already excel at even when you feel you’re terrible at it.
    I’m 8 hours late so I hope your fears didn’t win the battle.
    In terms of in patient, what do you think?
    I have no good advice since the in patient in my city is rather terrible as we’re not a mental health centre for excellence. Our hospitals excel at taking care of folks with cancer, heart or kidney disease.

    Have you ever created the wellness care plan? I’ve got a half arsed one while a friend has a super detailed one. Mine is literally doodles of things that help me centre,while hers has phone numbers and timelines.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like that idea. And I’m glad she specifically said those things too! Somehow she didn’t realize how insecure I was. I guess I am a good actress because both she and my mom say I don’t seem depressed.

      Yeah, good point about law school versus these courses.

      Extraordinarily, they didn’t! It is 9:20 pm and I haven’t self-injured, binged or purged, and I ate 3 meals today. 2 of those meals were on my own. I’ve been alone for almost 4 hours and I’ve been safe. I’m pleasantly surprised. 🙂

      For now, I think not. It would completely disrupt my life. Also, inpatient can seem like a safe haven for me and I don’t want to be dependent. On the other hand, those cons are worth it if I can’t keep myself alive without it.

      No. Yet another thing I hadn’t heard of. I’m taking a look at the link.


  2. It’s amazing to me how normal so many people seem until they share how hurt they’re feeling. I feel that mental illness teaches us to wear a beautiful mask.

    So glad you not only won the battle but are. High five and hugs!!

    Stay alive, I really like you that way :). Is there a decent out patient program? I’d hate to see you take a step back career wise if you could work on your health without inpatient treatment.

    I’d love to know what you think. Reading it again made me want to complete my own.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yep and I’ve had years of practice. Sadly, everyone wearing masks makes us feel more alone.

      Haha, thanks! *high fives back*

      I haven’t looked into depression outpatient programs. I know there is an anxiety intensive outpatient group, but it seems to focus more on OCD, as opposed to social anxiety. I should research outpatient options.

      It is a good idea! I actually tried to write my own advanced psychiatric directive not long ago, but I didn’t really know what to put into it. This is handy. It seems overwhelming though. I need to tackle it piece by piece.

      Liked by 1 person

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