Already Failing Class


I can’t log in to my online class!! I reset the password and I STILL can’t login!! It starts tomorrow. I haz all the urges


Maybe the universe is telling me I am too weak to handle school. Perhaps I should withdraw and give up on grad school. FML.


Kids Say the Darndest Things

Something funny happened at work. Cory, a co-worker, and I worked on a 1,000 piece puzzle during his breaks. We think we might be missing a piece. I tried many pieces that appeared to fit, but did not.

MM: “This is so frustrating!”

Cory: “Do you need a coping skill?”

MM: *pauses* “I think I’m okay. I’ll just take some deep breaths.” *takes deep breaths* “That is better!”

I only had 1 self-injury urge. My boss asked more about Music. She asked to talk to my co-worker and I. It was GREAT to get validation in front of my boss and the behaviorists, but awkward because I didn’t tell my co-worker that I’d mentioned she agreed with my assessment of Music.

shifty eyes unsure jayne firefly

I don’t think she is mad at me, but I doubt she’ll vent to me again, which is unfortunate because she often agrees with me. I wanted to self-injure because I’m worried she is mad at me. She seemed fine though. We shall see.

Today we have Music again. I’m supposed to “go to the bathroom” and grab Ginny. ūüėÄ That way Ron won’t bite people without consequence and there will be no STD conversations.

How to NOT feel left out

If you have the answer, TELL ME! Oh my fucking God. I always feel left out. Ginny talks to someone else in the morning? My boss walks into an all staff meeting laughing with other co-workers? I’m pathetic. I’ve been part of a pro-ana Facebook group for 4 years and for the past 2 years I only post occasionally. Today I looked at the group and saw people made a new Facebook chat group for a weight loss competition and I immediately felt left out even though I hadn’t posted in the group for 3 weeks.

Firefly_Saffron eye roll


Apparently I have Low Standards

I finished Kushiel’s Legacy and I still¬† want Melisande! In other words I want a rich sociopath. Jacqueline Carey thinks¬†Melisande is a sociopath, but I don’t know if that is true. She understands masochistic submissives extremely well. She clearly loves Phedre.¬†Melisande doesn’t kill her when most people in¬†Melisande’s situation would murder her to get rid of the threat. Melisande has multiple opportunities to kill Phedre, but she can’t. She jails Phedre in La Dolorosa, where conditions are deplorable. However, she gets worried and¬†caring when Phedre accidentally hurts herself. She is also warm during aftercare. Then again, that might be because Melisande knows Phedre will think she cares if she acts compassionate and concerned during aftercare. However, I like Melisande, so I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt!

All I really want is¬†a sadist I can spend my life serving. Apparently I’m turned on by levels of violence sociopaths display. However, I wouldn’t really want to be with a sociopath. For example I would not relish capture by Darken Rahl, Drefan Rahl, or many of the criminals on Criminal Minds. What is the difference between the scenes my serial killer friend described and the others? Simple, he seemed to not want to kill me, cared whether I lived or died, and cared about my well-being.¬†Granted, I learned later his concern was feigned.

Nonetheless, assuming the person’s concern is real (*cough* Melisande *cough*), I don’t think I need romantic love…not the type poems and¬†songs¬†are made of. I’ve never felt romantic love; perhaps I’m dismissing it too easily. But come on! Melisande is perfect!¬†She is extremely¬†intelligent,¬†cunning, rich, enjoys luxury and torture. She has ambition. I don’t need plots to destroy sitting rulers, but ambition is a nice thing. Ha, the money is more important. In sum, if they have money, they’re an intelligent sadist,¬†they won’t kill me, or cast me out once I become useless (I.e., Having been the best person ever for 50 years, I get Alzheimer’s disease…despite my current uselessness, they take care of me because they feel a sense of responsibility), I’d be happy. I suppose you could call that selfless (since I can no longer give anything in return) caring…love. I guess you could also call aftercare a type of love,¬†but it isn’t the same type of bond¬†as I imagine romantic love.¬†I want a bond, but I don’t feel like I need romantic love.

There are a couple of IRL caveats like I want to stay in contact with family, have a say in child-rearing, etc…but I don’t know…compared to other people’s pining, I think I have low standards.

…And…I don’t know how to feel about that.

