I’m a 23 year old masochistic (sort of), submissive. I need an anonymous place to talk through my sexuality. I don’t feel comfortable using established kinky sites for this because most people there are just looking for a date. I need a place to ramble.
I also spend a lot of time talking about law school, academic stress, eating disorders, anxiety, and depression. First of all, my life is consumed by law school. Second, I’m afraid my proclivities are not true sexual desire, but just another tool of self-destruction. To fully explore that potential connection, I have to talk about my mental health.
My Header picture is Denna the Mord-Sith in the TV show Legend of the Seeker. On the TV show her character only appears in 4 episodes. The show reduces her to little more than fetish fodder, but Denna from the books (The Sword of Truth) is a complex, intriguing, and (in the end) admirable character. Plus, I think the picture is pretty.
My tumblr is here. I just re-blog GIFs or other geeky pictures I enjoy and comment on them. I just created a Facebook account.
Masochist Musings 
Hi – good luck with it. I am on a similar journey…I will follow with interest….
LikeLike
Thank you! Good luck to you as well! For me, this is really tough to sort through. I hope we both find inner peace.
LikeLike
Yea, a road to peace of sorts. I do not know what the inner demon is that drives us. I sometimes wonder also why we get more and more extreme as we chase these desires. For my part, I am trying to be more and more considerate with those who help me (ie less manipulative) and also, kinder in my part…..and part of that is helped by the realisation that it, my masochism that is, probably saved me from a worse fate…good luck, my friend and fellow traveller!
LikeLike
I have a suspicion that my self-hate drives me. That idea scares me. I hope there is something more to it than my self-hate. Other than self-hate, I have a few ideas, but I don’t know if they are valid. I think we become more extreme because we acclimate to sensations. Once we get used to a certain type or amount of pain or humiliation, it no longer has the same effect. It doesn’t phase us anymore. As a result, we have to seek more and more extreme behaviors to get the same feeling. What do you mean it saved you from a worse fate?
LikeLike
Make no mistake – it is self-hate. Definitely. It started for me when I used to punch, slap and otherwise hit myself with things till I bruised or bled….and then moved to others doing that to me….Self-hate has two things about it though to look for when you explore it – 1. It is really dangerous, and if you were not a masochist, you would be depressive and suicidal and probably dead. Masochism lets you live that depression and give it a form. It becomes a problem of its own…and an obsession as you rightly say. It morphs and changes as you change. Most importantly, at early stages of your life before you can reason any of the bad things that are happening to you, it lets you take control by creating the scenes of humiliation and of pain. That means masochists are often manipulative, and if you are to be a good friend, it is important to recognise the manipulative part of yourself….masochism is there to protect your ego by apparently destroying it in advance….but keeping it in a safe place shielded by the fantasies. It also lets, indeed, makes people touch you, and for my part, I love being punched and spat on more even than being whipped, which I also like….these are ways people touch me. I put myself below them, and look up in that beautiful theatre of masochism….so many different versions of it, as many as there are of us (a really different version is the original by von Masoch, the guy whose name we take – Venus in Furs – love that book even though furs do nothing to me). Ok, now the second thing….there are two drivers behind it….you need, when you are ready (and you really have to be ready) to start to look at the drivers that made and more importantly, still make, you this way. One is always the same – our ego, which everyone has, and needs to protect. spot the real life things that make it come out (usually with very trusted friends or in relationships, if you are able to have them – when you are challenged, look for when your own tongue becomes sharp….a sure sign of the ego feeling safe enough to come out)….once you have found that, then you need to find why it needed to be shielded….nearly always early family life (a cold mother perhaps, or as in my case a father whose emotional and unprocessed yet not deliberate cruelty damaged me to start with, then a school setting where I was bullied and humiliated) or some early significant setting. That is always a bit different. If you are a masochist who has penetration fantasies, you may be bisexual….I certainly am. I love being fucked….but that is not always acceptable to others in your circle either. Strap-ons can help there perhaps….it is a hard road, but there is beauty in it….(I have just written a poem about spit…and friends I least expect to say so, are saying it is beautiful.,…). There is beauty alright….masochism is my reason for calling my blog writingthebody – the whip marks stay, change, mark me, write things on me…the bruises are flowers, the spit is crystal…..and my body takes these things and is the more lovely for it.,,…then, when I am marked, have I learned slowly to stand before a mirror and to hold myself, to feel the bruises and welts, to say, I love you, John…..if you see what I mean….
