That went better than expected! My day was fine, neither good, nor bad. I wanted to cut before work started, but I had no blade. I started interfering with the cuts from last week, but I stopped before I drew blood. So, I’m not counting it as SI.
There is a new behaviorist (BCBA – Ginny’s job). So far, I have a neutral opinion of her. I’m insecure because of her presence. The more people we get who are highly qualified, the less I feel my opinion matters. Why would anyone listen to me, with my bachelor’s degree in psychology, when they now have 2 BCBAs, 1 BCaBA (assistant behavior analyst), 2 people who are working on BCBA coursework and earning Masters degrees in behavior analysis, and a licensed clinical social worker (Ashley)? They wouldn’t. Therefore, I am useless. Anyone, even a high school senior, could do my job! Literally. There is a high school senior who has the same job as me. I am replaceable. I contribute nothing. In theory, anyone is replaceable, but I am easily replaceable. I contribute nothing unique or valuable. I feel invisible and worthless.
Nothing made me mad today. I must have looked upset though because Heather came up to me and hugged me, saying, “You can do it!”
I was fine during work. I was even okay during lunch and I sat next to the new BCBA. However, as soon as the kids went home and people just stood around chatting for the last 15 minutes, I started wanting to cut. I’m not sure why. I haven’t cut yet. I might. I spent my drive home trying to figure out why I wanted to cut. There is a boil order in my county. I’m going to see why and perhaps drink tap water.
Ginny said she might always work 2 lunches from now on. That means I’ll never have lunch with her during work, except perhaps Wednesdays. However, the lunch group is getting too large for my taste. It used to just be, Ginny, my boss, the O.T. therapist, and I. Last week, it was the 4 of us, the new BCaBA, Heather, and Ashley. Of course, it was fault the group was so large because I invited the last 2. I’m positive the new BCBA will join us tomorrow. I should just start restricting again. There is no need to care about friends or my worth if I can lose weight.
OMFG, someone keep calling my home phone. I’m getting annoyed . I’m sure it is my mom wanting to make sure I know about the boil order.
*sigh* Lol, I honestly felt fine all day! My only symptoms of missing all my medication was tingling sensations and brain zaps. Brain zaps are hard to explain. It is like electricity running over your brain or the feeling you get after your foot falls asleep, except in your brain. It isn’t bothersome, just odd.
I picked up my new medication. I wanted to either buy more sleeping pills or buy diet pills. So, I went through the drive thru pharmacy, instead of going inside. That way I couldn’t buy anything other than my prescriptions. I’m considering quitting it all, cold turkey. I shouldn’t need psychiatric medication. Ginny basically said it was placebo. I’ve been on meds since I was 12. I want to know what I’m like without medication. I’m weak and pathetic.