I am an Imposter!

being anxious is no longer a justification for stopping yourself.jpg

I think my problem with Ginny’s supervision is imposter syndrome (thanks for teaching me the term youmeanme)! I think I’m scared she’ll discover I’m a fraud. I am not good at my job like she believes. I’m afraid her opinion of me as a competent professional will change. Furthermore, she won’t like me as much when she realizes I am not as smart as she thinks I am!

Simply writing that paragraph reignited my urge to cut.

Should I tell her these fears when we meet to go over expectations for supervision? On one hand, I don’t like sounding paranoid (even though I am). On the other hand, she said she doesn’t want to have to read between the lines.

I have a neat anecdote. I went to the orthodontist yesterday to start Invisalign. I haven’t seen them in a while. The tech asked if I was still in school (last time we talked I was in undergrad). I said, “Sort of, I just started a grad school course.” She asked what I studied. I said, “Behavior analysis” and didn’t elaborate because I figured, like most people, she had never heard of a BCBA. However, she said, “Oh! Like ABA [Applied Behavior Analysis]?” She told me her son had autism. He was diagnosed at 1 and a half years old and his prognosis was poor. They thought he’d never learn to talk or attend typical school. However, with lots of therapies, especially ABA, he is not only verbal, but also out of all special education classes! She went on to sing the praises of ABA and seemed happy for me. The conversation was uplifting and gratifying and I’m not even a BCBA yet!

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4 thoughts on “I am an Imposter!

  1. That’s so cool that you met someone who has benefited from your profession and was able to celebrate you!

    So glad the term helped! I struggle with telling people though telling Ginny may make you feel better. I love that the title tells you that this is ridiculous. My understanding is you can only really have it if you’re good at what you do. Which, based on what I see, you are!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I sort of told her… I didn’t use the term, but I told her I was afraid she’d realize I’m not as good at my job as she thinks I am and then her opinion of me would change. She would see what I see when I look at myself. Her reply was that everyone makes mistakes. Therefore, I don’t think she understands the extent of my anxiety or the true motivation. However, I didn’t want to use the actual term because I didn’t want her to think I’m only her friend for social climbing reasons.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think sometimes it’s hard for people who don’t have it to understand as what they see or feel is a mistake e see as proof positive of complete and abject failure.

        Her response though is probably quite sane and reflects how she views you. She doesn’t think you’re faking or not good. She only sees mistakes which means she legitimately views you as being good at your job.

        Liked by 1 person

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