You know you have a problem when the thought of eating with acquaintances, after realizing you haven’t lost weight since yesterday, makes you cry.
I decided it isn’t the size of the group that bothers me. I’m upset that I don’t know everyone well.
It is like there is a tripwire in my brain. For the past few weeks, I haven’t really used eating disorder behaviors because I’ve been self-injuring instead. However, once I skip 2 meals in a day, a switch flips in my brain and I start weighing myself. I worry about fat. All these thoughts flood my mind. “You don’t deserve food. You’re weak. If you don’t eat, you’re strong and superior to others. Look at their weakness. You’re pathetic, but at least, you can do this. If you were nicer and prettier and a better person, you’d be worthy of food. But you’re a terrible person. All you do is hurt people. You don’t deserve to eat. You’re a waste of space. I want you to disappear.”