Random SIB Urge All Night

What the hell?? I’ve had low intensity SIB urges all evening and I don’t know why!

Perhaps the presence of school is stressful, even though the work is easy so far. Or maybe I’m anxious about supervision. I’m not sure why I am upset. Although the intensity is low, the constant nature of the urge is wearing me down.

I’m freaking out about lunch tomorrow. I’m literally crying, thinking about it. I don’t know why I’m freaking out this much!! It has been a few weeks since I went with the entire group and my ED symptoms have flared up since then.

 

Edit: Fuck this “trying” thing. I can either cut (still have the box cutter in my purse) or skip lunch tomorrow. I’m disgusting and I have no self-control. I shouldn’t have eaten earlier. Stupid loser. I am weak. I’m not worth nourishment. I don’t deserve food.

Part of the reason I’m getting angrier right now is Ginny said she’d be busy every night this week. That is so fucked up!! COME ON! She is allowed to have a life! I’m a selfish bitch. I’m like a toddler throwing a tantrum because I didn’t get what I wanted. My tantrums are just silent. IF I don’t say anything about behaviors, she won’t notice because she works both lunches all the time now. IF I don’t say anything, it isn’t exactly attention motivated, but it is still a childish tantrum. I hate myself. Actually, I could go to lunch and then purge. That sounds kind of nice.

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4 thoughts on “Random SIB Urge All Night

  1. Can we name your voice? Give it a face? Because I sort of want to yell at it for saying those things to you.

    It’s so hard feeling that way and hearing those things in your own mind. It weighs on you and crushes you slowly. It also makes those out of no where feelings pop up.

    Sending you lots of love

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, I like that idea. However, I don’t know what to name it or what it looks like. A while ago, I said the ED looks like a perfected, seductive version of myself, but I don’t think that is right. It is something more evil.

      Yes, I agree completely.

      Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

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