Hello, Old Friend

Hi guys. I disappeared for a bit because I didn’t feel like being positive and I didn’t feel like writing because I knew few people read this. My depression is alright, but my eating disorder is a problem again. I’m predictable like that.

I posted this on the one pro-ana website I still frequent. No one replied. I’m more convinced my fears are correct and I am a hopeless, pathetic moron because even people who refuse recovery aren’t as bad as me.

“I’m skipping work right now because I binged (less than 800 calories – I KNOW this is irrational!!) when I could easily fast. I’m house-sitting, so I’m alone. It was probably an awful idea to weigh myself. I’m up 3 pounds and therefore, too fat for anyone to see me.

I’ve only skipped work once before. It was almost a year ago and my depression was crippling. (I actually posted about it here)

The worst part is yesterday I lied to my boss to get out of a team-building lunch and she called me on my lie!! I work at a school for students with violent of self-injurious behavior; on Wednesdays, the kids go home early. We get an hour long lunch. This week she said we were all going out together. I couldn’t handle it. I’m weird about eating in front of certain people. I know some of you hate eating in front of anyone. Personally, I eat in front of strangers and loved ones without too much guilt. However, my anxiety skyrockets when I have to eat with 3 or more acquaintances. I’m afraid they’ll judge me for eating bad food and being disgusting. In contrast, I know my family and friends love me at any weight and I don’t care what strangers think.

Anyway, I planned on pushing myself and trying the lunch, but they kept changing the place we were going to eat! I kept planning meals and then having to start over. They settled on an fast food place with no good food! So, I was a weak baby and avoided it. I texted my boss that I was ill and wouldn’t make it to the lunch because I needed to go home. She said: “I know you said no eating on your sheet about team building. If you say you were studying for a final then you don’t have to ask off or anything it is optional.” I’ve never had anyone call me on an ED related lie like that except my parents and therapists. Damn, it was awkward!! Now I’m afraid she won’t trust me.

I am a pathetic piece of shit. :(

I haven’t been fired YET, but if I miss more than 3 days without 24 hour advanced notification, I get written up. I’m scared my boss will know I lied again. I hate myself!!!

Am I alone in this? Please tell me you’ve done similar things. :wacko: Can anyone tell me fucked up ED and job stories so I feel less like a freak? I feel that I deserve punishment right now. I want to cut or binge/purge (that would be insanely illogical).”

I'm evil, I'm bad, do you hear me_faith_angel.gif

*sigh*

Maybe it is karma, but every time I stand up, I get a nosebleed and feel dizzy. I couldn’t work like this.

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Chaos in the Special Education Classroom

I am extremely frustrated!!

Music class was a disaster! Mark and Ashley talked about how often you need to get STD tested based on how many people you sleep with.

spie annoyed rolling eye

Everyone’s direction was to write down the song you want to listen to. John started whining, so staff wrote for him. They’re trying to avoid behaviors and not even prompting him to ask appropriately! Two of my co-workers were chatting and placating him. One of them was assigned to Cory, but she totally ignored him. Many other staff, me included, gave Cory directions. She was so oblivious that she went over checks (the kids earn break by keeping a safe body, following directions, and doing their work) and gave them all to him. Mark was his second staff and he paid attention. Therefore, Mark knew Cory didn’t get his full break because he didn’t follow directions. He had behaviors when he had to go over checks again. He should be able to accept that adults make mistakes too, but the point is that Music was a clusterfuck.

Gage was kicking the bookshelf hard and pushed Ron away, but his staff only prompted him to stop. Pushing IS aggression even if it isn’t “hard” enough to push someone over. They did not remove him. He even swiped at his staff with a book when she gave him a direction. A different co-worker tried to tell his staff that he needed to leave, but his staff said the swiping wasn’t hard. Ron was taking things away from Gage and no one did anything. Their 3 staff talked amongst themselves while those 2 antagonized each other.

I stepped in with Cory, but not with Gage because his plan changed. On one hand, I know his actions were unacceptable. On the other hand, I got in trouble for overstepping my bounds. Consequently, I said nothing. Nonetheless, I read the new plan and no one was following it. I also did not step in with Ron because I’ve never worked with him.

The only adult who did not annoy me was the new girl who was just watching quietly.

