One-sided Competition to the Death

Clearly I'm not handling this well_Xander_Buffy

I’m dealing with the minor, insignificant rejection worse than I anticipated. I expected to feel hurt when I saw people’s pictures. Earlier this week, I asked my high school friend if she wanted to see Thor this weekend to distract myself. She did and that was validating. Plus, the movie was great!

However, I’m restricting and purged what I ate with her. I look like I got punched in the face and received 2 black eyes. I keep thinking, “I can’t make them like me or care, but I CAN be better than they are. I can be thinner.”

 
I’m dealing lots of cognitive dissonance. I know this is a small thing to worry about. I know it won’t matter in 6 months or even 2 months. Honestly, I shouldn’t care what anyone who I don’t consider a friend or above me in the workplace hierarchy thinks of me. Despite that knowledge, I feel hurt.

How do you deal with feeling left out, invisible, or disliked?

 

Advertisements

Feeling Invisible

Felicia Day_i think that is why I like video games

A coworker got married tonight and most people from  work were invited. The invitation list included people she never talks to and who she has only known a few months. In contrast, we went on a weekend winery trip together, have known each other for years, and used to work together closely. One day, at lunch, she mentioned struggling to come up with 200 people to invite and even including some coworkers she didn’t like to meet her guest list goal. I was sitting across the table from her when she said this.

Ginny was invited and said it was nice.  I asked how it s out of jealous curiosity.

I’m trying to vent my feelings here so I don’t complain to Ginny. That would be  downer. It would be unfair to bring her mood down because I am like a ghost.

I know I overreact to social stuff a lot because I’m scared everyone sees me the way I see myself… I’m try, but failing, to shut up the refrain in my head… “No one likes you. You’re unlovable, no one would notice if you starved to death. If you were good enough, people would care. If you were thin enough, people would notice. ”

How would YOU feel in this situation? Am I being an idiot?!

Isolation

I complain a lot about not having many friends and not having a significant other, but I sit here avoiding my 2 or 3 friends and ignoring interested people because I don’t deserve caring.

Acting opposite is hard.

I caught myself thinking, “My eating disorder will always be my friend.”

bored now dark willow - Copy.gif

 

Am I Dark Willow or am I Warren? Haha, I’m not sure. However, I am sure “my eating disorder is my friend” is a messed up thought and I’m mad at myself for thinking it. WHY am I prioritizing a deadly mental illness over relationships with other human beings?!

At the same time, I’m not sick enough for help.

How many trials?!

How many trials will it take for me to know asking off work is an awful idea?! My employer’s paid time off policy is that any PTO you don’t use in a calendar year rolls over to an emergency bank. You can only use emergency bank hours for big events like hospitalization or surgery, not simple sick days. The days are not paid out if you leave the company. Therefore, you will likely lose them. When I first arrived, they paid you the unused PTO at the end of the year. That was wonderful! I know it cost them money though.

Anyway, as a result, of this policy, I took a week off. We were supposed to take a trip to see my brother, which would’ve taken my mind off myself. However, that didn’t end up happening. So, I’m just hanging out at home, wondering how my kids at work are fairing, and obsessing over eating disordered thoughts.

Bored Now_Willow_ Buffy

On the bright side, one usual reaction to boredom is self-injury or binging. I haven’t done either; I’m sleeping a lot.

Another Friend Bites the Dust

people have a tendency to go away miss them_Dawn summers_Buffy.gif

Ginny said she is leaving our workplace! Oh NO! This is a disaster!! If she leaves, she can’t supervise me. I need 1,500 hours of supervision. I can only get 30 hours/week. That takes longer than a year based on the school’s schedule.

If she leaves, I have no reason not to apply to a Master’s program that requires an intensive practicum. All of the online Master’s degrees, except one, require that you obtain your supervision hours through a practicum that they supervise. I didn’t want to do any of those because I love my job and Ginny is supervising me. If she is no longer able to supervise me, I have less incentive to stay. I can just do a regular Master’s program and move somewhere to do the practicum. The school I’m currently taking the course at, has a practicum site one state away.

