Isolation

I complain a lot about not having many friends and not having a significant other, but I sit here avoiding my 2 or 3 friends and ignoring interested people because I don’t deserve caring.

Acting opposite is hard.

I caught myself thinking, “My eating disorder will always be my friend.”

bored now dark willow - Copy.gif

 

Am I Dark Willow or am I Warren? Haha, I’m not sure. However, I am sure “my eating disorder is my friend” is a messed up thought and I’m mad at myself for thinking it. WHY am I prioritizing a deadly mental illness over relationships with other human beings?!

At the same time, I’m not sick enough for help.

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How many trials?!

How many trials will it take for me to know asking off work is an awful idea?! My employer’s paid time off policy is that any PTO you don’t use in a calendar year rolls over to an emergency bank. You can only use emergency bank hours for big events like hospitalization or surgery, not simple sick days. The days are not paid out if you leave the company. Therefore, you will likely lose them. When I first arrived, they paid you the unused PTO at the end of the year. That was wonderful! I know it cost them money though.

Anyway, as a result, of this policy, I took a week off. We were supposed to take a trip to see my brother, which would’ve taken my mind off myself. However, that didn’t end up happening. So, I’m just hanging out at home, wondering how my kids at work are fairing, and obsessing over eating disordered thoughts.

Bored Now_Willow_ Buffy

On the bright side, one usual reaction to boredom is self-injury or binging. I haven’t done either; I’m sleeping a lot.

Medication Experiment

It didn’t last long. I took my medication today. I couldn’t sleep last night and I need to study today. More importantly, I had a passing homicidal thought. I’ve never been tempted to act on those thoughts in the same way I’m tempted with suicide at times. However, they still terrify me! I know most people have passing thoughts when angry at loved one, but it still scares me.

In my case, I’m not angry. I think about it when I’m suicidal because I know my death would destroy my mom. Therefore, in my darkest moments, I (rarely) contemplate murder-suicide to solve the guilt over leaving my mom. I know it is messed up and irrational and wrong, but nonetheless, it comes to mind. So, back on meds I go.

Sometimes I think I’m doing the world a favor by hurting myself. My self-hate keeps to preoccupied. What if my self-hate was projected out?

LotS_nicci boils rhal

Hello, Old Friend

Hi guys. I disappeared for a bit because I didn’t feel like being positive and I didn’t feel like writing because I knew few people read this. My depression is alright, but my eating disorder is a problem again. I’m predictable like that.

I posted this on the one pro-ana website I still frequent. No one replied. I’m more convinced my fears are correct and I am a hopeless, pathetic moron because even people who refuse recovery aren’t as bad as me.

“I’m skipping work right now because I binged (less than 800 calories – I KNOW this is irrational!!) when I could easily fast. I’m house-sitting, so I’m alone. It was probably an awful idea to weigh myself. I’m up 3 pounds and therefore, too fat for anyone to see me.

I’ve only skipped work once before. It was almost a year ago and my depression was crippling. (I actually posted about it here)

The worst part is yesterday I lied to my boss to get out of a team-building lunch and she called me on my lie!! I work at a school for students with violent of self-injurious behavior; on Wednesdays, the kids go home early. We get an hour long lunch. This week she said we were all going out together. I couldn’t handle it. I’m weird about eating in front of certain people. I know some of you hate eating in front of anyone. Personally, I eat in front of strangers and loved ones without too much guilt. However, my anxiety skyrockets when I have to eat with 3 or more acquaintances. I’m afraid they’ll judge me for eating bad food and being disgusting. In contrast, I know my family and friends love me at any weight and I don’t care what strangers think.

Anyway, I planned on pushing myself and trying the lunch, but they kept changing the place we were going to eat! I kept planning meals and then having to start over. They settled on an fast food place with no good food! So, I was a weak baby and avoided it. I texted my boss that I was ill and wouldn’t make it to the lunch because I needed to go home. She said: “I know you said no eating on your sheet about team building. If you say you were studying for a final then you don’t have to ask off or anything it is optional.” I’ve never had anyone call me on an ED related lie like that except my parents and therapists. Damn, it was awkward!! Now I’m afraid she won’t trust me.

I am a pathetic piece of shit. :(

I haven’t been fired YET, but if I miss more than 3 days without 24 hour advanced notification, I get written up. I’m scared my boss will know I lied again. I hate myself!!!

