Death’s Mistress is COMING

WOW, my mind twin returns in 2017!!! 😀 Nicci, former agent of the Keeper, gets her own book series in 2017.

Say hello to my mind twin, Nicci, former agent of the Keeper.https://i0.wp.com/stream1.gifsoup.com/view/568540/lots-nicci-being-fierce-o.gifnicci gets Rahl

Either Terry Goodkind dealt with depression and that  is how he is inside my mind, we did a Vulcan mind meld, or there is some other factor I am not considering.

Legend of the Seeker: http://youtu.be/zRXJiz6lVnU or

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Book quotes I identify with (All from Faith of the Fallen by Terry Goodkind)

“The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.

She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421

^ This is the quote I was thinking of when I mentioned reading some of Nicci’s thoughts and thinking, “YES, EXACTLY!! “

Show affection for me? Bad Confessor!

“Nicci thought she understood how many of the buildings would feel if they could feel: empty, devoid of life, lacking in purpose while they waited for someone to serve; their only true value being in service to the living.” P. 287

Yes, that is what it is like.

“‘That is all you bring to others: insufferable pain. The Creator brought you into this world for no reason but to ease the misery of others, and here you bring only hurt’…That was when Nicci had first learned that she bore the indelible stain of some shadowy, nameless, unconfessed evil.” P. 211-212

I’ve had this exact thought.

“Helping others is the only way to prove your soul’s value. It’s the only true good a person can do.” P. 289

I don’t believe in religious salvation through good works. I believe in redeeming my value as a human being through good work, which do as much as possible to offset the nameless evil inside me.

“Nicci said she understood. Since she had ability, it was only right that she use it to help those in need.” P. 342

Yep, I’ve thought this as well. I don’t think the government has a right to force people to help others, but I believe people who are given more (intelligence, wealth, etc) are morally obligated to help others who cannot help themselves. I would not condemn someone for enjoying the spoils of their work. In fact, in regards to other people, obligation maybe too strong a word. I think I have an obligation to use my intelligence to do something positive for other people. Failing to do something good for others is a waste of my intelligence. Since wanton waste is bad, spending my life doing something that does not utilize my capability to help others, makes me worthless. For example, if I go back to Wal-Mart and work as a cashier forever; I am bad. Anyone else is not bad for working at Wal-Mart, but since I am capable (intellect) and able (wealth) to get more education and make a larger impact, choosing to ignore that is wrong. Here is an interesting thought exercise from one of my undergrad classes: Does a heart surgeon who is the only one in the world who can perform a certain life saving surgery for sick kids have the right to retire early? If s/he retires early, all the children currently dying of X disease will die and every child born with X disease in the future will die, unless and until some other capable person is trained. I think s/he has a moral obligation to work as long as they are able and to attempt to teach someone else to do the surgery. That doesn’t mean s/he can never take a vacation or relax or even that s/he must spend 80 hours/week performing surgery. Furthermore, no one else, the government included, should force him/her to work. S/he is an independent individual and ought to be allowed to make their own choices, no matter what I or anyone else thinks. However, if I had the ability, I would not retire until I was incapable of performing the surgery because letting someone die if you can save them is the same as killing them in my book. Well, not identical, because if it was identical in my mind I would think society could force him/her to continue working. I believe we can enact laws such as punishment for murder. Therefore, if I truly believed letting someone die was the same as killing them, I would believe we could create laws forcing gifted people in certain areas like medicine to work until they were not longer able.

“Nicci’s safety with him – such as it was – lay in her very indifference to her safety. Her utter disinterest in her own life fascinated Jagang because he knew it was sincere.” P. 398

It was scary to realize I’ve had similar thoughts to the ones that she used to justify trying to end all life. I have zero intention of that. Plus, even if I did decide that was the right path (which I never ever would), in real life I don’t have the power to do what she did.

Nonetheless, it is weird. For example, she told Richard that the world of life is wrong and that is why the Keeper wants to destroy all life. In the past, I’ve considered not having children because it seems cruel to bring a soul into this world that is filled with so much pain. Ha, I’ve told my mom it is a good thing I turn my feelings inward and not out. My emotions are safer directed at me.

I identify with her so much. It is as if she is inside my mind. This fictional character was on the same path I am on. She felt the only way to redeem herself was through service to others and she felt everyone was better than her and she deserved pain. Somehow she went from wanting to help other people, to wanting to kill other people to save them the suffering.

Obviously, I realize she is a fictional character, but her mindset and thoughts are identical to mine. Honestly, in the past, I worried what would happen if I didn’t turn my emotions inward. Would I become a different kind of crazy? Would I be a mean person? Dishonest? Would I hurt others? I’m afraid of the darkness inside me. What if there is another side of it already inside? What if I become a switch?

