Alexithymia Annoyance

Annoyance is the feeling, but I’m not actually feeling it. I just liked alliteration.

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I want to cut right now and I don’t know why. I’m not thinking about anything upsetting. I’m not dissociating. I don’t feel depressed. I can’t identify any negative feelings, other than, “I-want-to-self-injure”. Lame.

I told my boss’ boss on Friday that I was leaving. That made me want to cut. I think I felt sad because I also felt like crying, but maybe it was anxiety. I’m not sure.

dean supernatural facepalm

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Strong enough?

I’m nervous about Ginny leaving because I don’t know if I’ll handle things as well without her. I would never have disclosed to anyone 2 weeks ago, much less asked my boss for help dealing with my student’s identical history.


people-have-a-tendency-to-go-away-miss-them_dawn-summers_buffy

Thursdays are bad news apparently because this Thursday I ended up in tears at work again! This time, one of my new students (a different one) disclosed abuse. I was “normally” upset; I felt sad and worried for him. However, I flipped out when I heard my boss’s boss called his PARENTS instead of calling the child abuse hotline.

I was furious. I abruptly turned to leave the room, but Ginny yelled at me, “Don’t storm away from me!” She knows me well enough to know I was probably about to self-injure. I stopped in my tracks and she took me to the same empty office we talked in last week. It took me some time to explain why I was upset and when she understood, she teared up. I was scared for him! He refused to get on the bus for a long time and I said I wouldn’t have gotten on that bus either! I understood what he felt, to a certain degree, because I tried to disclose my situation once and realized the school counselor would report me based on her probing questions. So, I recanted and never told anyone until last week. DFS wouldn’t get an investigator to his house that night, meaning he was alone. I remember a separate incident where I accidentally said something to a teacher, which my parents thought could get DFS involved. Their reaction was highly emotional and they’re relatively normal people. A few things were thrown at me and more than a few things were broken that night. I was imagining the worst for my student, whose story was much more straightforward. 

Thankfully, he came to school the next day and he impressed me with his control. He eloped a few times and hit, but also talked to us and vented. He had more self-control than I did.

I would have self-injured the day before if I hadn’t talked to Ginny. When I turned to leave the room, I wasn’t thinking rationally anymore, I was going to look for a blade. I would not have stopped on my own, but her yelling bought me time to talk and calm down. My boss promised she will never be a part of that again and Ginny said she is going to try to convince the administration to have everyone undergo mandatory reporter training to ensure it doesn’t happen again. I hope it works! However, I’m worried the next time I encounter something triggering at work, which seems to happen frequently lately, I won’t be able to handle it.

On another note:

I wonder why Bulimia is correlated with childhood sexual abuse more than other eating disorders. I can’t stomach anymore journal articles right now, but I wish I could find out why.

One-sided Competition to the Death

Clearly I'm not handling this well_Xander_Buffy

I’m dealing with the minor, insignificant rejection worse than I anticipated. I expected to feel hurt when I saw people’s pictures. Earlier this week, I asked my high school friend if she wanted to see Thor this weekend to distract myself. She did and that was validating. Plus, the movie was great!

However, I’m restricting and purged what I ate with her. I look like I got punched in the face and received 2 black eyes. I keep thinking, “I can’t make them like me or care, but I CAN be better than they are. I can be thinner.”

 
I’m dealing lots of cognitive dissonance. I know this is a small thing to worry about. I know it won’t matter in 6 months or even 2 months. Honestly, I shouldn’t care what anyone who I don’t consider a friend or above me in the workplace hierarchy thinks of me. Despite that knowledge, I feel hurt.

How do you deal with feeling left out, invisible, or disliked?

 

Feeling Invisible

Felicia Day_i think that is why I like video games

A coworker got married tonight and most people from  work were invited. The invitation list included people she never talks to and who she has only known a few months. In contrast, we went on a weekend winery trip together, have known each other for years, and used to work together closely. One day, at lunch, she mentioned struggling to come up with 200 people to invite and even including some coworkers she didn’t like to meet her guest list goal. I was sitting across the table from her when she said this.

