Doublethink

How is it possible that I am simultaneously worried I irreparably damaged my friendship with Ginny (again) because I scared her AND I am convinced I should stop talking socially to anyone at work because friendship is too difficult?

man this socializing this is brutal_Angel.gif

I am struggling, arguing with myself over bringing a razor blade to work. I’d leave it in my car so I don’t endanger anyone.

“You don’t deserve friends. You deserve to be in pain.”

“Ok. It maybe true that I don’t deserve friends, but even if it is true, that doesn’t mean I deserve to be hurt. I don’t need to bring a razor blade. What would be the adaptive thing to do? I could jus stop talking to everyone like I said last night and not go to lunch. That is a better way to deal with this than cutting. I’m bringing The Way of Kings. That should keep me busy. I don’t need to cut.”

“You’re a bad friend. I really bad friend. I hate you!”

“But I can fix being a bad friend by not talking to anyone! Then I don’t need to cut.”

“But the razor blade is comforting. You should bring it just in case you do something wrong.”

“Or I could use coping skills like I tell kids to do every day and get over it.”

Fyi, I do think to myself in  3rd person :p *sigh* Idk what I’ll do. So far, it is stuck between the pages of Brandon Sanderson’s epic book.

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3 thoughts on “Doublethink

  1. We’ve got to find you a cutting substitute!

    My current quote in my notebook is measure twice and cut once to remind me to think before I speak. It’s kinda, sorta working. I’ve found myself less anxious because I’m thinking a bit more.
    I find it hard in meetings where I have to speak…

    You’re right you don’t deserve to hurt but you do deserve friends.

    Liked by 1 person

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