Acting and Trapped because I Care too Much

Is everyone always acting too?

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I act happy most of the time. Both my mom and Ginny recently said if they didn’t know any better, they wouldn’t know I was depressed. Mark’s lies make me wonder if everyone is also always acting.

My co-workers and I  are dumbfounded, but we all went back to work and pretend nothing happened with Mark. We are all acting.

Recently, I acted as if I like the new BCBA, even though I am jealous and wary of her. In fact, today I asked her opinion.

If everyone is acting, then maybe no one is happy?

 

In other news: I wanted to cut when I saw Ashley mess up the behavior plan of the regressing student. I took specific notes on observations of her and others. I gave my notes to the new BCBA. Maybe I care TOO much.

For example, I thought she could teach empathy and coping skills in the morning, instead of reading joke books. She liked the idea, but said she was too busy teaching 3 classes. When (more like IF) Barb leaves and I take over Science and History, she wants to do that. I offered to research empathy training and impulse control games. Even though last night I didn’t want to do that. I’m not getting paid to do this. My boss doesn’t know. Before not getting the promotion and The Conversation, I would’ve done it without a second thought. However, now I don’t feel like going the extra mile for them because they don’t think I am good enough. My boss and Ginny always say I work hard and my ideas are good. Yet their actions belie that. Therefore, why try to prove them wrong? If they think I am sub-par, I will stop trying to be anything other than average. I will be as small and inept as they make me feel. I know that is wrong of me. 😦 I feel guilty and want to cut again after typing this. Regardless, I feel stuck. I told Ashley I’d give her games and class plans. I don’t want to be someone who offers help and then never follows through.

I think Prozac is helping. My psychiatrist almost hospitalized me again. “Do you think you can not listen to them (the suicidal thoughts)?” *sigh* I told him I’m still having suicidal thoughts multiple times a day, including while driving and that I’ve thought of causing accidents. Still no mention of the noose in my bedroom. The thoughts are still there, but the urges aren’t as strong.

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2 thoughts on “Acting and Trapped because I Care too Much

  1. I think every one hides a bit of themselves . Though the closer I get to people the more I realize we are all battling our own demons.
    It’s such a fine line between doing a good job and setting yourself up to be taken advantage of

    Liked by 1 person

    • That is true.

      I know I do more than my job requires… or I used to. I do less of that now. In this case, I offered to do it. So she isn’t taking advantage of me. My boss asking me to rewrite the Reading curriculum while I filled in for a classroom supervisor on maternity leave for 1 month, might have been taking advantage of me.

      Liked by 1 person

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