I know sadists are not evil. I know they can have self-control. I know they can be good people. The depth of my masochism is not safe for me, I use other people’s guidelines to keep myself safe. If I were on the other side…I think that would be bad. Personally, I’ve never felt a sadistic urge, but what if, like Nicci, the monster inside me can be turned? Maybe that is why I want people to torture me, maybe somehow I know keeping the darkness sated through masochism will keep everyone safe.

Darn, this is becoming an existential issue! More than just BDSM it seems….

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Self-Loathing Masochist

Ever since hearing about my brother’s marital issues, I’ve fixated on my masochism. With the popularity of “50 Shades of Grey” and the semi-mainstreaming of BDSM, I’m probably one of a small number of people who meet the diagnostic criteria for Sexual Masochism Disorder.

DSM V:

SMD DSM V criteria.PNG

The purpose of my original blog, Masochist Musing, was to come to terms with my sexuality. I failed in that endeavor.That isn’t completely true, I accepted my bisexual tendencies, but not the masochism. I imported all the posts here; everything from 2013 and 2014 is from that original blog.

Right now, I want to cut to punish myself for being a freak. 

On the bright side, I’ve stayed awake all day

. dean supernatural facepalm1

Perhaps this shame resurgence isn’t just from thinking about my brother. My mom started bugging me about online dating as soon as work ended for the year. It would make sense that thinking about dating triggers both fantasies and fears of intimacy. 

Then again, it could just be my brain cycling. If I’m not cutting or actively eating disordered, I’m focusing on BDSM… Specifically, my self-hate related to it. *sigh*

Electric Play for the Win

I need to get more sleep. I’ve been so busy lately!! Today we made circuits in Science class; it was a hit with almost everyone. I know they won’t always love the lesson, but I’m excited that my first class went well! Everyone, except Sean, participated and even David answered some questions correctly! Cory switched to the older kids’ group and did well. He interrupted staff and peers much less. However, in the morning, he intentionally set off two kids in his room by targeting their triggers (You’re a weak baby and no one is your friend, respectively). However, everyone turned it around.

Jacob was incredible today! The new kid cursed him out during break and Jacob simply removed himself from the situation and left the gym! When he came back from break, I asked how break was and he started crying. We talked a bit, but he was still upset. I asked him if he wanted to go to the Quiet Room and calm down. HE DID; HE WALKED TO THE QUIET ROOM BEFORE BEHAVIORS!! So, I’m going to give him a 5 minute break pass that he can use at any point tomorrow.

Sean actually did work today and didn’t call me a whore, so, yay? Lol, we’re alike in many ways. I think he is depressed right now. All he wants to do is sleep. Therefore, nothing motivates him. Also, more importantly, he didn’t run out of the building. He eloped 3 times yesterday. Surprisingly, he walked back to class from outside without help, although I got down to “1” in my countdown.

Joe was upset and made me nervous because the principal left for the few hours and Joe is a strong, big kid. When he has a meltdown he needs 4 or 5 men to keep him safe. I’m proud of him for walking with me to the Safe Place (aka QR) and talking about why he was upset. It was great!

Apparently, my boss knows me better than I realize. The new BCBA asked if I was dating. I said I wasn’t and my boss chimed in that I need a dominant man. Someone suggested ChristianMingle and she said, “No, Christian men are too nice for you. You need someone to take control.” The way I responded made her choke on her food while laughing, “How do YOU know that?” I guess it takes one to know one, she said he husband puts her in her place, but not in a mean way; he is dominant.

Alternatives to Self-Injury and ED

one-dayh-you-will-be-better-at-coping-on-day-you-wont-have-to-self-destruct

I made a chart to try to help myself think of things I can instead of eating disorder or self-injury behaviors. I’m not done with this chart. I still need to add antecedents (the specific event that causes behavior, Ex. my friend criticizes my clothes) and setting events (any physical, social, environmental, or physiological event that increases the likelihood an antecedent will trigger behavior, Ex. having a cold, being in a crowded room, feeling overheated).

However, I finished the function of behaviors (what the behavior does for me) and replacement behaviors (things I can do instead of ED or SI) sections of my chart. It is still important to identify the setting events and antecedents because that can help me use coping skills before I start feeling upset.

 

What coping skills or replacement behaviors help you? Do you have any thoughts on what I wrote? Thanks!

