I feel discouraged, ashamed, pathetic, and stupid. I read an article about how the brains of those with Anorexia and Bulimia can override the urge to eat.
My first reaction was pride. “I have a super power! My brain is better and stronger than your brain!” That is messed up.
Edit 1: Now I’m anxious about the employee potluck on Wednesday. Eating in front of acquaintances is harder than eating in front of friends, family, or strangers. What if I can’t eat normally because I’m surrounded by people I see everyday, but barely know? What if people notice (in a bad, she is a freak, way)? What if Ginny is mad at me because she thinks I’m not trying? What if I cry? What if people judge me because I’m fat and don’t deserve food? What if they judge me because I’m gluttonous and greedy?
Edit 2: I’m crying thinking about it. FFS, what is wrong with me?!
Edit 3: Maybe if I fast from now until then I’ll deserve food and no one will think I’m weak and worthless. Yes, I’m back to thinking about fasting. UGH! On the other hand, fasting and work do not mix. It is unsafe for the kids, my co-workers, and myself.
Edit 4: I hate this and I hate myself. I want to head bang until the eating disorder thoughts are out of my brain. I won’t. I like my intelligence too much to give myself brain damage and that is the only way the eating disorder voice is ever leaving me. OMG, WTF. I was FINE this morning! I was joking with Ginny about the cats I’m house sitting. What happened? I don’t know. I weighed myself and I gained a pound. These people’s bathroom has a huge mirror. Also, there is a mirror IN their shower.
So far, I haven’t vented to Ginny, which is why I keep editing this and adding increasingly frantic thoughts. My thoughts are getting worse, but I’m trying not to mention it to her because I know it hurts her because she worries about me. Plus, she knows there is an attention seeking component and so it also makes her angry. I can’t vent to Jessica either because she is too fragile. Madison won’t understand. My parents won’t help. Their fear will just stress me out more. That only leaves here and the pro-Ana forum I used to frequent. I want to crawl out of my skin.
However, I was weak and I asked Ginny a bunch of inane questions about the potluck. While they weren’t overtly disordered (Ex. How many calories do you think are in the salad my boss is bringing?), they were clearly eating disorder anxiety driven.
Edit 5: I feel overwhelming emotions, but I’m not sure how to name the feelings…I’m not mad. I’m not happy. I guess I’m sad and scared. More specifically, anxious, hopeless, inept (Is inept even a feeling?), disappointed, guilty, small, weak, inadequate, lonely, pathetic, unworthy, unhappy, overwhelmed, panicked, precarious, uncertain, threatened, scared, unsettled, worried, ashamed, embarrassed, tense, and tentative. *sigh* None of those quite encompass the roiling, suffocating, tempest seizing my chest right now. All over a POTLUCK at work.
Edit 6: BROKEN, I feel broken.
Edit 7: 9 hours later and I’m still panicking about it. I did the “right” thing and ate dinner. Now I feel sick. I want to purge, but the whole reason I ate dinner in the first place was I felt cold, weak, dizzy, and shaky from low blood sugar. Purging defeats the purpose of eating. *sigh* 😦 FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT, WORTHLESS, WEAK, BAD, HORRIBLE, WEAK, so WEAK, gluttonous, greedy, weak, pathetic, loser. I hate that I “need” food. I DON’T deserve food. I have no excuse for “needing”. I’m bad. Food is evil. I hate food and I hate me and I don’t even have the body to show for it. BECAUSE I’M SO WEAK and pathetic and bad.
Edit 8: It has been almost an hour since I ate, but I can’t stand it anymore. The discomfort isn’t going away. I can’t do this. I can’t! I feel awful and sitting here trying to distract myself isn’t working. I can’t concentrate on school work. I’m either going to sleep or purging, Idk which one yet. FML. Crying again.
Edit 9: It is now 11 hours since I originally posted this. I did not go to bed. I purged. I know I didn’t even get it all up. Therefore, it won’t prevent weight gain. However, purging was still negatively reinforcing (it got rid of the bad feeling of being overly full). I feel like a failure. I can’t win! I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Good thing I am now too numb to cry. I tried running yesterday. I sort of helped SIB urges, but it wasn’t as good as cutting, binging, or purging.