At least Monday is almost OVER

Today started off bad and got worse.

our feelings are real and important.png

First, my mom asked to weigh me and I’ve lost weight since she last weighed me. She didn’t yell; she just said, “Don’t die on me.” Consequently, I felt guilty. I blasted music and air conditioning on my way to work. By the time I arrived, I felt better.

When I got to work one of the HR women was upset about her sister’s hospitalization from being beaten. That made me want to cut. I’m not sure why.

It took about 10 minutes for that urge to go away. However, once the kids arrived, my mood darkened. I was not with John, but I watched him all day. Apparently, they’re only blocking attempted aggression and neither taking him to the Quiet Room, nor taking away his all access break or end of the day treat. For every other kid, 1 attempt towards another student = QR, 1 attempt toward staff = prompt to use a coping skill or ask for help, and a 2nd attempt towards staff in the same episode = QR. Therefore, Ashley blocked him from attempted aggression ALL DAY without consequence, until he FINALLY succeeded in hitting someone. I understand that his aggression is often escape motivated because he wants to get out of class. However, I still feel there should be a consequence!!!! AT LEAST take one of his break checks away!! Also, how many times are you going to block him from the same student?? It was ridiculous!!!!

Ginny will argue his increase in attempted aggression is an extinction burst, but I think he realizes he can get away with it! I’m frustrated with Ginny, the new BCBA, and my boss.

Then during Music, Gage sat on a staff’s lap, which is not okay. First of all, he should ask. Second, he is 12. Lastly, it is unacceptable for a kid with inappropriate touch issues to be that affectionate with staff. Oh, AND he had aggression and no one reacted. Although, his plan is different. They might have been active ignoring, but somehow I doubt it wound up on his data sheet.

We switched students after lunch. I was with Cory. I knew he’d been to the Quiet Room in the morning, but I didn’t know if he walked on his own. He did not. However, it took me 5 minutes to locate someone who was there in the morning. Additionally, the person I finally located didn’t know whether he lost his treat or not! I had to go find the new BCBA. He did lose it. You know why?!??!! He threw pencils across the hallway (property destruction) and then refused to walk to the QR. So, staff had to help him. That doesn’t bother me; that is the plan. What DOES bother me is that John attempted at least 10 times to hit or kick someone else and there was no consequence. He did lose his end of the day treat, but only because Ashley failed to block one attempt, whereas Cory lost his because of some pencils?!?? I understand that different kids need different behavior modification plans, but John’s new plan infuriates me. I hope the new BCBA’s idea is right and this is an extinction burst because he is no longer escaping class with aggression, but I doubt it. I’m actually okay with the plan, in theory. We used to do it with Cory (but only for attempts towards staff. 2 attempts towards students still resulted in the QR). In my opinion, you have to draw the line somewhere! It was the complete lack of consequence that bothered me. Cory at least still lost a check at the end of the work period, even if we never had to prompt him to the QR.

Finally, I went to my psychiatrist appointment. It was okay, but I worried him because of my weight and now I feel guilty. AGAIN.

I also feel guilty about my plan to fast while house sitting because I know Ginny will worry and I know my family and psychiatrist will be angry when they realize what happened.

I had cutting urges basically all day and urges to binge and purge. I acted on none of them, but I let my annoyance show in front of my boss (twice) and the new BCBA. Worse still, I complained to someone else about the new plan!!!! That is unprofessional and unacceptable! I failed. I feel additional guilt about that.

It seems I NEED behaviors to keep my emotions in check. I still haven’t acted on my urges, even though I am still upset and I still want to hurt myself. But these feelings suck.

Moreover, I’m alone tonight. My mom is out. Plus, Ginny is busy with out of town family. My inpatient friend is still inpatient and really, really struggling.

 

Edited to add: I did one thing right today. Maybe. It doesn’t feel right. I planned to restrict today. I knew Ginny wouldn’t be at lunch. There goes my motivation. However, then I saw her on my way to grab diet coke and I felt guilty again, thinking of my mom this morning. So, I ate lunch and did not purge. Even though I wanted to not eat and purge when I did eat.

All your successes feel like failures, but that is a lie, keep fighting.jpg

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