Am I alone in this? Please tell me you’ve done similar things. :wacko: Can anyone tell me fucked up ED and job stories so I feel less like a freak? I feel that I deserve punishment right now. I want to cut or binge/purge (that would be insanely illogical).”

I'm evil, I'm bad, do you hear me_faith_angel.gif

*sigh*

Maybe it is karma, but every time I stand up, I get a nosebleed and feel dizzy. I couldn’t work like this.

Death’s Mistress is COMING

WOW, my mind twin returns in 2017!!! 😀 Nicci, former agent of the Keeper, gets her own book series in 2017.

Say hello to my mind twin, Nicci, former agent of the Keeper.https://i0.wp.com/stream1.gifsoup.com/view/568540/lots-nicci-being-fierce-o.gifnicci gets Rahl

Either Terry Goodkind dealt with depression and that  is how he is inside my mind, we did a Vulcan mind meld, or there is some other factor I am not considering.

Legend of the Seeker: http://youtu.be/zRXJiz6lVnU or

_

Book quotes I identify with (All from Faith of the Fallen by Terry Goodkind)

“The pillows were stained with her blood. It had been a long night of rare sensations experienced.

She knew she was evil, and deserved to be violated in such a brutal fashion. She could offer no moral objection to it; even in the terrible things he did to her, Jagang was nowhere near as corrupt as she. Jagang erred in simple matters of the flesh, and that could only be expected – all people were corrupt in the flesh – but because of her indifference to the suffering around her, she failed in matters of the spirit. That, she knew, was pure evil. That was why she deserved to suffer whatever he did to her. For the moment, that deep dark place within came close to being sated.” P. 420-421

^ This is the quote I was thinking of when I mentioned reading some of Nicci’s thoughts and thinking, “YES, EXACTLY!! “

Show affection for me? Bad Confessor!

“Nicci thought she understood how many of the buildings would feel if they could feel: empty, devoid of life, lacking in purpose while they waited for someone to serve; their only true value being in service to the living.” P. 287

Yes, that is what it is like.

“‘That is all you bring to others: insufferable pain. The Creator brought you into this world for no reason but to ease the misery of others, and here you bring only hurt’…That was when Nicci had first learned that she bore the indelible stain of some shadowy, nameless, unconfessed evil.” P. 211-212

I’ve had this exact thought.

“Helping others is the only way to prove your soul’s value. It’s the only true good a person can do.” P. 289

I don’t believe in religious salvation through good works. I believe in redeeming my value as a human being through good work, which do as much as possible to offset the nameless evil inside me.

“Nicci said she understood. Since she had ability, it was only right that she use it to help those in need.” P. 342

Yep, I’ve thought this as well. I don’t think the government has a right to force people to help others, but I believe people who are given more (intelligence, wealth, etc) are morally obligated to help others who cannot help themselves. I would not condemn someone for enjoying the spoils of their work. In fact, in regards to other people, obligation maybe too strong a word. I think I have an obligation to use my intelligence to do something positive for other people. Failing to do something good for others is a waste of my intelligence. Since wanton waste is bad, spending my life doing something that does not utilize my capability to help others, makes me worthless. For example, if I go back to Wal-Mart and work as a cashier forever; I am bad. Anyone else is not bad for working at Wal-Mart, but since I am capable (intellect) and able (wealth) to get more education and make a larger impact, choosing to ignore that is wrong. Here is an interesting thought exercise from one of my undergrad classes: Does a heart surgeon who is the only one in the world who can perform a certain life saving surgery for sick kids have the right to retire early? If s/he retires early, all the children currently dying of X disease will die and every child born with X disease in the future will die, unless and until some other capable person is trained. I think s/he has a moral obligation to work as long as they are able and to attempt to teach someone else to do the surgery. That doesn’t mean s/he can never take a vacation or relax or even that s/he must spend 80 hours/week performing surgery. Furthermore, no one else, the government included, should force him/her to work. S/he is an independent individual and ought to be allowed to make their own choices, no matter what I or anyone else thinks. However, if I had the ability, I would not retire until I was incapable of performing the surgery because letting someone die if you can save them is the same as killing them in my book. Well, not identical, because if it was identical in my mind I would think society could force him/her to continue working. I believe we can enact laws such as punishment for murder. Therefore, if I truly believed letting someone die was the same as killing them, I would believe we could create laws forcing gifted people in certain areas like medicine to work until they were not longer able.