LikeLike
I see what you’re saying about danger. I have depression and I’ve also been suicidal. Over the years, I’ve noticed that my depression, eating disorder, self-injury, anxiety symptoms, and BDSM play musical chairs. When one is bad, the others fade away. trade-off implies BDSM serves the same function as self-injury and eating disorder symptoms. All three alleviate depression and anxiety. If that is the driving force, I’m struggling with whether BDSM can be healthy for me or is it still disordered like a mental illness? Furthermore, if I decide it can be healthy, but it remains the driving force, is that fair to my partner? I suppose, short of a miracle or major shift in self-concept, the self-hate won’t go away and whether or not I engage in BDSM activity, any partner of mine would be stuck with someone who hates themselves to some degree. It just seems unfair for me to get into a relationship with all my emotional baggage. I always end them. At the same time, if the rule is that I cannot be in a relationship unless I love myself, I’ll probably never get married. But then again, what if it was possible to get rid of the self-hate? If it was possible, I wonder if the masochism would go away. The irony is in my last BDSM relationship, I felt the most confident and secure I’ve felt in years. Yet, my therapist said I had to break it off if I wanted to talk about certain difficult issues because she was afraid I would act out through masochism. So, perhaps you are right, it allows the self-hate to take a form of its own. It separates it from me; as a result, I can function the best (compared to SI, ED, etc.). Maybe it is okay to be driven by self-hate, since of all my coping mechanisms, this one is the least destructive to everyday life. I agree we truly have the control in scenes and that is vital. I don’t know if I’m more manipulative than the average person. I do have to watch myself though. However, I thought that was normal because everyone has impulses to manipulate others.
Do you think if you address all the drivers, it can go away? Or will the ego always rule, no matter what emotional work you do? Do you think Sadists have similar emotional baggage? Do you think all masochists have similar issues or just some of us? How do you know when your ready to explore it? I want to, obviously…but I’m afraid of hurting someone in a relationship. I don’t mean I’m afraid I’ll discover I’m sadistic, I mean it feels selfish or dishonest to go into a relationship with no plans of it going anywhere. I’ve done BDSM scenes IRL and loved them. So, I know no matter what, there is something inside me that enjoys pain. A lot of people would hate these things, no matter how trusted the partner. Although, your idea of paying attention to non-kinky manifestations of this concept, is a good one and it would work around my current fear of relationships.
Yes, I know what you mean. That is wonderful. 🙂
Did you study psychology? It sounds like you have a psychodynamic background.
LikeLike
Dear friend, let me start at the end – no I am not a psychologist, not at all. That will not help you…I work with them. They are nearly all mad.
So, you have done BDSM in real life….well, ah, yea of course you have. But on which terms? Do tell, please, as I cannot evaluate what you have done there….what I need to know is if those people mattered.
The person who told you to break off a relationship because it was letting you “act out through masochism” has, I fear, thrown out the baby with the bathwater….how can you not act out through masochism, for Christ’s sake…you, like me, are a masochist! It is front and centre of your sexual imaginary….I am so sorry that happened…if you can restart that one, do so at once….
My own life is like a shattered city – I had for many years closed down my masochistic acting out as you call it…but I let it back lately, and it has taken over with a vengeance. I feel life is running at over full throttle….even though I cannot follow through on many of the possibilities it is throwing forth.
You are like most of us masochists, in this: you have thought heaps about it. You need to let it rip. Go for it. Protect your face from the camera (no need to not be able to get a job later on) – but explore it. I have found women here on line in wordpress who would beat me, who would dominate me. And it is not a site designed for that. Perhaps, I think, that is the point. Explore yourself, my friend, put your contradictions up for others to critique, comment on.
There are a lot of female submissives here….try to find out if you have things in common…I have found that part challenging, since I always imagine a woman with a whip in her hand….but I have learned from them about submission.. a cousin to masochism,. God I am raving on….what can I say in the end but this – if you find a partner who is willing to take the journey with you, as a genuine FLR, then, for goodness sake take the trip, and to hell with the therapist!
kisses to you my friend!
LikeLike
Ok, I was just curious since you sounded familiar with psychodynamic beliefs.
What do you mean on which terms? The people mattered in that my experiences have been within the context of relationships and I cared about them. Is that what you meant by “if those people mattered”?
Yes, it has always been with me, for longer than I can remember, for even longer than I can remember hating myself. I believe she feared I would intentionally not use a safe word; if something went wrong and I knew it, I would not tell him as a means of hurting myself. Unfortunately (for me), I can’t restart that relationship, he is married.
What do you mean you can’t follow through, like your fantasies are too dark to do safely?
That is a good point. It is basically why I chose wordpress, as opposed to putting this on in journals on Collarme or Fetlife.
FLR? Alas, no potential partners at the moment.
So, you are a masochist, but not a submissive?
LikeLike
Again, I start at the end….I am obviously masochistic, less obviously submissive. I think there is a third term – humiliation – in there too. Submission is the one implied by the other two….
As for safety, you have to do it for the other person’s sake. You really do. I sometimes think that the person should know by now…like a prodomme I saw recently, but I should have stopped her – it was not safe. I didn’t, so I am not preaching. But I have been a lot more responsible lately. How would you feel if a friend or even someone you paid actually injured or even killed you? At one level, the first masochistic response is all about ourselves, but we need to do better than that….
And you answered the question “on which terms….” in your account.
