Isolation

I complain a lot about not having many friends and not having a significant other, but I sit here avoiding my 2 or 3 friends and ignoring interested people because I don’t deserve caring.

Acting opposite is hard.

I caught myself thinking, “My eating disorder will always be my friend.”

bored now dark willow - Copy.gif

 

Am I Dark Willow or am I Warren? Haha, I’m not sure. However, I am sure “my eating disorder is my friend” is a messed up thought and I’m mad at myself for thinking it. WHY am I prioritizing a deadly mental illness over relationships with other human beings?!

At the same time, I’m not sick enough for help.

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How many trials?!

How many trials will it take for me to know asking off work is an awful idea?! My employer’s paid time off policy is that any PTO you don’t use in a calendar year rolls over to an emergency bank. You can only use emergency bank hours for big events like hospitalization or surgery, not simple sick days. The days are not paid out if you leave the company. Therefore, you will likely lose them. When I first arrived, they paid you the unused PTO at the end of the year. That was wonderful! I know it cost them money though.

Anyway, as a result, of this policy, I took a week off. We were supposed to take a trip to see my brother, which would’ve taken my mind off myself. However, that didn’t end up happening. So, I’m just hanging out at home, wondering how my kids at work are fairing, and obsessing over eating disordered thoughts.

Bored Now_Willow_ Buffy

On the bright side, one usual reaction to boredom is self-injury or binging. I haven’t done either; I’m sleeping a lot.

Another Friend Bites the Dust

people have a tendency to go away miss them_Dawn summers_Buffy.gif

Ginny said she is leaving our workplace! Oh NO! This is a disaster!! If she leaves, she can’t supervise me. I need 1,500 hours of supervision. I can only get 30 hours/week. That takes longer than a year based on the school’s schedule.

If she leaves, I have no reason not to apply to a Master’s program that requires an intensive practicum. All of the online Master’s degrees, except one, require that you obtain your supervision hours through a practicum that they supervise. I didn’t want to do any of those because I love my job and Ginny is supervising me. If she is no longer able to supervise me, I have less incentive to stay. I can just do a regular Master’s program and move somewhere to do the practicum. The school I’m currently taking the course at, has a practicum site one state away.

I’m freaking out right now. I want to cut, really badly.

Also, I asked for Thursday and Friday off because I am house sitting. That means I have no one expecting me to eat for a week. I can take those days off and water fast without endangering anyone at work. I told her my plan (I think I told her in an attempt to guilt myself into going to work. My plan was successful because until she told me she might leave, I resigned myself to working next week.) Once she told me she might leave, I panicked and felt abandoned. Abandonment is a huge trigger. After the initial panic and then some logical thoughts about school, my next thought was, “Screw this, I’m NOT working next week. I am going to fast.”

Now, is this an attempt to escape my feelings of anger, abandonment, and fear? Or is it an attempt to communicate those feelings to her? If I hadn’t told her my plan in the first place, I could more confidently say I simply wanted to escape my feelings. Since I already told her, I am not sure. Perhaps it is both. After all, staying home and water fasting will accomplish both goals of escaping my feelings and communicating my anger.

 

Edited to Add: 3 hours later and I still have SIB urges. 😦 I started an application, but I’m still anxious and upset.

My ED is Better than your Diet

lame-convo

A co-worker keeps posting about her diet and exercise. I can lose that much weight! I want praise too!

In the time it took me to edit the picture, she has 8 comments and 27 *likes* INCLUDING Ginny and Iris!!

Buffy_angry willow

 

Quitting my Job

I have thoughts, but I’m so tired. People used to say I was eloquent, now I’m repetitive and boring. buffy just trying to keep from dying

I’m increasingly jealous of Ashley. Friday I overheard co-workers wondering how she handled the new kid because she has been with him everyday since I had surgery. My boss put me with him during his first week. Now everyone talks about how patient and calm she is with him. My boss works with her everyday, all day. She worked with me with another student before he became a 2:1. All of our students are 1:1, one adult staffed with one student. Some students are so violent that they need 2 adults with them all day to keep everyone safe. For 2 months, I worked with a student as a 1:1, while we got approval from the school district for a 2:1. For those 2 months, my boss worked with me every day. She trusted me not to react inappropriately to the kid. Now it is all about Ashley. My boss trusts her more. She is better than me. She got the promotion. She has a masters degree. She is fucking smart.

I worked with another kid for over a year straight. A lot of people couldn’t handle his constant screaming. They used to say they didn’t know how I handled him, just like they say about Ashley now. (Ha, I’m so emotional, I typed her real name, crap) Therefore, my boss and Ginny often asked my opinion on him. Now no one asks me about him. In fact, he is the one I think they’re screwing up.

Fuck this shit. I used to love my job.

I’ve thought a lot about quitting lately. I feel trapped because if I want to be a BCBA, I need thousands of hours of supervision. My job is the most practical way to do that and Ginny is willing to supervise me.

So, I stay. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.

I don’t think I can take Barb’s job, if they ever give her the new position they keep promising. Ashley teaches 3 classes right now and does a stellar job. I can’t do better than she does. So, why try? Fuck her. Fuck this job.

I feel like I was more functional when I self-injured more often. I think I’ve deteriorated since I gave Ginny my blades. Perhaps cutting again is wise, at least until the meds kick in.

