I’m moving to a state where no one knows me. I could be anyone. Other than my stupid scars, I don’t have to have a past. I know I can pretend to be bubbly and extroverted because I was as a camp counselor. I also know I can make small talk because I managed to be the talkative one at a high school friend’s baby shower, where I knew no one.
Ginny told me a while ago that I’m too intense and it is off-putting to some people at work because I’m always serious. On one hand, I’ll be surrounded by other graduate students and they may be more serious as well. On the other hand, I could try being less Olivia Dunham Season 1 and more Olivia Dunham Season 5. ;p
In the meantime, I’m sad that I have less than 9 days of work left. I’m avoiding packing. As I feel more sad, I’m withdrawing from friends. I’m not sure if I’m isolating to decrease the pain of leaving or if I’m isolating because that is my MO when I’m sad.
Have you ever moved states? If so, how did it feel and how did you handle it?
Annoyance is the feeling, but I’m not actually feeling it. I just liked alliteration.
I want to cut right now and I don’t know why. I’m not thinking about anything upsetting. I’m not dissociating. I don’t feel depressed. I can’t identify any negative feelings, other than, “I-want-to-self-injure”. Lame.
I told my boss’ boss on Friday that I was leaving. That made me want to cut. I think I felt sad because I also felt like crying, but maybe it was anxiety. I’m not sure.
Not matter what happens I manage to find a way I am not good enough or a scenario where I’ll mess up.
I get a student from another program: It is because my boss thinks I am too inept to handle an entirely new student.
I don’t get the student from another program: My boss thinks I am too weak and emotionally vulnerable to handle their trauma history.
Ginny leaves and invites me to the Going Away party: My boss, my boss’s boss, my boss’s boss’s boss, and maybe even her boss will all attend. It is over the lunch hour. There will be expectations of eating and intimidating people. I’m too pathetic to act normal. They will realize I’m a freak.
Ginny leaves and does not invite me: No one likes me. Ginny is glad she never has to see me again.
I am working on assuming (if I’m mind reading) or acknowledging the positive.
For example, Ashley thinks I’d be good for the student with a trauma history. When I advocate for myself, she still thinks I’d be good for the student with the trauma history, but believes more strongly that I shouldn’t have to deal with the uncomfortable parallels. This means she cares about me as a human being, not that she thinks I am weak.
Today: No one else pays attention to your food intake. People will be focusing on Ginny, I don’t envy her that! If someone makes an asinine comment, you can redirect them by asking how they’ll deal without her around.
I ended up getting the student from a public school. His first day is later this week. I’m excited!
Random note: Vomiting when sick is vastly different from purging. Ugh. However, I am NOT missing my new student’s first day or Ginny’s last day, which are both this week.
I put a deposit on an apartment and gave unofficial notice at work!
Ashley straight out asked if I’d decided what to do about my practicum and I don’t lie well to direct questions, unless it involves hiding ED behaviors… Yet I’m going to miss my kiddos!
I restricted, then I ate a few handfuls of gummy bears after work. Now I feel sick. I was going to purge at work, but stopped because I don’t want to be out of control.
I made a deal with myself. If I was alone in the house, I’d purge when I got home. I wasn’t alone, but now I am. Therefore, I want to purge. Blah, negative reinforcement is powerful! I want this sick feeling to go away. On the other hand, if I purge 2 days in a row, what does that say about my self-control? Maybe if I repeat to myself that REAL strength is eating and not purging, I’ll believe it eventually. In the back of my mind, I still believe the pro-ana ideas… Don’t be beaten by a cookie. You’re not a dog, don’t reward yourself with food. Empty is good. Empty is strong… okay, wrong train of thought!
…I could nap. I am sleepy, but that is also avoidance of the sick feeling from only eating gummy bears and a piece of popcorn today.
I promised my mom I would eat. If I don’t, she’ll be upset and we’ll argue about whether I am capable of moving and not relapsing. I can’t handle eating right now. Maybe later. No one will be back until 9 pm.
I don’t like change. I’m going to miss everyone! My grandparents came over last night and gave me chocolate. My grandpa said, “Try not to eat it all at once.” as they left. Ha! I haven’t eaten it, but that isn’t the point. My point is they are extremely sweet to bring me chocolate! They’re 90 and 86 years old and they drove over at night to give me candy. I’m worried if I leave for a year, they’ll die. Also, my 14 year old dog could die. I told myself I’d be better about going to lunch with my grandparents on Sundays this semester. So far, I have not been better and I don’t have much time left!
I knew this would happen. My behavior is predictable. I am afraid I won’t measure up; I am scared my beliefs about myself are about to be confirmed. Plus, I’m already missing everyone! So, I binge, purge, and restrict. Why? I’m not sure exactly, to have an excuse if I fail or to stop myself from taking a chance that could end in failure in the first place?
I’m just rambling so I don’t bother other people and trying to distract myself. Apparently, I’m channeling Whiskey/ Dr. Saunders this week!
Work was fun. We’re trying something new with one of my kids. I always find that interesting. I trying to smile and talk to people more. I’m leaving soon, but I’m trying to practice opening up. Not enough for anyone new to know me, just enough that they think I’m not always serious… Although, I am usually serious! 😉 I want them to trust and listen to me. That means talking about non-work stuff. But NOT mental illness, oversharing is limited to people I actually trust. Once, I tried talking more to a co-worker and then he said he had feelings for me. That would be great! … If he wasn’t married.
I’m checking out apartments this week, but I also have 3 exams and 10 hours of lecture to watch between now and when I return home.
I need to create and print my students’ work for the 2 days I am out.
Ginny is leaving and that means there is no BCBA for my students until a new one is hired. In the mean time, Claire and I are trying to fill the gaps. I don’t see how that is possible!
The thought of leaving my kiddos and my co-workers makes me sad. I’ll miss them.
Jessica moved a few weeks ago and I’m worried about her because she is struggling with eating disorder symptoms.
However, here I still have Ginny and Madison. Even though we don’t hang out much, I have the opportunity to and that option makes a difference in my mind. It won’t be an option soon.
I don’t want to be that person who lets their work slide when they decide they’re leaving, but I don’t have enough hours in the day to finish everything! I guess I need a new coping skill that involves problem solving instead of avoidance.
I purged at work, for the first time in months or maybe even a year. However, I also took apart the tape dispenser, intending to cut, and did not. So, I suppose that is a minor win, sort of… The better option would have been asking to talk to Ginny, Ashley, or Claire again (we already talked as a group once in the morning, but I was still anxious) before getting to that point. Despite knowing that alternative was better, I didn’t want to bother anyone. They seemed annoyed or perplexed by my anxiety.