That was a spectacular failure. Ginny wouldn’t let me out of my promise. Damn my personal code of ethics. I can lie all day long, to everyone around me about my eating disorder symptoms, but there are certain lines I won’t cross.
I find it harder to lie when presented with a direct question such as, “Did you eat lunch today?”, as opposed to “What did you have for lunch?”
I made a concrete promise and I can’t go back on my promise because that would be wrong. Plus, if I do, she will feel responsible for my death. She will always second guess her decision not to just drive me to the ER that day. If I call her and she can’t talk me out of it, she will also feel guilty. As a result, I am stuck. I wish I’d never told her or given her the pills because now she is involved. I wish I’d never told her about my eating disorder. I don’t even think she likes me. I think she feels sorry for me, yet I feel a bond with her. If I’d never told her about my eating disorder, we’d never talk about serious things. I wouldn’t feel tethered to anyone at work.
How can I feel lonely, left out and friendless, but at the same time, wish I had no friends?
I guess I feel like I have friends, but I have no friends who care about me as much as I care about them. I have no close friends, no one who would drop everything for me in an emergency or miss me everyday if I disappeared. No one initiates social contact with ME. I might be an afterthought in a group, but I am not specifically wanted. I think none of the my friendships are reciprocal and close knit. I wish I either had zero friends or close friends.
What I should do is invite the people I care about to do things with me. I do that sometimes, but not on a regular basis, or I’ll make vague plans (Ex. let’s go to the comedy club this month), but not follow through…But then I feel as though, if anyone liked me, they’d invite ME to do things as well! Of course, people have invited me to do things after work and I always said no. BUT AGAIN, I was an afterthought. At the same time, how can I be anything but an afterthought if I know no one?
I looked into meetup.com again, but the thought of showing up to a meeting with a bunch of strangers, even strangers who enjoy the same things, terrifies me. On the other hand, if I didn’t go meet them, I’d never know them anyway. Therefore, their judgment is immaterial.
*sigh* I actually dressed and showered today!
I haven’t been to school since last Thursday. As a result of MLK Jr. day and my schedule that means I only really skipped 2 days, but still… I’ve spent the last 2 days in bed. I got up after 5 pm today and maybe 4:30 pm yesterday. I have homework due at midnight. I’m obviously behind in reading. I’m miserable again I hate this! I’m doing it hoping next semester will be better, hoping I’ll like the job I eventually get, and hoping the student loans will be worth it. I’m more and more convinced I should quit. Why am I doing this to myself?
At the same time, everyone says the first year sucks and it gets better. Plus, I haven’t taken my meds in a few days. We aren’t even 2 full weeks into the semester. I can still turn things around, easily! Right now I’m telling myself I won’t make a decision until I’ve been back on my meds for a few weeks and I’m caught up in school. Otherwise, I fear I’m making a rash choice out of feeling, not reason.
I had an awful nightmare. I haven’t had nightmares in a while. I was supposed to meet with a new lab for the first day of psychology grad school in L.A. Apparently, I went to UCLA in my dream? I got lost and freaked out, then I made a wrong turn onto a broken bridge. However, I didn’t realize it was broken until it was too late to decelerate. I flew through the air, a good 200 feet above the ground. I was certain I’d die, but then 20 feet from death, I stopped. My car got lodged on a beam above the ground. I sat there, paralyzed in fear, afraid any movement would destabilize me. Paramedics got there in what seemed like over a half hour and they freed me. We rushed into the hospital and they quickly took stock of my injuries. Once I was out of danger, they wheeled me to a locked psychiatric unit, even though I swore up and down that I was really just lost, that was not a suicide attempt. They said it was an eating disorder unit because my electrolytes clearly indicated I was engaging in dangerous ED behaviors. It sucked, it was worse than any psych ward I’ve experienced or even seen (I.e. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Girl, interrupted). Everyone hated me…
Every time someone in the Sword of Truth mentions Kahlan’s green eyes, I feel a swell of pride and confidence. It makes me feel pretty!
“The intelligence, the nobility, the life in those green eyes was riveting. This was a woman the equal of Richard” Nicci (aka my mind twin!) spellbound by Kahlan’s green eyes in Confessor, by Terry Goodkind.