“Nicci’s safety with him – such as it was – lay in her very indifference to her safety. Her utter disinterest in her own life fascinated Jagang because he knew it was sincere.” P. 398

It was scary to realize I’ve had similar thoughts to the ones that she used to justify trying to end all life. I have zero intention of that. Plus, even if I did decide that was the right path (which I never ever would), in real life I don’t have the power to do what she did.

Nonetheless, it is weird. For example, she told Richard that the world of life is wrong and that is why the Keeper wants to destroy all life. In the past, I’ve considered not having children because it seems cruel to bring a soul into this world that is filled with so much pain. Ha, I’ve told my mom it is a good thing I turn my feelings inward and not out. My emotions are safer directed at me.

I identify with her so much. It is as if she is inside my mind. This fictional character was on the same path I am on. She felt the only way to redeem herself was through service to others and she felt everyone was better than her and she deserved pain. Somehow she went from wanting to help other people, to wanting to kill other people to save them the suffering.

Obviously, I realize she is a fictional character, but her mindset and thoughts are identical to mine. Honestly, in the past, I worried what would happen if I didn’t turn my emotions inward. Would I become a different kind of crazy? Would I be a mean person? Dishonest? Would I hurt others? I’m afraid of the darkness inside me. What if there is another side of it already inside? What if I become a switch?

I know sadists are not evil. I know they can have self-control. I know they can be good people. The depth of my masochism is not safe for me, I use other people’s guidelines to keep myself safe. If I were on the other side…I think that would be bad. Personally, I’ve never felt a sadistic urge, but what if, like Nicci, the monster inside me can be turned? Maybe that is why I want people to torture me, maybe somehow I know keeping the darkness sated through masochism will keep everyone safe.

Darn, this is becoming an existential issue! More than just BDSM it seems….

Self-Loathing Masochist

Ever since hearing about my brother’s marital issues, I’ve fixated on my masochism. With the popularity of “50 Shades of Grey” and the semi-mainstreaming of BDSM, I’m probably one of a small number of people who meet the diagnostic criteria for Sexual Masochism Disorder.

DSM V:

SMD DSM V criteria.PNG

The purpose of my original blog, Masochist Musing, was to come to terms with my sexuality. I failed in that endeavor.That isn’t completely true, I accepted my bisexual tendencies, but not the masochism. I imported all the posts here; everything from 2013 and 2014 is from that original blog.

Right now, I want to cut to punish myself for being a freak. 

On the bright side, I’ve stayed awake all day

. dean supernatural facepalm1

Perhaps this shame resurgence isn’t just from thinking about my brother. My mom started bugging me about online dating as soon as work ended for the year. It would make sense that thinking about dating triggers both fantasies and fears of intimacy. 

Then again, it could just be my brain cycling. If I’m not cutting or actively eating disordered, I’m focusing on BDSM… Specifically, my self-hate related to it. *sigh*

Alone in the House with Anxiety

I am not fond of this_Teal'c_Stargate SG1.gif

My mom is leaving for 5 days tomorrow morning. I just weighed myself and I’m UP 5 pounds from Wednesday!! I haven’t talked to Ginny since Friday because I’m trying to be less of a pest and let her enjoy the holiday weekend. I’m not done watching the lectures for class tonight. Additionally, my promotion starts tomorrow, but we’re not moving the kids’ rooms around until Wednesday.

I’m concerned about my self-care while my mom is out of town. I’m not suicidal; that is positive. However, I’m worried about eating. I know I shouldn’t have weighed myself. I also know it isn’t all real weight, some of it is food and water weight. I’m still upset about the increase because some of it is real weight gain. I feel Ginny doesn’t want to talk to me and the longer we go without talking, the more distant I fear we become. Logically, I know we’re both extremely busy this weekend and it has only been 2 days. There are plenty of people I don’t talk to for 2 days and that silence doesn’t make me question our friendship. Predictably I’m anxious about the promotion. Also, I realized 2 out of the 3 kids in my room are kids I won’t restrain often, if at all. Therefore, I don’t need to eat lunch at work. I’m a tightly wound ball of anxiety right now.