I’m freaking out right now. I want to cut, really badly.

Also, I asked for Thursday and Friday off because I am house sitting. That means I have no one expecting me to eat for a week. I can take those days off and water fast without endangering anyone at work. I told her my plan (I think I told her in an attempt to guilt myself into going to work. My plan was successful because until she told me she might leave, I resigned myself to working next week.) Once she told me she might leave, I panicked and felt abandoned. Abandonment is a huge trigger. After the initial panic and then some logical thoughts about school, my next thought was, “Screw this, I’m NOT working next week. I am going to fast.”

Now, is this an attempt to escape my feelings of anger, abandonment, and fear? Or is it an attempt to communicate those feelings to her? If I hadn’t told her my plan in the first place, I could more confidently say I simply wanted to escape my feelings. Since I already told her, I am not sure. Perhaps it is both. After all, staying home and water fasting will accomplish both goals of escaping my feelings and communicating my anger.

 

Edited to Add: 3 hours later and I still have SIB urges. 😦 I started an application, but I’m still anxious and upset.

My ED is Better than your Diet

lame-convo

A co-worker keeps posting about her diet and exercise. I can lose that much weight! I want praise too!

In the time it took me to edit the picture, she has 8 comments and 27 *likes* INCLUDING Ginny and Iris!!

Buffy_angry willow

 

Quitting my Job

I have thoughts, but I’m so tired. People used to say I was eloquent, now I’m repetitive and boring. buffy just trying to keep from dying

I’m increasingly jealous of Ashley. Friday I overheard co-workers wondering how she handled the new kid because she has been with him everyday since I had surgery. My boss put me with him during his first week. Now everyone talks about how patient and calm she is with him. My boss works with her everyday, all day. She worked with me with another student before he became a 2:1. All of our students are 1:1, one adult staffed with one student. Some students are so violent that they need 2 adults with them all day to keep everyone safe. For 2 months, I worked with a student as a 1:1, while we got approval from the school district for a 2:1. For those 2 months, my boss worked with me every day. She trusted me not to react inappropriately to the kid. Now it is all about Ashley. My boss trusts her more. She is better than me. She got the promotion. She has a masters degree. She is fucking smart.

I worked with another kid for over a year straight. A lot of people couldn’t handle his constant screaming. They used to say they didn’t know how I handled him, just like they say about Ashley now. (Ha, I’m so emotional, I typed her real name, crap) Therefore, my boss and Ginny often asked my opinion on him. Now no one asks me about him. In fact, he is the one I think they’re screwing up.

Fuck this shit. I used to love my job.

I’ve thought a lot about quitting lately. I feel trapped because if I want to be a BCBA, I need thousands of hours of supervision. My job is the most practical way to do that and Ginny is willing to supervise me.

So, I stay. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.

I don’t think I can take Barb’s job, if they ever give her the new position they keep promising. Ashley teaches 3 classes right now and does a stellar job. I can’t do better than she does. So, why try? Fuck her. Fuck this job.

I feel like I was more functional when I self-injured more often. I think I’ve deteriorated since I gave Ginny my blades. Perhaps cutting again is wise, at least until the meds kick in.

I don’t like the new BCBA. I don’t know her, but I don’t like the thought of her. They split the kids up differently. Therefore, I have to ask her things, not Ginny. I’m becoming more and more invisible and fucking useless here. No one would care if I disappeared. Ginny would care if I killed myself because she’d feel guilty. However, no one, including her, would blink if I disappeared.

I’m cursing a lot, not so eloquent. My mom used to say cursing was for people with small vocabularies.

Speaking of my mom, things are becoming more tenuous and combative. I KNOW that is my fault because I am irritable and rude.

Edited to Add: I started off this post thinking of POSITIVE thoughts in my head. I felt too tired to write them out, but then my mind started racing and the negative thoughts poured out. Strange how that works… It takes effort to form coherent, positive thoughts, but negative thoughts flow freely.