I know that is silly, but I think it is because I usually find blue eyes the prettiest. Plus, authors often focus on the beauty of blue eyes. It seems most characters have blue or brown eyes. Therefore, Terry Goodkind focusing on the image of her green eyes makes me feel good. In fact, my iris color is one of the only aspects I like about myself physically.
Bridget Regan’s Fricking Gorgeous BLUE eyes:
My Green eyes:
While searching for a good book quote about Kahlan’s eyes I came across an interview with Bridget Regan. I’m falling in love. 😉 which reminds me, there used to be a fandom trend called Gay for Kahlan. The author hasn’t posted on that website in a while, but she is still active on Twitter and Tumblr!
What originally attracted you to the show?
“Well, it was the role. The character of Kahlan was not like any part I had ever auditioned for or played. So, I was immediately drawn to it. I thought that she was really tough and kind of timeless, epic and theatrical which I really was drawn to. I went to a drama school and I grew up doing theater, so I quite liked that the show was kind of heightened and it wasn’t the sort of low energy, common chit-chat show, it was big and epic and exciting and high stakes and all that which I loved.”
This is why I love epic fantasies like Legend of the Seeker/ The Sword of Truth, Lord of the Rings, and The Wheel of Time; the scale is grand and everything is high stakes!
Are you a fan of fantasy?
“I wasn’t at all, actually. (laughs) It was pretty embarrassing when I moved to New Zealand, because the fact that I hadn’t seen Lord Of The Rings, I thought that they were going to turn me around and not let me into the country. But, once I got into [it], I really enjoyed it. The fans are really passionate, and have really strong opinions about things, which I like. You know, we had a fan base before we even started filming the show, which was so cool and bizarre. People had thoughts and feelings about what color my hair should be and my eyes and that was totally new to me.”
Yes, yes we are all a bit cult-ish and kind of amazing, aren’t we? :p In case you can’t tell, I love my geekiness.
Have you read the books or met the author?
“I have not met Terry Goodkind. You know, my parents have because they went to Comic Con in San Diego. That’s where I grew up. I’ve read some of the books. I haven’t gotten through all of them, but I’ve been skipping around. The series isn’t really following the books perfectly, and so you know, I find them really helpful. But sometimes I find it frustrating, because I’ll read something and I’ll be like ugh I really wish we would do this in the show. Or there’s an episode coming up — the one I’m going back to film right after I leave the states — is totally an escape from the book and nothing like that’s happened in it, and I’m so excited to do it because Kahlan gets split into two different bodies…almost like a yin and a yang sort of thing. One of her is the confessor in her, you know, [is] magical, has the powers and everything. And the other is just a woman. And without having both of them in check, things kind of go crazy and it’s such a cool episode for me, and I’m so excited to do it, but it’s not in the book, so you know I’m kind of thankful that we do stray because we get so many cool other opportunities.”
Haha, her parents went to Comic Con! How awesome is that? Plus, I’m jealous of them; I want to meet him!! I love that she read the books. I agree there are some things from the books I wish happened in the TV show (and vice versa!). For example, Cara’s trial from the TV show was neat. Also, the episode she talks about is amazing! (Torn, Season 2, Episode 11)
You were saying before how Kahlan is such a tough character. What does it mean to do you to play her? Do you think it sends a powerful message to women?
“I actually do. This season even more than last, because this season, we introduce a lot of other characters as well. It’s not just me, there are a lot of really kick-butt chicks. The light, the dark and all the mord-siths and everything. But I have a hard time playing the weak ingenue. I wouldn’t get cast as that when I first moved to the city. And I don’t even know, maybe it was because I’m pretty tall and I’m not a tiny little thing. And I thought maybe that had something to do with it. I love it when Kahlan gets to be really strong. I had a dream actually — it’s funny — I haven’t told this to anybody. I had this dream where we were doing a scene and it was a massive, big, war/fight scene. And we were fighting — Kahlan and Richard were fighting all these mord-siths, and we had these resistance fighters who were these scrappy guys. And I was all upset because they cast all these big massive guys to be the D’Harans and all these kind of small, hungry looking guys who were all weak and disheveled to be the resistance guys. None of this really happened in real life, but I dreamt it. So we’re fighting all the mord-siths, and the choreography was that we were supposed to lose. And I was supposed to get beaten, and we were supposed to get captured. And I changed the choreography, confessing all these mord-siths, making them fight with us so that we would win. (laughs) So I was refusing to lose.”
