Food and Friends

There are too many people going to Wednesday lunches these days. As I said before, it was my fault there were so many people last week because I invited Heather and Ashley. However, as of today, there is a new BCBA. So, the group is now: My boss, Ginny, the new BCaBA, the new BCBA, and the O.T. therapist. Therefore, the entire behaviorist staff, my boss, and a therapist comprise the group. When it was just Ginny, my boss, and the O.T. therapist, the dynamic was different. Other program directors (my boss’ title) go out to lunch with their staff. Her presence didn’t make it awkward. There are a ton of therapists. Some go out with classroom supervisors and behavior assistants (my job). Her presence didn’t make it awkward. Ginny was a behaviorist, but there was always 1 other behaviorist and she didn’t go out with us. Therefore, she was one behaviorist out of 2 or 3. However, with the new BCBA and BCaBA going along, the dynamic changes because now all the behaviorists are going to lunch together and then there is awkward little, low man on the totem pole, me.

Fuck this making friends shit. I want my fucking blade. That escalated quickly. I hate social crap. No one likes me anyway. They might tolerate me, but my presence isn’t missed, so why fucking bother? Restricting and cutting sounds better than figuring this shit out. Glad I found that blade for tomorrow.

Sorry for my tone. I’m upset.

….Aaand now I just logged off FB in the middle of talking to Ginny. I hate me. Idk if that was the right choice. On one hand, I’ve never left a conversation like that. On the other hand, I was getting more irrational. Granted, I’m often irrational. 😉 I don’t even fucking know. Believe it or not, I’m trying to show as little crazy as possible and I’m pissed because I can’t even do that! I don’t want every conversation to be “let’s try to talk MM out of irrational thoughts”. That isn’t okay. But I can’t fucking stop. I just need no friends, then I wouldn’t talk to anyone and this wouldn’t be a problem and I wouldn’t feel left out because I wouldn’t put in any effort.

Buffy_trying to be okayso they don't worry

Emotional dysregulation is fun.


3 thoughts on “Food and Friends

    • True. Recognizing it, is the first step in changing it. I’m still not sure what the right move it tomorrow or whether I should go back on Facebook tonight. *sigh* On one hand, I don’t want to scare her by disappearing suddenly. I told her I was logging off. Yet, it was impulsive and I dislike showing impulsivity. On the other hand, if I log back on and still sound crazy, that doesn’t help. Grrr.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Pingback: Doublethink | Masochist Musings

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