Self-Loathing Masochist

Ever since hearing about my brother’s marital issues, I’ve fixated on my masochism. With the popularity of “50 Shades of Grey” and the semi-mainstreaming of BDSM, I’m probably one of a small number of people who meet the diagnostic criteria for Sexual Masochism Disorder.

DSM V:

SMD DSM V criteria.PNG

The purpose of my original blog, Masochist Musing, was to come to terms with my sexuality. I failed in that endeavor.That isn’t completely true, I accepted my bisexual tendencies, but not the masochism. I imported all the posts here; everything from 2013 and 2014 is from that original blog.

Right now, I want to cut to punish myself for being a freak. 

On the bright side, I’ve stayed awake all day

. dean supernatural facepalm1

Perhaps this shame resurgence isn’t just from thinking about my brother. My mom started bugging me about online dating as soon as work ended for the year. It would make sense that thinking about dating triggers both fantasies and fears of intimacy. 

Then again, it could just be my brain cycling. If I’m not cutting or actively eating disordered, I’m focusing on BDSM… Specifically, my self-hate related to it. *sigh*

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Too Honest

Supernatural_Dean_run form what is inside you

Damn me! I just told Ginny some things I did from 13 – 18 years old that I’ve told no one other than therapists. I got kicked out of middle school for propositioning online. I went a told her the whole freaking story. I don’t know why! Damn it!! She said she’ll never judge me (unless I murder someone), but I’m scared she thinks differently of me. I think differently of me when I think about it. I’m sad, scared, anxious, worried, and afraid I damaged a friendship. Sure she’ll be nice, but will she trust me or think well of me? After all, the last time I tried, I was 18. It would be different if I was 13 the last time I acted like a whore. I never actually exchanged money for sex, but I tried, multiple times. My parents had a key logger on the family computer.

I want to cut right now. I want to peel my skin off. I am a bad person; I had no need for money.

Murder Suicide

I wish I could cut and not leave scars.

Last night, my mind turned to the dark place I avoided since Wednesday.

Holy shit. I just had a horrifying thought! My parents came to visit. Maybe my parents are a trigger. Of course, correlation does not equal causation. There are other contributing factors like perhaps the increased medication dose I started last Monday broke through on Wednesday and last night I was alone and facing the prospect of a weekend by myself.

Regardless, I was suicidal and decided no one other than my mom would suffer from my death. I could not quite get myself to believe she would not feel incomprehensible sadness. Therefore, my mind turned to… murder-suicide. *feels sick to stomach and evil* I would kill myself before ever acting on that thought, if only to protect her!

On days like this where I’m wilding going from highs to lows, I feel as if my childhood insistence that I was truly evil was correct… That there is some unnamed darkness inside me and if I don’t hurt myself, I will hurt others. I’m terrified that I am capable of acting out. I’m afraid if I stop harming myself, the anger inside me will boil over and I will hurt others. Therefore, self-destruction helps everyone.

Supernatural_Dean_run form what is inside you

After that I realized Tuesday – Friday would be the perfect time because my mom is out of town. She left today, but I’m still house sitting until Monday night. Therefore, she would not have to deal with identifying my body or receiving a call from the police.

I would not do it at home. I’d do it somewhere she never goes because I don’t want her thinking of my body hanging from the basement rafters or in the grocery store parking lot.

Fuck. I don’t even know what happened. I was FINE Friday afternoon. I was fine after they came to visit, but then an hour later I started drifting. I don’t know why. I forgot 20 mg of my meds on Friday, but that shouldn’t have any immediate effect.

I got my putty in the mail. It is pretty awesome! I played with it a little bit and it helped, but not enough. I’m saying “screw it” and ordering binge food. I resisted binging for a while and purging for even longer, but binging will numb me and purging will both punish and exhaust me.

Exhaustion reminds me of a potential cause for the suicidal relapse. One theory about anti-depressants’ suicide risk is that it gives people with depression an energy boost, before it completely kicks in. As a result, they have enough energy to carry out a plan, whereas before the medication, they were too lethargic to do anything.

I can’t tell anyone because they’re quicker to hospitalize someone for homicidal urges than suicidal urges. I believe this will pass.

My class, assuming I am both alive and not in the hospital, starts a week from tomorrow. I am scared of failing.

