Alexithymia (except guilt)

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My grandma is on oxygen now. She made my grandpa stay in the room last night b/c she thought she was going to die and didn’t call us! My parents seem to think she’ll pull through, but it seems this is how the elderly die. One seemingly minor thing goes wrong and then the rest of the body follows. Maybe they’re lying to me because they don’t trust my ability to cope.

My first emotional reaction was: I want to cut. I have to keep reminding myself that “want to cut” is not an emotion. As I’ve mentioned, I struggle to identify my emotions. That doesn’t apply to guilt. I can always name that one. So, I thought about it and I feel scared, sad, and (of course) guilty. I feel guilty because before my paternal grandma died she was in the ICU for months. One day she was alert, after having not been alert for at least a week. My dad had to catch a flight out of the country and I left with him, even though an uncle offered to drive me home so I could stay. It was the last time she was fully alert and the ones who stayed played cards and held full, coherent conversations, but I left early because I thought it was a sign she was getting better.

I also feel guilty because my mom gave me to same “I can’t deal with you right now. My mom is in the hospital and that is where you’re headed. You look gaunt again. I can’t deal with you in the hospital too. I have enough to worry about.”

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2 thoughts on “Alexithymia (except guilt)

  1. You could not have known about your paternal grandmother because though you have many gifts foreseeing is not one of them. I know this doesn’t negate the guilt but that line of thinking has helped me.

    Though so very difficult, please remember that your mum has her own feats and though she projects them on to you sometimes they don’t belong to you. She feels helpless.

    I’m glad you were able to identify emotions. Hopefully this will lead to working with them.

    Sending y virtual good wishes

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like that thought. I couldn’t have known the future.

      Hmm, that is an interesting concept. Even though she projects her fears (about me) onto me, her fears don’t belong to me. I’ve never thought of it like that. I’m not sure whether I can accept that because she wouldn’t have those fears if it weren’t for my actions. Therefore, her fear is my fault.

      Thanks, that would be great progress!

      *hugs back*

      Liked by 1 person

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