Guilt and the GRE

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Procrastination Nation. I haven’t even started this weeks’ reading and lecture videos. I think I procrastinate because of imposter syndrome, youmeanme told me about it. I’m afraid I’ll prove I’m actually an unintelligent fraud. Therefore, I’m afraid to try. If I’m too sick to continue school because of my eating disorder relapse, no one can say I wasn’t smart enough for graduate school.

Yesterday was CRAZY. The 3 kids in Ashley’s room were on edge all day. John had a 35 minute screaming episode and plenty of instances of attempted aggression. However, he calmed down before lunch. I’m frustrated because neither my boss, nor Ashley active ignored his screaming like we’re supposed to! Plus, I was his staff and they kept taking over! So, not only where they taking over when they didn’t need to, but also when they took over they did the wrong thing!

I was with David in the afternoon. He was cranky all day, but safe until Music. I HATE MUSIC. We were in the gym and a student from another program walked through the circle of kids. He hit Cory and John and then kicked David. David tried to run after him to attack him back. We ended up in a restraint for 12 minutes. I felt guilty because I failed to block the other kid’s kick. I knew he was likely to try to hurt the next kid he passed, since he’d just hit Cory and John. I’m trying to remind myself that there were 7 other adults involved. No one, not even that student’s staff, successfully blocked his aggression. I tried and the other person working with David tried, but she failed too. I’m not sure why the other student’s 2 staff didn’t restrain him as soon as he hit John, but they let him keep walking through the circle. I wanted to cut afterwards. I also feel mad at myself because Ashley needed to step in on the transport when I couldn’t control David’s legs safely.

Later the kid who ran away a few weeks ago almost went into crisis and stormed out of the gym when he was told to give David a baseball bat at the end of his break. David in turn, ran into another room, and a 3rd student had a melt down because someone else had his bat!

I slept for an hour after work!


In other news: The GRE approved my disability accommodations! Now I can start studying and pick a date.


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