My day was a mixed bag. I talked myself into teaching reading too. Oops! Other staff were very helpful. I’ve noticed some behavioral issues and academic problems. Somehow they stopped Writing in the afternoon. I told them after Recess that we were going to start Writing again. It did not go well. I anticipated behaviors over it and no one did anything wrong. So, I’m not entirely sure why I want to cut or binge/purge and I’m not sure of the identity of my current emotion. I suppose in hindsight I see things I could’ve done differently. Those differences may or may not have altered the outcome of the situation. For example, telling Ginny to come back to the room or reminding the kids that they didn’t have to work. They can say no thanks. We won’t force them to work, but that means they won’t earn their work check. My coworker said some of that, but I didn’t know because I was out of the room when he said it and I didn’t want to step on his toes or inflame the situation. Maybe I’m reproaching myself for those slight errors? It could’ve been worse and it could’ve been better.
I’m frustrated with myself for agreeing to do more work! Damn people pleasing and genuine annoyance at the lack of academic rigor. If my boss wants changes to Reading, she should ask the classroom supervisor in charge of Reading to change things. Although, I’d much rather teach Reading to everyone, than Science, History, and Writing. Granted, my boss said, “That won’t be any extra work, right? All you have to do is get library books and model elements of a story, etc.” I nodded in response. I failed.
Edit: I’m alternating between looking up how to teach paragraph structure to 7th graders, sleeping, researching state standards for 4th grade History, and binging. I haven’t purged or studied so far. I need to do both. I got my lowest grade so far on a test. 90. 😦 *sigh* I don’t think I can teach. I can read out of a book like Ashley does for History, but I don’t think I can let it go at that. Also, I don’t actually know how to teach someone to write an essay. On the bright side, I haven’t cut or whined to Ginny, or anyone else…yet.
Edit 2: Maybe I should go over the expectations (which aren’t actually different, but co-workers rarely followed through) in the morning. You earn break by earning all 3 checks. You’re responsible for earning checks. To earn your Do You Work check…
Edit 3: Since I talked myself into teaching Reading, maybe we could switch Reading and Writing. As of now, Writing is at the end of the day. There is no incentive to work because after class is over, they have one break and then they go home. We could also make Writing follow through to the next day if you have a behavior (other than sitting quietly and safely, but refusing to work). We could also change the contingency. If you complete your writing assignment and earn all your checks, you get a token, if you earn 5 tokens, you can exchange them for a 5 minute break card, which you can use at any point during the next week (if you’ve had a safe body that day, if you’re unsafe you can’t use your extra break card that day). Or If you complete your Writing, respectfully review it with staff and make any needed changes, you can go on break early.
My mom is leaving for 5 days tomorrow morning. I just weighed myself and I’m UP 5 pounds from Wednesday!! I haven’t talked to Ginny since Friday because I’m trying to be less of a pest and let her enjoy the holiday weekend. I’m not done watching the lectures for class tonight. Additionally, my promotion starts tomorrow, but we’re not moving the kids’ rooms around until Wednesday.
I’m concerned about my self-care while my mom is out of town. I’m not suicidal; that is positive. However, I’m worried about eating. I know I shouldn’t have weighed myself. I also know it isn’t all real weight, some of it is food and water weight. I’m still upset about the increase because some of it is real weight gain. I feel Ginny doesn’t want to talk to me and the longer we go without talking, the more distant I fear we become. Logically, I know we’re both extremely busy this weekend and it has only been 2 days. There are plenty of people I don’t talk to for 2 days and that silence doesn’t make me question our friendship. Predictably I’m anxious about the promotion. Also, I realized 2 out of the 3 kids in my room are kids I won’t restrain often, if at all. Therefore, I don’t need to eat lunch at work. I’m a tightly wound ball of anxiety right now.