Hmm, this explains why I like Bridget Regan’s portrayal of Kahlan better than Kahlan in the books. That said, I’m re-reading the books and I think I need to give her more credit. As I re-read the books, I realize she is strong. I may be biased because I saw Legend of the Seeker before reading the books, but Bridget Regan is exactly how I imagine Kahlan. I used to think Bridget’s version was tougher, but now I think she exemplifies Goodkind’s Kahlan perfectly. She brings a spark to the character. I think it is her acting ability and the power of visual media, not a difference in the character’s strength. In other words, bringing the character to life onscreen made her strength more clear; it was not a change in portrayal. Terry Goodkind’s Kahlan is just as strong.
Well, maybe we will see it in a future episode!
“I know! I actually told one of our directors, and he laughed at me. Because in the dream I was looking over to him being like “look see, I got her, she’s on our side now!” Because once I confess someone, then they immediately change, and they’ll do anything to defend my life. So I was totally cheating.”
Ahahahahahahahaha. For someone who isn’t into fantasy, I love how she got so into the character, even dreaming about the plot. 🙂
Is there anything specific you do to get into character or does it just sort of happen when you put on the costume and makeup?
“It’s amazing. I’ve never played a character this long before. But when I put on the dress and the corset, I immediately feel different. It’s not like throwing on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. Everything about the costumes are really authentic. There’s no zippers, or buttons or hooks or anything. So to get in that dress it takes twenty minutes of just lacing. And it’s kind of like a ritual in the morning. And that helps. I often go back and read Wizard’s First Rule. I have it in my trailer, my old beat up copy. I have little parts marked. And I really love the sections when it’s in — because the book changes narrative — sometimes it’s in Richard’s head, sometimes it’s in Kahlan’s. I love it when it goes into hers, because it’s like a little cheat sheet, you get to get some ideas. So those sort of things. I listen to a lot of music as well. I have a lot of playlists on my iPod that I bring on set to get me in the mood.”
Yes, her costumes are wonderful! They are intricate and great! Her white Mother Confessor’s dress was the first cosplay I considered! It is cool how simply taking the time to get into costume helps put her in character. It kind of reminds me of wearing a collar. Of course, collars can be practical as a restraint, but mostly I enjoy them because they set the mood. They remind me of my place; they’re like big strong arms, enveloping me in a secure, comforting hug. …around my neck :p I love how she took cues from the book sections in Kahlan’s point of view.
What’s your favorite song that you listen to?
“Oh my God. I really want to do an iTunes playlist! I talked to some people about that. You know it’s actually kind of dark, sad music. It’s a lot of Radiohead, and some White Stripes, too. I like the kind of aggressive, kick ass…sometimes you need that empowering sort of stuff. You know, Kahlan went through a lot of stuff last season…really, really heavy things. And so it was a lot of sad music.”
Oh my God!!! She listens to Radiohead!!!!! 😀 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
Well, that makes sense. And what has been your favorite part of filming so far?
“I think — I have to say, it’s really simple. But I love acting every day. It’s so simple, but that’s always what I dreamed of doing, was being an actor, since I was a little kid. And the fact that I get to wake up every morning, and do that, when I have so many friends that are really talented and are living here in New York and in LA and they can’t seem to get that break where they get to do it, so I mean that’s a joy. And playing a part that I love as much as I do is pretty cool — pretty awesome.”
I don’t know her friends, but maybe she got her break because she is better, in other words, freaking epic!
And you were talking about last season being pretty serious. But have there been any funny moments on set?
“Oh my God, there’s lots. I actually was talking about this with Craig just a little while ago. We always want to cut up and play jokes and things like that, but we’re so pressed for time. Because we’re trying to do feature film quality special effects, on a really fast television turnaround schedule. So constantly I want to make him break and do something silly, but we feel like we have to reign it in. But a lot of the girls in wardrobe love to play pranks on Bruce Spence, and I sometimes try to get in on them. But one day, they were all waiting in Bruce’s trailer, wearing pajamas, watching “Dirty Dancing” and eating popcorn. (laughs) And he walked in and thought he was in the wrong room.”