Ginny was invited and said it was nice.  I asked how it s out of jealous curiosity.

I’m trying to vent my feelings here so I don’t complain to Ginny. That would be  downer. It would be unfair to bring her mood down because I am like a ghost.

I know I overreact to social stuff a lot because I’m scared everyone sees me the way I see myself… I’m try, but failing, to shut up the refrain in my head… “No one likes you. You’re unlovable, no one would notice if you starved to death. If you were good enough, people would care. If you were thin enough, people would notice. ”

How would YOU feel in this situation? Am I being an idiot?!

Isolation

I complain a lot about not having many friends and not having a significant other, but I sit here avoiding my 2 or 3 friends and ignoring interested people because I don’t deserve caring.

Acting opposite is hard.

I caught myself thinking, “My eating disorder will always be my friend.”

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Am I Dark Willow or am I Warren? Haha, I’m not sure. However, I am sure “my eating disorder is my friend” is a messed up thought and I’m mad at myself for thinking it. WHY am I prioritizing a deadly mental illness over relationships with other human beings?!

At the same time, I’m not sick enough for help.

How many trials?!

How many trials will it take for me to know asking off work is an awful idea?! My employer’s paid time off policy is that any PTO you don’t use in a calendar year rolls over to an emergency bank. You can only use emergency bank hours for big events like hospitalization or surgery, not simple sick days. The days are not paid out if you leave the company. Therefore, you will likely lose them. When I first arrived, they paid you the unused PTO at the end of the year. That was wonderful! I know it cost them money though.

Anyway, as a result, of this policy, I took a week off. We were supposed to take a trip to see my brother, which would’ve taken my mind off myself. However, that didn’t end up happening. So, I’m just hanging out at home, wondering how my kids at work are fairing, and obsessing over eating disordered thoughts.

Bored Now_Willow_ Buffy

On the bright side, one usual reaction to boredom is self-injury or binging. I haven’t done either; I’m sleeping a lot.

Another Friend Bites the Dust

people have a tendency to go away miss them_Dawn summers_Buffy.gif

Ginny said she is leaving our workplace! Oh NO! This is a disaster!! If she leaves, she can’t supervise me. I need 1,500 hours of supervision. I can only get 30 hours/week. That takes longer than a year based on the school’s schedule.

If she leaves, I have no reason not to apply to a Master’s program that requires an intensive practicum. All of the online Master’s degrees, except one, require that you obtain your supervision hours through a practicum that they supervise. I didn’t want to do any of those because I love my job and Ginny is supervising me. If she is no longer able to supervise me, I have less incentive to stay. I can just do a regular Master’s program and move somewhere to do the practicum. The school I’m currently taking the course at, has a practicum site one state away.

I’m freaking out right now. I want to cut, really badly.

Also, I asked for Thursday and Friday off because I am house sitting. That means I have no one expecting me to eat for a week. I can take those days off and water fast without endangering anyone at work. I told her my plan (I think I told her in an attempt to guilt myself into going to work. My plan was successful because until she told me she might leave, I resigned myself to working next week.) Once she told me she might leave, I panicked and felt abandoned. Abandonment is a huge trigger. After the initial panic and then some logical thoughts about school, my next thought was, “Screw this, I’m NOT working next week. I am going to fast.”

Now, is this an attempt to escape my feelings of anger, abandonment, and fear? Or is it an attempt to communicate those feelings to her? If I hadn’t told her my plan in the first place, I could more confidently say I simply wanted to escape my feelings. Since I already told her, I am not sure. Perhaps it is both. After all, staying home and water fasting will accomplish both goals of escaping my feelings and communicating my anger.

 

Edited to Add: 3 hours later and I still have SIB urges. 😦 I started an application, but I’m still anxious and upset.