Big Changes Need Big Reminders

This is the first time I’ve been on since leaving for a 2 day drive to my new state. I scheduled uplifting posts before I left, hoping if I tell myself positive platitudes enough, I’ll believe them.

Thanks for reinforcing my lack of sharing guys! ;p

My parents left yesterday. Things are going well so far.  I love the apartment complex and my apartment, which is about as big as one room in my childhood home! I’m debating sharing the view out my window, even though it shows the climate I live it and could be used to identify my whereabouts. Then again, so could my IP address if anyone cared enough to stalk me! I’ll consider it further; the view is wonderful. I’m also in love with my decor. It prominently displaying my favorite color: Blue. It is a light blue that I find calming.

While my parents were still here, I went to see a new provider to get medication. She gave my all the prescriptions I need and didn’t try to mess with my meds. She was nice, but the meeting upset me because I could tell she is afraid of me. Not afraid I’ll hurt her, but afraid I’ll hurt myself and she’ll be liable. Her tone of voice and demeanor changed when I mentioned my 2 suicide attempts, even though they were 15 and 11 years ago respectively. She also asked what I thought I needed to be successful since I’d “pretty much been through mental health treatment, in all its forms over the years.”

She made me feel sick and not in the “affirming my difficulties” way, but in the “I find it foolhardy that you think you are capable of navigating this gigantic change” way.  I doubt myself enough already. All my loved ones, from family to close friends like Ginny and Jessica, seem confident in me. Their faith buoyed me more than I realized because the practitioners’ reaction knocked the wind out of my sails.

However, she doesn’t know me and only has my self-report to rely on. I’m not a reliable narrator. The psychiatrist I’ve known since I was 14 thinks I am strong enough to do this and he saw me through suicide attempts and inpatient treatment for ED. He did NOT think I was well enough to go out of state for undergraduate and I managed that, with a few hiccups, but without a higher level of care. As a result, his confidence should mean more to me than someone I met for 45 minutes and only has the boiled down statistics of my psych history to judge me off of. Likewise, the opinions of family and friends I’ve known for years, should also count for more than her assessment. Logically, I know these things to be true, but emotionally, I’m still dealing with the impact days later because someone confirming my fear is more salient than the voices telling me I am more resilient than I realize.

On that note, I need to add a reminder for myself. In addition to the scheduled post today, I give you:

dont let others define you - Copy