My psychiatrist forgot my appointment. He mentioned the hospital again. He said he can’t sleep at night. My mom often says he has my best interest at heart because he doesn’t just hospitalize me when it is easier for him to do that. I want to cut right now and I planned to sprint up and down the stairs, but my idiot father is still in town. Therefore, I won’t be alone and I can’t explain why I’m running without admitting I’m dealing with urges.

 

Doublethink

How is it possible that I am simultaneously worried I irreparably damaged my friendship with Ginny (again) because I scared her AND I am convinced I should stop talking socially to anyone at work because friendship is too difficult?

man this socializing this is brutal_Angel.gif

I am struggling, arguing with myself over bringing a razor blade to work. I’d leave it in my car so I don’t endanger anyone.

“You don’t deserve friends. You deserve to be in pain.”

“Ok. It maybe true that I don’t deserve friends, but even if it is true, that doesn’t mean I deserve to be hurt. I don’t need to bring a razor blade. What would be the adaptive thing to do? I could jus stop talking to everyone like I said last night and not go to lunch. That is a better way to deal with this than cutting. I’m bringing The Way of Kings. That should keep me busy. I don’t need to cut.”

“You’re a bad friend. I really bad friend. I hate you!”

“But I can fix being a bad friend by not talking to anyone! Then I don’t need to cut.”

“But the razor blade is comforting. You should bring it just in case you do something wrong.”

“Or I could use coping skills like I tell kids to do every day and get over it.”

Fyi, I do think to myself in  3rd person :p *sigh* Idk what I’ll do. So far, it is stuck between the pages of Brandon Sanderson’s epic book.

Monster in My Mind

On a message board I frequent, someone asked what the monster inside our head looked like. Is it human? Does it even have a body?

The question jogged my memory.

In high school, for art therapy, I drew a picture of a shadowy ghost (instead of white like Casper, it was black like the blackness inside a cave, where no sunlight ever reaches) with fangs and glowing red eyes.

Today, it looks like me. It looks like my perfect image of myself, beckoning me, lying that if I can reach perfection, I’ll be good enough. I’ll deserve to live and be happy.

Fred Illyria Transformation_Angel

Until recently, I thought everyone had an internal dialogue. Apparently, that is not the case.  If you have a voice in your head (ED or not, maybe it is simply a critical voice or an anxious, fearful voice), what would it look like?

Goal

Look at me! I’m awake at a reasonable hour! 10 am is reasonable for an employed 25 year old, right? 😉

My goals for today are no naps and no binging. It should be an easy goal,  but not for me.

Angel_weak

Yesterday I slept until I had an eye doctor appointment at 1 pm. Then I binged. I didn’t purge, but that put me in a bad mood the rest of the day. If I’d purged, I’d feel tired, but pleasant. What a great way to start the new month. Binging without purging made me cranky and my stomach hurt all night. Failing to purge also makes me nervous because part of me feels proud. Pride over not purging is dangerous for me. I got to my (literally) obese high weight by attempting to recover. My half-recovery led to frequent binging and no purging.

I told my mom that I binged and for once, she didn’t interrogate me about it and didn’t pressure me to eat. That was a nice reprieve.

Since I was in a bad mood, I wasn’t as talkative as normal with my friend. She eventually messaged me, which was nice because I almost always start conversations. Consequently, I often feel like I’m bothering her!

It didn’t help that I started my period. That makes me feel fat because if I was “good” I’d be too malnourished to menstruate. However, there was one positive to my period. My mom asked my weigh me Sunday night. Technically, she can’t force me to let her weigh me, but she knows exactly how to guilt me into letting her check my weight. It is easier not to argue. Since I’ve let her do it a few times, refusing now would be suspicious. I was anxious because I’ve been losing weight. I’m 4 lbs less than the last time she weighed me. Thankfully she weighed me at night, after dinner. As a result, I was clothed and had food sitting in my stomach. Clothes + food weight + period = the same weight as last time she weighed me!

 

ED is my Secret Weapon

Jealousy rears its ugly head again, but it helped me realize another function of my eating disorder.

I was browsing Facebook and the girl (“Heather”), who got all those compliments from co-workers last week, “liked” one of my closest friend’s (“Ginny”) new pictures before I did. Apparently I’m developing a one-sided competition with her. I felt jealous because I worry my friend thinks Heather cares more about her. Also, they spend a lot of time together because my friend is supervising Heather as she earns her Masters degree. Therefore, I’m worried she’ll decide Heather is smarter than I am and take Heather’s ideas more seriously than mine.