Journey safely with others…but take the time to explore the darker waters in the silence of your room, and in your mind and heart…
all best wishes
John
LikeLike
Safety-Yes, I would feel awful. Once someone told me I would displease them if I failed to warn them when I knew something was going wrong because somehow he knew I would not do it for myself. Do you think only caring about our safety in relation to the consequences to another person makes us broken or less whole? Most people inherently care about their personal survival and safety. Even though I feel suicidal at times, I do not have a death wish. Yet, it is as if the part of our brain that cares about self-preservation is weak and we need a substitute, someone who cares enough about us as human beings to embody that normal drive for us, while at the same time sating the darkness with pain. Does that make sense? If so, do you think it is unfair to a partner? It seems like an unfair burden to place on someone. I suppose they don’t have to know…
Yes, I’m trying to explore the darker waters here. 🙂
LikeLike
Very interesting ideas….I had been so very selfish that the risk to others who may find trouble or pain because they hurt me did not occur to me. Now though there is the issue of whether we are shifting another kind of load….in the long run, that may indeed be true, I fear. I know what you mean about a weak self-preservation instinct. On that score though, I think we have the same rights as anyone else – we are not obliged to live on past a certain point. I think we are obliged to make sure that our gratification does not cause someone else to suffer for it…..but it is murky indeed! And I still do not know if I have captured the subtlety of your inquiry really….:)
LikeLike
writingthebody – I’m making a new comment because it is getting too difficult to read the replies.
LikeLike
Good!
LikeLike
New comment in reply to @writingthebody : “Very interesting ideas….I had been so very selfish that the risk to others who may find trouble or pain because they hurt me did not occur to me. Now though there is the issue of whether we are shifting another kind of load….in the long run, that may indeed be true, I fear. I know what you mean about a weak self-preservation instinct. On that score though, I think we have the same rights as anyone else – we are not obliged to live on past a certain point. I think we are obliged to make sure that our gratification does not cause someone else to suffer for it…..but it is murky indeed! And I still do not know if I have captured the subtlety of your inquiry really….:)”
It didn’t occur to me either, until my Dom, at the time, told me a husband in our town was charged, convicted, and sent to jail for involuntary manslaughter, after his wife died during a bdsm accident.
Another kind of load? You mean for a Dom/me in regards to a long-term relationship like I brought up?
Hm, that is a tough one for me. On one hand, I believe people, us included, should get to decide the length of our life. On the other hand, I fear for some mental illness may be involved. If that is the case, someone putting themselves in mortal peril may not be in their right mind to decide to let themselves die.
I agree we have an obligation to do no harm. We’re like doctors. 😉 For example, at my worst, I am suicidal, but I have not attempted in years because I saw what my last attempt did to my family. I know if I succeeded I would cause unimaginable pain for my loved ones.
I have an idea in my mind that I am no good and all I do is hurt other people, but I know the pain I would cause through suicide is much greater than any harm I think I cause others in life. Since I’m stuck here for at least 30 years anyway, I should do what I can to please people.
LikeLike
Thank you for the pingback. There are so many things similar. I am also in law school, masochistic and submissive. I hope to follow your journey and hopefully learn a couple of things. Cheers 🙂
LikeLike
You’re welcome! I didn’t know about all the similarities; your post just looked interesting! Good luck to you as well. What year are you?
LikeLike
I’ll be finishing in a few months. You?
LikeLike
LUCKY! It is only my first year. So far, I hate it but people keep assuring me it gets better after the first year. Do you know what kind of law you want to go into?
LikeLike
I am going into corporate law, and hopefully will get the occasional IP related matter.
I don’t know about that, you know. Law disillusioned me to a great extent. Right now, I am looking for a job that will help me get by for a few years and after that, I might change lines. I am not the best person to ask if law is fun, I guess 😛
LikeLike
Well, people say corporate law is where the money is! Lol, no worries, I appreciate the honesty!
LikeLike
I too love rambling, and feel your mental-health & law school pain ;0/
LikeLike
Haha, yay rambling! Thanks for replying! Are you in law school right now? How do you deal with mental illness in law school?
LikeLike
;0) No, I was in law school from 2003 – 2007. Then it took me three years to get my mental health in check so I could take and pass the bar exam. Lots of therapy, lots of trial-and-error with the meds, lots of trying to find better and better docs who would actually listen to me, and back in law school, quite frankly, a lot of weed smoking and believing in “get through now”, “worry about later, later”. It was kind of hellish, but I’m glad now that I made it through. Still working to figure out how to pay off all the school loans hah…but one day… ;0)
LikeLike
Wow, that was a quick reply! Lol, in other words, don’t borrow worries from tomorrow, focus on today. It took you 3 years because with mental illness you were afraid of the Character and Fitness requirement or you couldn’t focus and study while sick? It is nice to hear from someone who made it through to the other side and is happy about it. Are you practicing law now?
LikeLike
Hah ;0) Well…I’m looking for jobs right now, but I was practicing law in guardianships/trusts/estates area for awhile. It was a bore, to be honest. I started doing some legislative/consumer mental-health advocacy work gratuitously down at the statehouse just this past October though, and that’s been a blast. Very frustrating, almost to the point where I cannot take it at times because people can be so cruel – but I know that I couldn’t be doing it as effectively without the law degree, and I also know that we needed someone to speak up here in Ohio. So I decided to “come out of the closet”. I don’t know how that’s going to fare on my job search – so that’s kind of frustrating…but that’s what I was working on just now, hence the quick response ;0) Anything to distract from the mess I’ve made!
LikeLike