The kids were great, but I had lots of cutting urges and some suicidal thoughts. I’m trying my best to NOT message Ginny because it is Halloween (duh) and she is taking her daughter Trick or Treating.
Usually, I hate holidays at work. We try to do “fun” things for the kids and it goes poorly. They can’t handle the stimulation or lack of schedule. Oddly, today it went well! That was nice. None of the kids in my room were aggressive or unsafe. Hell, Cory told John calmly, “I’m not arguing with you about this anymore.” and then John moved on! So, the kids were awesome. They were excited all day and wore their costumes. It is the first work holiday I remember without the Quiet Room. Now I’m scrolling through cute FB pictures on the school’s page. ❤
I was not awesome.
I had a bunch of urges when adults’ choices bothered me or I was jealous. I actually talked to my psychiatrist for once. I resisted a binge urge. That was positive. I feel pretty good right now. I think I was vulnerable because I didn’t sleep well last night after my parents’ fight. On my way to my psychiatrist appointment, I caught myself thinking, “This is all the food’s fault. I’m in a bad mood because I ate all day. I’m suicidal because I’m not using behavior.”
I was in a bad mood until I played with my dogs: The BEST coping skills ever 🙂
I took a day off work even though my post-operative appointment isn’t until 3:30 because if I don’t use my vacation days, they go to an emergency bank. You can only use the emergency bank days for unexpected events like surgery or a child’s serious illness. When you leave work the days in your emergency bank are not paid out. You lose them. Therefore, it makes sense to use my PTO days before they roll over into the emergency bank. I still feel guilty for using my days. I also dislike using PTO days because I never do well with free time. Work is usually a great distraction from my mind. Even though my co-workers often infuriate me, work keeps my mind engaged in the moment. Even when I have SIB or eating disordered urges at work, they tend not to last long because my attention is needed elsewhere. I might need to play Bop It with Cory, teach John fractions, or transport Gage to the bathroom because he had an accident and refuses to walk to the bathroom. Driving home, my mind replays the annoyances of the day.
I’m still procrastinating and starting to freak out because of my anxiety about getting my work done before the test! I have hours of lecture I need to listen to and I haven’t started reading. So far, I’ve managed to stay on top of lectures and homework. Usually, I’d take the test Friday afternoon. However, I can wait until Monday night to take it. I hate my lack of self-control.
Also, I feel fat because I’m almost weight restored again. 😦
How do you make yourself study when you’re stuck in a cycle of procrastination?