Haha, this is hilarious! They sound like a fun, tight-knit group. I wish LotS could have reigned for years. 😦 I MISS IT!! I have an idea though, if someone amazing network decided to bring it back, they could open with an episode like Home (Season 1, Episode 12) where Richard is tangled in a spell cast by Darken Rhal and he reveals parts of their journey so far, almost including a big secret: The location of the last Box of Orden. Clearly, I would want them to employ Bridget Regan Craig Horner, Tabrett Bethell, and Bruce Spence!
Do all of the cast hang out during your downtime?
“We do. It’s actually such a small town, even if I’m not planning to see Craig [Horner], I run into him all the time. Because we live really, really close to each other. But we do hang out. We get brunches here and there. Bruce and I go to see plays when they come into town. We went and saw this Italian play together with our significant others. We hang out, we do. We have a great time together. It’s like we work really hard, and the crew is really terrific. And honestly all of my friends down at that end of the world are friends from work. The girl that was my dresser, she finally took her maternity leave, and she’s having her baby I think right now. I just got an e-mail that she was in contractions. They’re all my dearest friends down there, all people from work, and they’re gorgeous people who have a real down-to-earth outdoorsy sort of feel to them. They all like to rough it, because we do, we schlep up these mountains to work and they all are really good sports.”
Adorable! I wonder if she is still in contact with any of the cast or crew. I hope so! It would be sad to make such connections and then lose them because the show got cancelled. I suppose that would be no different than going away to college and inevitably losing closeness to high school friends, but it is still sad. I love that they’re really outdoorsy people! I think it is interesting that a lot of geeky people love camping and hiking. *raises hand* I don’t know why, but I noticed a trend. Perhaps it is because our epic fantasies are set in such gorgeous surroundings that we’re pulled from our gaming systems and out into the real world.
You were saying how there has been fan reaction to the show since before it started shooting. What has been the fan reaction to your character and the show? How was your reception at Comic Con?
“Oh, I didn’t go to Comic Con. I did Armageddon, in Auckland, which is kind of like their version of Comic Con. But every time I come home, there’s just all this beautiful letters from fans and things like that. The best compliment that I get is when people say to me ‘You’re how I envisioned Kahlan,’ or ‘How you played her is just how like how I pictured her,’ things like that is just like wow. That’s amazing to me, because for one person to read something and another person, and then my interpretation — for me to bring it to life, that’s really bizarre and has kind of a cosmic-y, spooky kind of feel, because in your mind — when you read something, you get your own picture. And for someone to write to me and go ‘now when I read the books I picture you,’ it’s like wow, that’s so cool.”
😀 That is what I said!!
And can you give a little teaser, without spoiling too much of what’s coming up in season two?
“Hmm…well honestly I don’t really know too much further than a few episodes ahead of us. Because Ken Biller, he keeps a lot of it under wraps, he won’t let us know all the time. I think he changes it often, because I think he’s just got so many ideas. We do have a lot — we’ve had so many good guests from the states, like we have Charisma Carpenter in the first episode, and then we have Jolene Blaylock coming up from “Star Trek,” Amy Teegarden from “Friday Night Lights,” Gabriel Mann from “Mad Men.” I mean, some really great talent has come down to have a little play with us. But, it’s going crazy. I will tell you that on Tuesday, when I go back to work, I have a love scene, a sex scene, and I’m nervous…another one! This season’s been really racy, I can’t believe it, it’s really sexy and cool. I think it’s also Tabrett — because Tabrett’s new, she has some really hot, steamy scenes.”
Season 1 was great, season 2 was amazingly wonderful and spectacular! Cordelia Chase was a bonus! Lol, there were hot steamy scenes in abundance!
And I’m sure it’s too early to know, but has there been any word on a possible season three?
“Everybody talks about it. It’s so funny, the second you finally hear you’re doing two, it’s like is there going to be three? I don’t know. The show has been sold in something like 130 some countries, so we’re doing pretty well in terms of interest all around the world, which I can imagine is quite a good sign of the studio wanting to continue. I don’t know, I think it’s just a matter of people tuning in. I know that it is hard for us, because I think a lot of our air times are up against a lot of sports and things like that. And I know a lot of people watch our show on Hulu and iTunes, and things like that, which don’t really count for our ratings on TV. I mean, I don’t really understand all this stuff that much but I do know there’s a lot of factors that go into it, other than us just having a good time. But I kind of hope we go to a third. I’m really enjoying my life down there, but you know it’s one of those things where sometimes it seems like it’s going by really slow, and then you go Oh my God, we’re halfway through the season, where’d this year go? Then it goes by really fast.”