I don’t like the new BCBA. I don’t know her, but I don’t like the thought of her. They split the kids up differently. Therefore, I have to ask her things, not Ginny. I’m becoming more and more invisible and fucking useless here. No one would care if I disappeared. Ginny would care if I killed myself because she’d feel guilty. However, no one, including her, would blink if I disappeared.

I’m cursing a lot, not so eloquent. My mom used to say cursing was for people with small vocabularies.

Speaking of my mom, things are becoming more tenuous and combative. I KNOW that is my fault because I am irritable and rude.

Edited to Add: I started off this post thinking of POSITIVE thoughts in my head. I felt too tired to write them out, but then my mind started racing and the negative thoughts poured out. Strange how that works… It takes effort to form coherent, positive thoughts, but negative thoughts flow freely.

Food and Friends

There are too many people going to Wednesday lunches these days. As I said before, it was my fault there were so many people last week because I invited Heather and Ashley. However, as of today, there is a new BCBA. So, the group is now: My boss, Ginny, the new BCaBA, the new BCBA, and the O.T. therapist. Therefore, the entire behaviorist staff, my boss, and a therapist comprise the group. When it was just Ginny, my boss, and the O.T. therapist, the dynamic was different. Other program directors (my boss’ title) go out to lunch with their staff. Her presence didn’t make it awkward. There are a ton of therapists. Some go out with classroom supervisors and behavior assistants (my job). Her presence didn’t make it awkward. Ginny was a behaviorist, but there was always 1 other behaviorist and she didn’t go out with us. Therefore, she was one behaviorist out of 2 or 3. However, with the new BCBA and BCaBA going along, the dynamic changes because now all the behaviorists are going to lunch together and then there is awkward little, low man on the totem pole, me.

Fuck this making friends shit. I want my fucking blade. That escalated quickly. I hate social crap. No one likes me anyway. They might tolerate me, but my presence isn’t missed, so why fucking bother? Restricting and cutting sounds better than figuring this shit out. Glad I found that blade for tomorrow.

Sorry for my tone. I’m upset.

….Aaand now I just logged off FB in the middle of talking to Ginny. I hate me. Idk if that was the right choice. On one hand, I’ve never left a conversation like that. On the other hand, I was getting more irrational. Granted, I’m often irrational. 😉 I don’t even fucking know. Believe it or not, I’m trying to show as little crazy as possible and I’m pissed because I can’t even do that! I don’t want every conversation to be “let’s try to talk MM out of irrational thoughts”. That isn’t okay. But I can’t fucking stop. I just need no friends, then I wouldn’t talk to anyone and this wouldn’t be a problem and I wouldn’t feel left out because I wouldn’t put in any effort.

Buffy_trying to be okayso they don't worry

Emotional dysregulation is fun.

The Boss and the Behavior Analyst

I woke up in an okay mood. In other words, I didn’t feel like crying as soon as I woke up.

Buffy_I don't want to die that is something right

Ginny said some curious things last night. She said she appreciates me. She knows I was  only trying to help when I filled out the data and I care immensely. I already told you, but she also said she still wanted to hear my ideas because my ideas are good.  She said she still wants to know about the discrepancies I notice behavior plan implementation because then she can conspicuously watch and “notice”. Moreover, my boss didn’t want to talk to me because I was the hardest working and most dependable behavior assistant.

The best part was she said, once I start my course, she wants me to help fix the interobserver agreement problems! Interobserver agreement is the degree to which two or more observers report the same data on the same event. Plus, she is aware that I am the only one correctly implementing behavior plans. I asked her how she knew and she said she listens without looking. People tend to do the right thing when they know she is watching, which is frustrating because that means they know what they’re supposed to be doing. Another way she knows is because when she asks about behavior plans, I always have the right answer, even more often than my boss!

This is difficult to believe since the new assistant behavior analyst arrived, but she said she asks my opinions on behavioral interventions vastly more often than she asks anyone else. It got through to me. 🙂 She thinks I have value at work and even though she isn’t directly above me in the hierarchy, she is the head behaviorist and I care most about the behavioral piece of my job. Therefore, her opinion matters the most. Of course, my boss is my boss and her opinion matters too, but Ginny knows the most about behavior interventions.

I signed up for the first course I need to become a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (that is Ginny’s job). I’m afraid of going back to school. I think taking that official step increased my depression. I originally started blogging as a coping mechanism in law school. This blog is new (as of July) because I didn’t remember the password to my old blog. Eventually I figured it out, but I already had followers here. So, I just imported the old content from that blog to this one. Anyway, I relapsed into suicidal depression, even worse than now, in law school. I took a medical leave of absence and never went back. It left a back taste in my mouth. I’m afraid the pressure of school will be too much. Ginny bets I could pass the boards now. Lol, too bad they require the courses and official observation hours, even though I bet I meet the hours already. Unfortunately, they only start counting hours after you begin the first course.

I showed another friend my blog. She said I need inpatient treatment and sent me a link to a treatment program.

My mom will be out tonight. That usually leads to behaviors because I can “get away” with it. I can binge/ purge without worrying she’ll get home while I’m purging. Been there. Done that. I can cut without worrying she’ll walk in before I clean up.