 

Setting Event Antecedent Function Replacement Behavior
    Concern/ caring from others ???
    Pushing people away Just stop talking to them, depression makes you do that anyway. Plus, people seem to drift away even when you don’t want them to. Therefore, you don’t need behaviors to separate the wheat from the chaff. What you really mean is testing loyalty. You want to see who stays, but those who aren’t true friends will eventually leave anyway, why torture yourself to test the people who love you?
    Keeping others close Make an effort to do specific things with people you care about at regular intervals, show them you care, basically, be a friend to have friends
    Distraction This is similar to the boredom ideas, but use things that specifically take your mind away like reading or a movie or an opposite emotion (ex. Comedy) TV show.
    Self-punishment/ Guilt ???
    Expressing anger ???
    Self-esteem Measurable success is part of self-esteem. However, there are other reasons. One way ED, SI, and BDSM give me self-esteem is that I can endure things that are considered torture by civilized societies (starvation, whipping, cutting, burning, and stress positions). This also ties into strength and power. Part of the issue is I KNOW I am good at these things. Ever since I was little my parents remarked on my pain tolerance. My dad and I used to play games to see who (my brother or I) could withstand pain or cold the longest. One time I passed out. Another time, I started bleeding. I KNOW I am good at weight loss. I don’t know if I’m good at anything else.
    Measurable success Lots of things are measurable! How fast or far you can run, how much weight you can lift, etc. Don’t use things that are dependent on others’ evaluation like grades in school or performance evaluations at work. Those aren’t objective.
    Emotional stability Work on emotional regulation techniques in DBT workbook? However, behaviors are more effective because I don’t have to feel things as strongly in the first place! Emotional regulation requires experiencing the full force of my emotion and dealing with them better. With ED especially, I don’t have to feel in the first place. Restricting blunts all my emotions. How can healthy emotional regulation be preferable?
    Strength/ Power/ Control (superiority to others) Most of the time, I feel weak and pathetic. When I use behaviors or endure pain to give someone else pleasure, I show strength and willpower and self-control. Exercising through pain or to exhaustion might have the same effect.
    Alleviates Boredom Incorporate fun things into your daily life, so boredom isn’t a problem. Relearn knitting, horseback riding, reading, etc.
    Alleviates Loneliness Do things on a regular basis with friends. Try meetup.com, go to classes like art classes at Michaels, go to support groups. However, this requires more effort then behaviors. I KNOW behaviors. Also, how do I know anything other than the first idea will actually work? I don’t, but I guess I should try. I lose nothing by trying. I can’t do things on a regular basis with friends because they don’t actually want to do anything with me. I try to set things up and it never works out.
       

 

Afraid of my Own Mind

I’m one step closer to becoming a supernatural serial killer working for the devil. *Note: I am not delusional. I know that is impossible!

In one of my previous posts, I talked about identifying with Nicci from The Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. I wrote the post in 2014 and all of my thoughts still apply. Re-reading it made me realize I am closer to her breaking point than 2 years ago.

“I identify with her so much. It is as if she is inside my mind. This fictional character was on the same path I am on. She felt the only way to redeem herself was through service to others and she felt everyone was better than her and she deserved pain. Somehow she went from wanting to help other people, to wanting to kill other people to save them the suffering.”

I crossed the line of thinking about killing someone to save them from suffering. Crap. I’m still afraid of myself. I’m afraid of who I will become if I stop hurting myself. After all, they call it “sadomasochism”, what if I am capable of sadism too?! What if, my self-injury (in all its forms: SIB, eating disorder, masochism, suicide attempts), is all that stops me from becoming a sadist? What if I AM evil?

I know what it is like to be afraid of your own mind

These thoughts make me think I should kill myself to protect everyone around me. Part of me knows that is irrational because I care too much about how other people feel. I would never harm someone else. Yet, the fear is persistent! I brought it up with my therapist and she replied that I care too much about other people. I got my response from her. Despite keeping that response in mind, my fear of myself remains.

I don’t actual believe most of what I’m typing right now, but a small part of me does and I’m trying to release all the crazy thoughts before I let them loose on Ginny or my inpatient friend.

Happy Tears

Today started out great! I woke up on my own and did all my ADLs (Activities of Daily Living – showering, eating, brushing teeth, dressing)! Incredibly, I felt like going out. For example, going to my church’s young adult group or even dating again.

I cried in church. I don’t think I’ve ever done that. They were happy tears though.

3 pastors told their stories. One talked about growing up in church, but not feeling God as she reached her teen years. She desperately wanted to feel connected to God, but she felt nothing. She started exploring other religions, trying to find God. Years later, in her 20s, she gave up. She prayed, saying she wasn’t Christian; she didn’t believe in Jesus and God had to accept that because she tried so hard, for so long. Immediately she felt peace for the first time in years and “heard” God say yes. Within a week, she finally felt God as a tangible force in her life.

She said, “When I finally accepted myself as I was, as imperfect as I was, I could feel God accept me.” She was more eloquent, unfortunately I can’t remember her words now! I remembered more of it in my first draft, which WordPress deleted when my browser refreshed during publishing. Nonetheless, the sermon gave me hope that I could one day feel God as a real, currently reachable, being.