😦 COME BACK TO ME! Alas, all I can realistically hold my breath for is Terry Goodkind’s newest Richard and Kahlan book.
I know you were saying you weren’t really a fan: of fantasy before you started this project. So what would you tell viewers who might not watch a lot of fantasy — why should they tune into this show?
“Well what drew me to it was, I guess you could say, the romance: the relationship of Richard and Kahlan. I mean, to me it’s like Romeo and Juliet. It’s the sort of forbidden love thing. And I really think that’s part of the show, more than sort of magic and wizards and things like that. Maybe to some people it could be distracting, but I really find it to be kind of like, just an escapism sort of thing, where you get to go home, and forget about your day, and just kind of go into this other world — literally. It’s not reality.”
Aw, yes, Kahlan and Richard (and Cara ;P) forever! I love the dynamic between Richard and Kahlan. She is a strong, knowledgeable, opinionated woman, but she is clearly submissive to Richard. The problem is in real life, I need someone I could trust! I don’t have the Seeker of Truth!!! I think Fantasy is the best escapism genre. It is like taking a vacation without leaving home. I like magic; I’ve always had a fascination with the occult. In 8th grade I printed out over 300 pages of spells from the internet and created my own Book of Shadows, it “mysteriously” disappeared one day. However, often authors use it as a catalyst for heroism.
What other projects do you have coming up?
“I did a film in between the two seasons called The Best and The Brightest, and it’s with Neil Patrick Harris, and Amy Sedaris and Christopher McDonald, and Bonnie Somerville. It’s a really fun, great movie. I’m actually going to do ADR for it this afternoon, and I haven’t seen it yet so I’m really excited. That will be coming out sometime in 2010.”
After catching Legend of the Seeker, post-syndication sadly (not that my one view would make a cancellation difference), on Netflix, I looked for other things Bridget Regan was in. I saw The Best and The Brightest. It is hilarious! She is currently in White collar on USA. I’m going to check it out (after exams!) purely because she is in it.
What’s it like filming in New Zealand?
“Every scene that we do that’s outside, it’s all on location all over Auckland, and we’ve gone to the South Island a few times to shoot there as well. It’s really remarkable. It can be energizing as well, you know on a Wednesday in the middle of the week when you’re really tired. And I go to work in the dark usually, around four thirty. And then I come out of the makeup bus, with all the makeup on and everything, and there’s the most insane sunrise you’ve ever seen. And it’s pretty beautiful. I notice the air being so different, as soon I got off the plane in Los Angeles. I take one breath in, and I’m like wow, that did not smell nearly as fresh as it does down at that end of the world. But it’s remarkably beautiful.”
O.O The air smells fresh! 🙂 It sounds divine. The scenery is spectacular, just like in Lord of the Rings. New Zealand is one of the top 3 countries I want to visit before I die.
I did not intend to quote the entire interview! Well, technically, I did not quote the whole thing. I left out one or two questions.
~ ~ ~
Even though I have 0 views today and so I should probably post twice, I’m off to study. I hope, for the whole day. Thanks to my abysmal procrastination, to review all my lecture recordings, I’ll have to study at least 12 hours per day until Tuesday! Somehow I doubt that will occur. There is still hope. It is only 11:30 am. Twelve hours only puts me at 11:30 pm. However, it is the weekend; as a result, my mom will expect me to eat lunch and dinner. Boo weekends! BOO food! I know I need glucose and protein to adequately study, but it just takes time. I still have some Ensure, but somehow I doubt my mom will accept it as a meal replacement. Plus, by the time I publish this it will be well past 11:30 am because I have to go search for a proper picture.
Despite this stress, I am in a good mood so far. I’m not sure why. I took the medication I’ve been skipping for weeks last night. Also, I took all my meds this morning. I accidentally forgot them the other day. Furthermore, I got 8 hours of sleep, as opposed to my usual insomniac 5 hours. Also, I showered, yay Activities of Daily Living! When I’m anxious or my depression is bad or I’m just busy, they suffer. All these things could contribute. Or who knows, maybe I’m happy because I know no matter the outcome, the first (maybe only) semester of 1L hell will be over!
