Afraid of my Own Mind

I’m one step closer to becoming a supernatural serial killer working for the devil. *Note: I am not delusional. I know that is impossible!

In one of my previous posts, I talked about identifying with Nicci from The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. I wrote the post in 2014 and all of my thoughts still apply. Re-reading it made me realize I am closer to her breaking point than 2 years ago.

“I identify with her so much. It is as if she is inside my mind. This fictional character was on the same path I am on. She felt the only way to redeem herself was through service to others and she felt everyone was better than her and she deserved pain. Somehow she went from wanting to help other people, to wanting to kill other people to save them the suffering.”

I crossed the line of thinking about killing someone to save them from suffering. Crap. I’m still afraid of myself. I’m afraid of who I will become if I stop hurting myself. After all, they call it “sadomasochism”, what if I am capable of sadism too?! What if, my self-injury (in all its forms: SIB, eating disorder, masochism, suicide attempts), is all that stops me from becoming a sadist? What if I AM evil?

I know what it is like to be afraid of your own mind

These thoughts make me think I should kill myself to protect everyone around me. Part of me knows that is irrational because I care too much about how other people feel. I would never harm someone else. Yet, the fear is persistent! I brought it up with my therapist and she replied that I care too much about other people. I got my response from her. Despite keeping that response in mind, my fear of myself remains.

I don’t actual believe most of what I’m typing right now, but a small part of me does and I’m trying to release all the crazy thoughts before I let them loose on Ginny or my inpatient friend.

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