Self-Loathing Masochist

Ever since hearing about my brother’s marital issues, I’ve fixated on my masochism. With the popularity of “50 Shades of Grey” and the semi-mainstreaming of BDSM, I’m probably one of a small number of people who meet the diagnostic criteria for Sexual Masochism Disorder.


SMD DSM V criteria.PNG

The purpose of my original blog, Masochist Musing, was to come to terms with my sexuality. I failed in that endeavor.That isn’t completely true, I accepted my bisexual tendencies, but not the masochism. I imported all the posts here; everything from 2013 and 2014 is from that original blog.

Right now, I want to cut to punish myself for being a freak. 

On the bright side, I’ve stayed awake all day

. dean supernatural facepalm1

Perhaps this shame resurgence isn’t just from thinking about my brother. My mom started bugging me about online dating as soon as work ended for the year. It would make sense that thinking about dating triggers both fantasies and fears of intimacy. 

Then again, it could just be my brain cycling. If I’m not cutting or actively eating disordered, I’m focusing on BDSM… Specifically, my self-hate related to it. *sigh*


2 thoughts on “Self-Loathing Masochist

  1. You’re not a freak, my understanding is that masochism is a ‘problem’ as per point B. Point A is a sexual preference. My feeling is if being humiliated, bound, beaten, etc. turns you on and is done in a safe and consensual way then go for it. My problem with 50 Shades of Grey is it’s pure escapism in the sense that Christian isn’t truly a safe Dom and doesn’t provide the proper after care. A sub should never question whether or not s/he is cared for after a scene. If people read it as escapism I’m good, it’s when people think that it’s reflective of a BDSM relationship and opens the door for an abusive relationship that I get my back up.
    [steps off soapbox]

    I know there’s an online community but I have no resources to share with you about online dating in the BDSM community.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I haven’t read, nor do I plan on reading, that series, specifically for that reason!

      Thanks for the thoughts. I know of online communities as well. I have trouble finding someone compatible, either they’re not physically sadistic enough, or they’re into too much mental/verbal humiliation (which I don’t I could handle), or they present as sociopaths.


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