High Anxiety Freak Outs

Rather say I di it than I Gave Up.jpg

Why am I freaking out right now? I just emailed Ginny about supervision. It is our first official communication. Sending the email made me want to cut. Am I afraid she’ll withdraw because of the supervision? Am I afraid I’ll do poorly and suddenly she won’t like me? Am I afraid of supervision in general? Am I afraid I won’t be able to handle the feedback like when she and my boss talked to me?

I think it is a combination of the first and the last thought. However, there may be reasons I haven’t thought about. Regardless, I hope the urge goes away soon… but depending on the cause, I might get this urge every time we meet officially or every time she watches me. I have a bad habit of deferring to her or my boss when they are around, even if I know what to do. I look for non-verbal cues of approval or direction. Ignoring her will be difficult. I did it once before. Gage used to be much better and he was specifically better with me. So, she observed me working with him to determine why there was a difference between how he acted with me and with others. Then she re-wrote his plan based on my interactions with him. I don’t think there was anything wrong with his plan. I think the problem was staff error, either they were lazy and didn’t want to do the hard work of imposing consequences or they didn’t know what they were supposed to do. Sadly, he has regressed enough that he struggles no matter who he works with. My point is I did ignore her once when I knew she was specifically watching me. So, I’ve done it successfully.

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