*Sees Heather liked Ginny’s new pictures before I saw the pictures*

“Ugh, Heather! Ginny will think Heather cares more. She probably likes Heather better anyway. No one likes you! You’re worthless. Why do you even try to make friends? Heather would be a better friend anyway. You’re selfish and needy.”

“It is OK! Soon I’ll be thinner than Heather. Then I will be better than Heather! She has no self-control. I have self-control. I am stronger than Heather. It doesn’t matter if no one likes me, as long as I have more willpower than them.”

My eating disorder makes me feel better about myself. It negates any negative feedback (either real or imagined). Didn’t get that promotion? It is alright, I can water fast for 5 days and the person who got the promotion is too weak to water fast! Friend decides to go out with someone else for the evening, even though they previously said they were too tired? No worries, I can lose 7 pounds in a week! It doesn’t matter what anyone says about me or what happens around me; as long as I can lose weight, I can be superior to those lowly humans who think they need food to survive.

My eating disorder makes everything else less salient. As a general rule, I hate myself. I literally want to obliterate most of myself. I want to kill the bad inside me.

Angel_hurting you

I draw all my self-esteem from external sources like performance evaluations at work or tests scores. ED is my only internal barometer of self-worth.

Now all I need to do it figure out how to get my needs met or overcome my fears without ED. LOL.

I feel like my emotions change with the wind. I hate the emotional rollercoaster I’m riding at the moment. Like, REALLY?!?! Seeing that someone *liked* a picture before me, causes this much distress?!  That isn’t normal. Last week I emailed a local DBT group. There are 4 clinicians certified by the Linehan Institute (Marsha Linehan created DBT. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is the gold standard for Borderline Personality Disorder treatment) in my state. This DBT group is run by one of those clinicians. I might be willing to pay for it. Right now, I don’t actually want to recover from my eating disorder. However, I do want less emotional dysregulation.

Afraid of Growing Up Stereotype

I fit so many stereotypes for eating disordered people; it hurts.

  • White
  • High socioeconomic status
  • Afraid of growing up
  • Female
  • Relapse-Recovery-Relapse-Recovery-Relapse
  • Emotionally dysregulated
  • Cutter
  • Selfish
  • Emotionally immature and childish
  • Co-morbid mood and personality disorders (I remember joking with a friend that once we turned 18, if we still had an ED we’d be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder because it seemed like everyone we knew from treatment over 18 had that Dx. Surprise! We both have that diagnosis. My most recent treatment team disagrees, but nonetheless, one person diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder)
  • Distorted body image
  • Control issue
  • Perfectionist

Today I argued with my mom about doing my fair share of the chores around the house. Perhaps argued is not the right word. We weren’t yelling. My mom was perfectly nice about it, until I started getting defensive. I cried. The argument I had with my dad yesterday was about taking responsibility for myself (Ex. getting my headlight fixed, making doctor appointments, waking up at reasonable hours). I’m avoiding all those things for specific reasons. The headlight- money, doctor’s appointments – I’m afraid of the results, and sleeping is just more peaceful than being awake.

There was no reason for me to cry while talking to my mom. As I said, she was nice and reasonable. She didn’t understand why I started crying and I didn’t want to admit the real reason. So, I was just a jerk.

I cried because I am afraid of growing  up. That entails so much. I’m afraid I can’t handle living on my own. I’m afraid my depression and eating disorder will consume me so completely that I won’t function at all and I’ll lose my job. Losing my job means losing health insurance and income. If I’m not making money, I can’t pay bills. All the responsibilities of living on my own and financial independence seem overwhelming. I don’t want to try and then fail. I’d rather let my ED handicap me, so that I never have to try. If I never have to try, I never have to face failure.

Yesterday, my first inclination was to dive so far into my ED that no one expects anything from me. Today, I wanted to cut enough to wind up in the ER. If I’m in the ER for psychiatric reasons, no one would pressure me about school or being a fully functional adult.

Clearly I'm not handling this well_Xander_Buffy

I feel like a pathetic, weak piece of shit admitting this function of my ED and I don’t know how to get over it.