That was a spectacular failure. Ginny wouldn’t let me out of my promise. Damn my personal code of ethics. I can lie all day long, to everyone around me about my eating disorder symptoms, but there are certain lines I won’t cross.
I find it harder to lie when presented with a direct question such as, “Did you eat lunch today?”, as opposed to “What did you have for lunch?”
I made a concrete promise and I can’t go back on my promise because that would be wrong. Plus, if I do, she will feel responsible for my death. She will always second guess her decision not to just drive me to the ER that day. If I call her and she can’t talk me out of it, she will also feel guilty. As a result, I am stuck. I wish I’d never told her or given her the pills because now she is involved. I wish I’d never told her about my eating disorder. I don’t even think she likes me. I think she feels sorry for me, yet I feel a bond with her. If I’d never told her about my eating disorder, we’d never talk about serious things. I wouldn’t feel tethered to anyone at work.
How can I feel lonely, left out and friendless, but at the same time, wish I had no friends?
I guess I feel like I have friends, but I have no friends who care about me as much as I care about them. I have no close friends, no one who would drop everything for me in an emergency or miss me everyday if I disappeared. No one initiates social contact with ME. I might be an afterthought in a group, but I am not specifically wanted. I think none of the my friendships are reciprocal and close knit. I wish I either had zero friends or close friends.
What I should do is invite the people I care about to do things with me. I do that sometimes, but not on a regular basis, or I’ll make vague plans (Ex. let’s go to the comedy club this month), but not follow through…But then I feel as though, if anyone liked me, they’d invite ME to do things as well! Of course, people have invited me to do things after work and I always said no. BUT AGAIN, I was an afterthought. At the same time, how can I be anything but an afterthought if I know no one?
I looked into meetup.com again, but the thought of showing up to a meeting with a bunch of strangers, even strangers who enjoy the same things, terrifies me. On the other hand, if I didn’t go meet them, I’d never know them anyway. Therefore, their judgment is immaterial.
*sigh* I actually dressed and showered today!