A Bulimic Halloween

Fringe_looking nervous eating

I can’t win!

Yesterday I heard: You didn’t eat dinner. COME HERE AND EAT. Did you even eat lunch with Ginny? You know you still have to gain weight, right? Here! You need snack, eat 3 cookies!

Today it is: STOP EATING ALL THE CANDY. How many pieces did you eat already??

Must. Not. Message. Must. Not. Message. Gah, my dog is self-injuring! She keeps licking her elbow raw. 😦

 

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Best Halloween EVER

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The kids were great, but I had lots of cutting urges and some suicidal thoughts. I’m trying my best to NOT message Ginny because it is Halloween (duh) and she is taking her daughter Trick or Treating.

Usually, I hate holidays at work. We try to do “fun” things for the kids and it goes poorly. They can’t handle the stimulation or lack of schedule. Oddly, today it went well! That was nice. None of the kids in my room were aggressive or unsafe. Hell, Cory told John calmly, “I’m not arguing with you about this anymore.” and then John moved on! So, the kids were awesome. They were excited all day and wore their costumes. It is the first work holiday I remember without the Quiet Room. Now I’m scrolling through cute FB pictures on the school’s page. ❤

I was not awesome.

I had a bunch of urges when adults’ choices bothered me or I was jealous. I actually talked to my psychiatrist for once. I resisted a binge urge. That was positive. I feel pretty good right now. I think I was vulnerable because I didn’t sleep well last night after my parents’ fight. On my way to my psychiatrist appointment, I caught myself thinking, “This is all the food’s fault. I’m in a bad mood because I ate all day. I’m suicidal because I’m not using behavior.”

I was in a bad mood until I played with my dogs: The BEST coping skills ever 🙂

 

Happy Halloween!

They’re Fighting Again

I fucking hate my dad. He is making my mom cry. 😦

*bitter laughter* He is currently denying anger issues.

He goes from annoyed to rage, instead of annoyed, to mad, to fury, to rage.

“What do I do that is so bad when I rage? I curse, but I’ve never hit you. Though I slammed doors in your face and I hit MM…” Gee, thanks Dad.

Now I want to cut (not because my dad mentioned hitting me as a child, but because I’m mad at him for hurting my mom’s feelings so often and ruining her life in a lot of ways).

*sigh* I’m still confused about the definition of healthy fighting. (link to a 9 year old message board post – I haven’t learned anything)

Days Off are Off Days

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I took a day off work even though my post-operative appointment isn’t until 3:30 because if I don’t use my vacation days, they go to an emergency bank. You can only use the emergency bank days for unexpected events like surgery or a child’s serious illness. When you leave work the days in your emergency bank are not paid out. You lose them. Therefore, it makes sense to use my PTO days before they roll over into the emergency bank. I still feel guilty for using my days. I also dislike using PTO days because I never do well with free time. Work is usually a great distraction from my mind. Even though my co-workers often infuriate me, work keeps my mind engaged in the moment. Even when I have SIB or eating disordered urges at work, they tend not to last long because my attention is needed elsewhere. I might need to play Bop It with Cory, teach John fractions, or transport Gage to the bathroom because he had an accident and refuses to walk to the bathroom. Driving home, my mind replays the annoyances of the day.

I’m still procrastinating and starting to freak out because of my anxiety about getting my work done before the test! I have hours of lecture I need to listen to and I haven’t started reading. So far, I’ve managed to stay on top of lectures and homework. Usually, I’d take the test Friday afternoon. However, I can wait until Monday night to take it. I hate my lack of self-control.

Also, I feel fat because I’m almost weight restored again. 😦

How do you make yourself study when you’re stuck in a cycle of procrastination?