Firefly_Mal is speechless

*edit* No wait, there are some things I would not be okay with:

  1. scat
  2. age roleplaying
  3. disability (Including smaller things, not just cutting off toes makes walking impossible or difficult, but things like if you only wear high heels for a long period of time, your Achilles tendons will shrink, causing possibly irreversible issues or people who wear butt plugs all the time and only use enemas to relieve themselves can lose the ability to control their bodily functions)
  4. excessive disfigurement (concealable scars, tattoos and brands are ok)
  5. actual animals
  6. actual children
  7. death
  8. body modifying surgery
  9. incest roleplaying
  10. encasement.
  11. Public play in vanilla places

I’ve never had anyone suggest disability, death, or children (the latter shouldn’t even count as a fetish, it is called assault!), but I’ve heard second hand about disability and death. It boils down to a.) actions that take away the rights of 3rd parties (children, animals, random vanilla people who don’t want to see bedroom behavior in the street), b.) things that are difficult, dangerous, or impossible to reverse or hide (disability, excessive disfigurement, death, body modifying surgery, encasement), c.) behavior that is especially unsanitary/ likely to make someone seriously ill (Scat – Hello, dangerous strain of E. Coli) or d.) things that bother me on a personal level (age and incest roleplaying). Some of these things I might be convinced to try under extreme duress, but I would prefer death to other things (abusing someone/thing else).

Yay! I have more standards than I realized!

Felicia Day_happy dance1

But I still want Melisande…


Art Therapy

I tried looking for my Affirmation Book (at the end of inpatient, everyone got a small journal where patients and staff wrote well wishes and encouragement) last night, instead I found a stash of art therapy pieces. In some ways, not much changed over the past 6 years. I still suck at art and I still feel the same way about myself.

This the battle for recovery symbolized by two stick figures playing tug-of-war. And look! I’m winning!

art therapy

This is the cyclone of emotions and thoughts that I used my eating disorder to silence.

MM art ed11MM art ed8MM art ed9MM art ed7

This represents my identity; without my eating disorder I am no one/nothing/nobody.

MM art ed10

This is the program for an impromptu talent show we put on. Surprisingly, they let a few of the girls do a short gymnastics routine and they did not supplement them for the lost calories. Usually, they were very strict about movement. If you were redirected more than twice about frequently shaking your leg, sitting up too straight, etc., they gave you 60 CCs Ensure.

MM art ed1

For the 4th of July we had an extra Nutrition Group, yay! The topic was managing recovery around the holidays. I also wrote some notes from my dietician. According to her, I disliked eating because it meant being around family. Oh, treatment teams and their propensity to blame others, especially family, for mental health problems!

Firefly_Saffron eye roll


Since we weren’t allowed books, magazines, TV, radio, etc., the only things we were allowed to do when not in groups was make up silly things like the following words set to The Twelve Days of Christmas, color on Disney coloring pages the nurses printed for us, and make friendship bracelets.

MM art ed6 MM art ed4 MM art ed3

All the help I got for discharge meal planning! Haha, it didn’t matter because I went straight to PHP, but they didn’t know what my discharge plans were until the day before I left because some people thought I should stay longer.

MM art ed2

Um…I’m not sure what this is! I think it represents the confusion and chaos created by emotions.


Lol, I have no idea what the shriveled, psychedelic Eye of Sauron, afflicted with pink eye, floating on its side means!


This looks like pure boredom, not an assignment.¬†I see a green balloon¬†that says “Happy Birthday” (I spent my 18th birthday in treatment). I also see an unhappy purple ghost (A Monster? That one purple gaseous Pok√©mon? Something else?)


Who the hell is Stella?!?! In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not much of an artist! :p I doubt I drew this.



Odd Epiphany of the Day

Perhaps I like the idea of 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange) because complete obedience reminds me of a pet and people tend to love their pets unconditionally. (Though, I don’t like puppy or¬†pony play it¬†is too weird for me. Ha, don’t worry, I know I have no room to talk about weird practices!)

Anyway, while watching Denna with almost-broken Richard, a strange thought occurred to me. She is kind, affectionate, caring, and sympathetic once he obeys. Of course, she calls him pet, but her actions also remind me of how people treat their pets. No one hates their pets. People love their pets because they never judge or talk back.

Does that mean I think in order for someone to love me I have to always obey them?

…Actually, that may very well be the origin of my extreme people-pleasing which extends beyond kink and into my everyday life. Or maybe I’m over-thinking everything and I should just enjoy what I enjoy and let it be…

Geez, the more I explore my thought processes behind my kinks, the more disturbing thoughts I uncover.

What do you think about this possible reason behind TPE? Do you think others are similarly motivated? Do you think this idea couldn’t possibly be anyone’s motivation for TPE?


I was wrong; it isn't the end of the world


Wow, surprisingly, I don’t feel bad about it! I feel okay! I don’t think I aced it, but I don’t think I failed either. The annoying thing is I won’t know until January and I have no way of objectively knowing because it all depends in the curve. I’m a little nervous because I felt okay about our practice midterm and I scored below average. Plus, I missed a lot of class, not enough to get kicked out, but enough that he can lower our grade “at his discretion” as much as 1/3. Therefore, I could pass the exam, but still fail the class. The policy does not discriminate between excused and unexcused absences. My psychiatrist called him a savage for not excusing my absences that were directly from Depression. For now I feel¬†happy though because¬†I thought I would feel awful after the exam!