 

Ginny asked me not to use behaviors in front of her. I tested myself during church. I caught myself  scratching, picking, or bruising 11 times in a half hour! I was honestly trying not to self-injure. Every time I noticed self-harming, I stopped. However, it kept happening! I was surprised, disappointed, and a little concerned. This bodes ill for tomorrow and implies I’m not as in control as I thought.

I told her about my attempt not to self-injure because I’m worried she’ll think either I’m ignoring her request or I don’t care about her feelings and I’m intentionally self-harming in front of her for attention.

 

In spite of the SI experiment, I was still in a good mood during church and through lunch. I decided to nap before walking to the park. Talk about motivation! I couldn’t get sleep and masochistic fantasies ran through my mind. That hasn’t happened in a while because my mind was too occupied with eating disordered thoughts. I felt guilty. I felt like a freak. I punctured some bruises with a needle for quick pain and easy bleeding. I think I wanted to punish myself.

Eating Disorders and Friendships

Months ago, when I first opened up to Ginny about my eating disorder, I expressed my fear that she’d eventually distance herself because I was too stressful. I’ve lost many friends over the years because of mental illness. I am too exhausting for them. It hurts and perpetuates the thought that I’m not good enough, I’m a burden to loved ones, and they’d all be better off without me.

I knew that inevitable process started and that is why I created this blog. I frequent a few eating disorder related sites and I even felt burdensome on them.

Last night Ginny finally addressed her increasing distance. She noticed the practically constant self-injury over the past 2 days or at least, she noticed the increased self-inflicted injuries on my arms. I think that caused her to address the relational shift. The self-injury bothered her a lot. She said she is concerned about my deterioration and can’t compartmentalize. Awhile ago she said she didn’t want to talk about the eating disorder just to talk bout the eating disorder. In other words, if I wasn’t trying to get better, she didn’t want to talk about it. That seems fair. So, I started making an effort not to talk about it. It is difficult because my mind is almost exclusively consumed with self-loathing and eating disordered thoughts. However, I thought I was doing much better not bringing it all up. She admitted it is difficult for her not to bring it up too because she sees me getting worse and can’t ignore it. Talking about other things feels superficial to her. Therefore, despite my efforts to talk about other things, she pulls away.

Maybe it is easier just to not let anyone in_Buffy

So, as I see it, we’re kind of screwed. I’m not getting better and I’m not trying. I don’t particularly feel like trying.

She asked that I don’t use behaviors in front of her. I’m 90% sure I can stop self-injuring in front of people. I can also hide it better by self-injuring on my legs instead of my upper arms. Those are usually hidden, but often when I reach for something, my sleeve rides up and my injuries are visible.

I said I could definitely do it last night. However, this morning I’m not so confident. It is an addictive process because it is automatically reinforcing. It works, immediately. Despite telling kids everyday to use their coping skills instead of maladaptive behavior, coping skills don’t work as well as self-injury or binge/purging. That leaves me sitting with negative emotions. Actually, I could leave every time I feel upset. I suppose that is what I will have to do when the anger/ sadness/ jealousy become overwhelming. I don’t know if that is good enough for her though. I suggested wearing sweatshirts again, but she said that didn’t matter because she isn’t oblivious and would know the injuries were there.

I don’t know why I’m refusing treatment. I don’t enjoy feeling like crap, hurting the people I care about, screaming at my mom, and destroying my few friendships.

Do you think I chose to be like this. Do you have any idea how lonely it is_Buffy_mark_Small.gif

I’d still be in therapy if my therapist hadn’t left private practice. I have abandonment issues and her job change did not help! Every time I try to get back in treatment and something goes wrong, I feel more hopeless. The first therapist I tried wasn’t taking new patients. The second therapist I tried cost too much and the study rejected me.

If I could not use behaviors AND not feel miserable, I’d do it is a heartbeat. I don’t trust my ability to do that.When I really want to I can control whether or not to use behaviors, but it is painful! I’ve tried in the past and failed. Healthy coping skills make me more miserable on a day to day basis, even though they make relationships easier. When I’m not in an active eating disorder relapse, either my self-injury or unhealthy BDSM behaviors increase (Ex. not using a safe word, meeting strangers in private locations without telling anyone). I guess the truth is not that I want to stay sick, but that I feel hopeless.

 

Back to relationships and behaviors…

I don’t understand how some people can maintain friendships and romantic relationships while engaging in eating disordered behaviors. I never could and apparently, I still can’t. I see people from treatment or online go out with friends or getting married and I’m sitting here ruining all my relationships. I am so jealous of those people! Seeing people succeed in friendships and love blows my mind. It is just another way I don’t measure up. At least I can be thin.