Running from the past

At the moment, I’m extremely triggered, but it is my fault. Last night someone shared a post of 911 dispatchers’ stories. I knew I shouldn’t read them because there was an explicit trigger warning for people with suicidal ideation or PTSD. I wish I knew why I sometimes read stories I know are triggering like these snippets or new articles about child abuse. It is frustrating.

LeiaFacepalm

Many of the stories involved suicide and many more involved abuse. Last night it was triggering, yet I read more this morning. I don’t know why I continued reading the stories. They were compelling, but that isn’t justification and there was some other motivation behind my choice. Maybe I wanted to be triggered or maybe I wanted to read more about how I’d negatively alter a stranger’s life if I called 911 before suicide. It also made the parents’ pain too real. Often I convince myself I am doing everyone a favor by killing myself. I finally gave up on the stories. I don’t want to kill myself because of them. I want to cut because I feel guilty for thinking of hurting others and the graphic abuse stories made my mind wander to dark shadows from the past.

I think I’ll be okay. My blade is still in my car. I feel strong. My puppies are right next to me.

The work day went well. I was with the newer student who elopes a lot. I was with him during his first week, before my surgery, but not since then. I was miffed they let him be with someone other than Ashley since they’d previously told him she was his staff until he was safe an entire day. Regardless, he did well today. It was a half day for the kids though.

I have mixed feelings about how they handled a running student, but it was a tense situation and I wasn’t there. I just hope they didn’t accidently reinforce his elopement.

Ginny, my boss, and a bunch of others were involved. Therefore, they were back late to leave for lunch. I saw my boss in her office, but I assumed they were debriefing. I grabbed a Diet Coke and decided to read during lunch. I felt okay about that. I thought they’d want to talk about what happened and I don’t know, rest. Apparently, I think my presence is stressful? I heard them talking in the front of the building. When I heard their voices I started wanting to cut. I considered walking up there, especially after I heard Heather’s voice and I knew it wasn’t only administration people talking. I didn’t go to the front on the building because doubts ran through my head. “You’re not wanted. No one wants you. No one cares. They don’t even notice… They probably think you went with someone else. It isn’t personal… You’re still not wanted… I don’t want to bother them… Heather is talking. They’re not in a secret  meeting… It is too late now. It would be awkward to just waltz up there… You. Are. Not. Wanted.” So, I stayed. I wanted to cut and wanted to go out to my car, but I didn’t! I told myself, “No” and read my book. I had to keep making the right choice over and over again. Then Ginny texted me, saying I should join her and the O.T. therapist. At first, I said no. Then I realized she only mentioned the O.T. therapist. I asked if it was just them and she said it was only the 2 of them. That changed my mind. I wish I’d never invited Ashley and Heather to Wednesday lunches!! I don’t like how large the group has become and that is my fault because I invited them. I think I might be used to the new BCBA if Ashley and Heather weren’t with us because I might tolerate the group size and speak more. Nonetheless, I went with Ginny and the O.T. therapist. I had fun. Our afternoon meeting was okay. This time the conversation afterwards did not bore me. It was hilarious.

My mom is out tonight. Hopefully, I’ll feel better soon and work on the coping skills list and if I don’t feel better soon, hopefully I’ll use some coping skills!

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