Negative Attention

know better do better.png

I went to bed early last night, but I was extremely tired this morning. Half way to work, I realized I’ve forgotten my meds 3 days in a row. That explains the sleepiness because Adderall keeps me awake. However, I was disappointed because I knew I’d be tired all day. When I arrived at work, I considered cutting to wake myself up. I’m not sure, but I think cutting wakes me up and helps me focus because the pain and blood activate Fight or Flight syndrome. Regardless, once that thought crossed my mind, I leaped to staining my clothes with blood on purpose. At that point in my thought process, I paused, realized I was attention seeking and felt crappy about myself.

I sent Ginny a weird text, which was apparently incoherent. I told her I was having attention seeking urges and I didn’t know why, but I was texting her instead. I had to turn my phone off.

Since I woke up, I planned to restrict because I felt guilty for eating candy and I weighed myself last night. When I walked into the lunch room with my diet coke, Ginny was there, eating lunch. Crap! Thankfully, I had an old frozen dinner in the freezer. So, I grabbed that and ate it. I hope she didn’t notice I wasn’t eating at first. Probably not, for all anyone knew, I grabbed a drink before heating up lunch. Anyway, that was slightly awkward.

I was with John all day. He was pretty good. Although, the new BCBA had us ignore him trying to run away. We just blocked and continued ignoring. Usually, we’d count that as unsafe. I’m okay with that, I just want everyone to do the same thing so that he has consistency. Later, he attempted to choke someone, twice, and my boss didn’t prompt him to the Quiet Room. That bothered me. The situation was unique, but it makes me think his increase in aggression is due to lack of consequences for attempted aggression. Nonetheless, most of our day was good. We watched a lot of Mario videos on Youtube and discovered Super Mario 2 is weird!

I need to figure out why I want negative attention and not positive attention. Perhaps Cory can enlighten me. 😉

I think part of it is that I want people’s concern (in this case, Ginny and Iris). There must be something else to it though.

Does anyone have a wild guess as to why I want negative attention??


Edited to Add: I think I do it because negative attention seeking is more efficient (easier and faster) and predictable. In that case, WHAT can I do instead?!?


5 thoughts on “Negative Attention

  1. Just saw your edit! Spot on I think.
    Are there things that give you a minor high. For me it used to be those windows computer games. Right now I’m doing NANOWRIMO and hitting my goal and staying in the imaginary world is giving it to me.

    Liked by 1 person

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