How is it possible that I am simultaneously worried I irreparably damaged my friendship with Ginny (again) because I scared her AND I am convinced I should stop talking socially to anyone at work because friendship is too difficult?
I am struggling, arguing with myself over bringing a razor blade to work. I’d leave it in my car so I don’t endanger anyone.
“You don’t deserve friends. You deserve to be in pain.”
“Ok. It maybe true that I don’t deserve friends, but even if it is true, that doesn’t mean I deserve to be hurt. I don’t need to bring a razor blade. What would be the adaptive thing to do? I could jus stop talking to everyone like I said last night and not go to lunch. That is a better way to deal with this than cutting. I’m bringing The Way of Kings. That should keep me busy. I don’t need to cut.”
“You’re a bad friend. I really bad friend. I hate you!”
“But I can fix being a bad friend by not talking to anyone! Then I don’t need to cut.”
“But the razor blade is comforting. You should bring it just in case you do something wrong.”
“Or I could use coping skills like I tell kids to do every day and get over it.”
Fyi, I do think to myself in 3rd person :p *sigh* Idk what I’ll do. So far, it is stuck between the pages of Brandon Sanderson’s epic book.