Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade: Fighters

“If someone were to die at the age of 61 after a lifelong battle with MS or Sickle Cell, we’d all say they were a “fighter” or an “inspiration.” But when someone dies after a lifelong battle with severe mental illness and drug addiction, we say it was a “tragedy” and tell everyone “don’t be like him, please seek help.”

Sorry, but that’s bullshit. Anthony Bourdain sought help his entire life. He struggled for decades. He saw a therapist. He quit heroin and cocaine. He went to rehab. He did this for decades. That’s HOW he made it to 61. For some people, 61 is a miracle. I know so many people who didn’t make it past 31 and I’d do anything to have 30 more years with them.

It was almost me. Before I started doing comedy, I was depressed, anxious, confused, and without a purpose in life. Now I am…still all of those things…but I do have a purpose. The past 5 years have been a gift from God, and have not been possible without constant struggle. Every day is a decision to not give up.

So thank you, Anthony Bourdain. Thank you for making it to 61. Thank you for sharing decades of your life with us. You truly were a blessing.

And for all of those who are staring into the abyss and want to give up, don’t. Struggle. Get a purpose in life. Reach out to friends and family. Go to therapy. Stay alive and give all those extra years to the world. We need you.” – Jeremy McLellan

Escape and Evade

I got more corrective feedback than usual today.

I was already struggling since returning from a trip home over the holiday weekend.

I miss my friends and family. I miss my dogs. I miss my co-workers and kids. I miss feeling like I knew what I was doing. I miss knowing my boss thought I was good at my job, even when I didn’t.

I want more training. I didn’t receive the training I was supposed to because they’re short staffed. People expect me to know stuff that I don’t know because of my years of experience, but working with preschool kids is very different. I know the remedy is to ask for more training, but I feel like a burden to them and they’ll think even worse of me.

I’m flailing today. I ate 360 calories and burned myself on purpose. I want to run away. I’m having suicidal thoughts, even though I don’t want to die, exactly. I just want to escape these feelings.

I want to go home.