Successful Day without Meds

That went better than expected! My day was fine, neither good, nor bad. I wanted to cut before work started, but I had no blade. I started interfering with the cuts from last week, but I stopped before I drew blood. So, I’m not counting it as SI.

There is a new behaviorist (BCBA – Ginny’s job). So far, I have a neutral opinion of her. I’m insecure because of her presence. The more people we get who are highly qualified, the less I feel my opinion matters. Why would anyone listen to me, with my bachelor’s degree in psychology, when they now have 2 BCBAs, 1 BCaBA (assistant behavior analyst), 2 people who are working on BCBA coursework and earning Masters degrees in behavior analysis, and a licensed clinical social worker (Ashley)? They wouldn’t. Therefore, I am useless. Anyone, even a high school senior, could do my job! Literally. There is a high school senior who has the same job as me. I am replaceable. I contribute nothing. In theory, anyone is replaceable, but I am easily replaceable. I contribute nothing unique or valuable. I feel invisible and worthless.

Nothing made me mad today. I must have looked upset though because Heather came up to me and hugged me, saying, “You can do it!”

I was fine during work. I was even okay during lunch and I sat next to the new BCBA. However, as soon as the kids went home and people just stood around chatting for the last 15 minutes, I started wanting to cut. I’m not sure why. I haven’t cut yet. I might. I spent my drive home trying to figure out why I wanted to cut. There is a boil order in my county. I’m going to see why and perhaps drink tap water.

Ginny said she might always work 2 lunches from now on. That means I’ll never have lunch with her during work, except perhaps Wednesdays. However, the lunch group is getting too large for my taste. It used to just be, Ginny, my boss, the O.T. therapist, and I. Last week, it was the 4 of us, the new BCaBA, Heather, and Ashley. Of course, it was fault the group was so large because I invited the last 2. I’m positive the new BCBA will join us tomorrow. I should just start restricting again. There is no need to care about friends or my worth if I can lose weight.

ugh people red orange is the new black

OMFG, someone keep calling my home phone. I’m getting annoyed . I’m sure it is my mom wanting to make sure I know about the boil order.

*sigh* Lol, I honestly felt fine all day! My only symptoms of missing all my medication was tingling sensations and brain zaps. Brain zaps are hard to explain. It is like electricity running over your brain or the feeling you get after your foot falls asleep, except in your brain. It isn’t bothersome, just odd.

I picked up my new medication. I wanted to either buy more sleeping pills or buy diet pills. So, I went through the drive thru pharmacy, instead of going inside. That way I couldn’t buy anything other than my prescriptions. I’m considering quitting it all, cold turkey. I shouldn’t need psychiatric medication. Ginny basically said it was placebo. I’ve been on meds since I was 12. I want to know what I’m like without medication. I’m weak and pathetic.

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3 thoughts on “Successful Day without Meds

  1. Your mind is spinning!
    Good job today! Have you heard of imposter syndrome? I heard about it from a tenured professor who had it.
    Education only goes so far, your passion for students and attention to detail is great in your role.

    Lunch groups suck! I hate going out with more than 3. They seem to be a necessary landmine in the working world. I suspect we feel much more awkward than we really are.

    Good job on the drive through! While I empathize with your desire to get off the meds, I suspect you need to do it in a controlled environment. Cold Turkey sucks. It’s needlessly painful.

    You are not weak and pathetic! Your brain works differently. Think how boring our world would be if we all had the same brain!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, spinning in fast circles! *bitter laughter* 😉

      I haven’t, but I’ll Google it. Thank you for the kind words.

      Haha, I hope so! Yeah, my comfort cut off is 4 (including myself). 5 is uncomfortable, more than that is painful

      That is a good point about going off cold turkey. Side effects aren’t enjoyable.

      Thanks, logically I know that, but it is tough to accept! Lol, we’d be like a hive mind of something.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I looked it up. It fits, except that I’m not objectively highly accomplished. All my job requires is a few college credits. However, my diligence is absolutely an attempt to disguise my inadequacy. I also obsess over details and over prepare for many things (though not the interview a few months ago >.< )

      Like

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