That reminds me, I had a dream I worked at Wal-Mart again. Geez, you know things are bad when you fondly dream of working at an entry-level job at Wal-Mart!
I wonder if it says something about me that my 3 favorite fantasy book series are on a list of 11 “preposterously manly fantasies”?
“What makes a book series manly? Is it the action? The violence? The lack of female characters? Is it male wish-fulfillment? Misogyny? Or a combination of all these things?
I don’t know the answer for sure, but I do know that these 11 fantasy series are all in their own unique way, very, very manly. This is not necessarily a good thing… but neither is it necessarily bad. Just grab your axe and your favorite loin cloth while we journey to the manliest realms fantasy fiction has to offer.”
Since most of my fantasy writing is similar, does that mean I write in a manly fashion? Or does it mean I give men more power or time than women? I don’t know what writing in a manly way really means. I don’t believe I give men more power or story time than women. Even though, I enjoy submission in my personal life, I do not admire or like weak women. Submission does not equal powerless or weak. Furthermore, while some of my conceptions about gender roles may be considered archaic, I do not believe it is a woman’s place to submit to her husband. It is my place to submit to my partner. I do not believe a woman is obligated to submit either because of her nature or because any deity said she must. I think anyone, male or female, should have the right to submit to their partner.
Besides, unless I’m purposefully writing erotica, I don’t think any of that enters my writing. What else could it mean?
3rd on its list, the article says, “…wizard makes Richard Cypher a Seeker of Truth, he gets a Sword of Truth, he fights the evil tyrant Darken Rahl, who [spoiler] ends up being Richard’s dad. And then he fights some other folk. Along the way he falls in love with Kahlen, who isn’t awful or evil, but does end up a damsel in distress approximately 18 bazillion times over the course of the series. It’s traditionally manly!” about the Sword of Truth.
True… I decided I like Bridget Regan’s portrayal of Kahlan better than the book’s portrayal. In the books, she gets upset too often. Granted, I’ve never been in love and I’ve never faced the adversities she faced, but compared to every other book character (who faced similar events!) she seems emotionally weak. She is strong in some ways, she is the ruler of multiple nations and when she puts her mind to something, she is unrelenting. In LotS she seems more well-rounded.
Talking about the Wheel of Time, “The women have just as much power and political agency as the men – perhaps moreso, since women rule most of the main kingdoms, cultures and magical societies in the series. Unfortunately, this means while the women are constantly screwing around with politics, the men are the ones generally busy saving the world. This would be less grievous if the women in The Wheel of Time weren’t generally only bearable when they’re sleeping with the male characters. The rest of the time they’re scheming on a macro level or tormenting men with insults and general bitchiness on the micro, so that the male characters spend most of their time thinking about how awful women are, if not being outright befuddled by their insanity. Oh, and the main character, Rand Al’Thor, gets to have sex with three separate women, all of whom are just totally okay with sharing him. Aggravatingly manly!”
Hahaha, I never noticed anyone being unbearable. I did not see scheming as unbearable; I saw it as intelligent. Also, in part, politics drives countries’ decisions. Therefore, the women are orchestrating how the men must act. For example, if all the Wise Ones decided to stay in the Waste, Rand would never have a chance to command the clans.
Speaking about Lord of the Rings it says, “You could drop all the female characters from the books and lose probably less than 50 pages. In fact, there are only three female characters of note: 1) Arwen, who is Aragorn’s mostly off-page love interest, 2) Galadriel, who is the mightiest of all the Elves (according to Tolkien) but who really doesn’t do anything other than giving each member of the Fellowship a pep talk and lembas bread, and 3) Eowyn, who actually does kick some Nazgul ass, although she has to disguise herself as a man to get the opportunity. There’s a reason Peter Jackson increased the roles of all three female characters in the movies. And that reason? An overabundance of manliness!”
*nods* I have no rebuttal here. Eowyn is the best of the three!
- Legend of the seeker season 3 (24hous.wordpress.com)
- How to Make a Fantasy World Map (tor.com)
- Friday Five: YA Fantasy/Science Fiction series that changed my world (alliebbooks.wordpress.com)