Hospitals and Hierarchies

Things have been chaotic.

I did not use behaviors yesterday. I slept virtually all day. However, I became acutely suicidal and looked up how to create a noose. Then I made one and tested whether it tightened. It did. For a moment, I considered going through with it. I stopped because I imagined my mom finding my body and how much that would haunt her. I also knew she’d feel immeasurable guilt. My mom needs me because my dad and brother aren’t good supports and they don’t keep in touch. Ginny would feel guilty too. All those realities made me feel guilty.

I realized I don’t actually want to die. I want the pain to stop. I want everything to go away. I want to be good enough to be useful at work… No. I want to matter.

I promised Ginny I’d either go to the ER or call my psychiatrist today. Originally I intended to do that during work, but I decided to go to work today. I was afraid if I skipped again, I’d be too embarrassed to go back. I haven’t called my psychiatrist yet, but I will. I doubt the ER will help. Inpatient won’t help me. They can’t fix me. They might keep me alive for a bit, but my intent waxes and wanes too much.

Supernatural_dean_sigh

My mom finally saw my leg. Her reaction was better than usual. She was sad and tried to help me problem solve. The issue is that her solutions aren’t actually helpful. She thinks she knows what I need to be happy and pushes those things. She is right that a boyfriend and a higher paying job would help in some ways. However, I love my current job. Eventually I want a family and I’ll need to meet someone to start a family with, but I’m not in a place where I can handle a relationship. Ugh. I was fine before I started typing this. Now, as I type this paragraph, I’m getting the urge to cut. That was last night.

This morning she was talking AT me. I got annoyed and snippy and then she got mad.

Also, I’ve lost weight and she is upset about that. I haven’t been restricting. In fact, I binged yesterday and never purged. So, I have no idea how I lost weight. Nonetheless, now she is convinced I’m restricting or purging.

Work was pretty good. I was with the kid with down syndrome all day. He was cute, as usual. He always makes me smile. He was mostly compliant and had very few behaviors. I’m still annoyed by the way they’re handling the kid I was with for a year because I still think they’re screwing up. I was able to let it go. Ha, clearly I’m not over it. What I mean by letting it go is that I was able to focus on my student and not self-injure.

I miss being in the action with the more aggressive kids. I feel useless and unwanted or second rate. Of course my opinions are ignored when I’m stuck with the easy kids. Who would listen to me?! I’m suspicious of why I’m always with the easier kids these days. I think someone thinks I am inept.

Regret that healthy choice

I’m regretting giving up my Unisom. 😦 I still can’t shake the Voice. It relishes the new ammunition it got on Monday. Before Monday I wasn’t nearly this suicidal. It was all transient passive thoughts like, “You deserve to die. You’re a burden. I wish you were dead.” Since Monday, my suicidal ideation consists of imagining lethal plans. Ginny doesn’t understand why I can’t get over it because she thinks it isn’t a big deal. She is the only one I’ve talked to about it. I can’t talk to my boss and I don’t want anyone else to know.

Supernatural_Cass_deserve to die

I can always buy more. When I bought it a year ago, I calculated the median lethal dose by kilogram (the amount at which 50% of rats died) and bought double that amount. It was a handy security blanket. No matter what happened, I had an out.

Ginny was busy tonight and my mom is sick. I spent the night looking up happy news to try to help. It didn’t work. Then I came across an article about suicide rates among eating disorder patients. It triggered a rush of suicidal thoughts.

 

 

Creating a Life Worth Living

I slept in until noon (typical for my Saturdays).

I’ve spent my day researching the best snorkeling places in the continental United States (Key West, Florida?), Hawaii, U.S. territories (Turks Bay, St. John’s, U.S. Virgin Islands), and the world (Maldives – but which island?) to plan a trip.

I’m also looking into local events and offerings like the symphony and horseback riding lessons.

No triggers, not even upset, but self-injured anyway.

What is wrong with you_Dean Winchester_Supernatural.gif

Realizations and Real Friends

I feel guilty because I found out there are some serious problems going on for Ginny. Now I feel like a bitch for complaining the other day. I didn’t say anything to her about it, of course. However, I feel guilty for thinking that she didn’t care about me

On the way home it occurred to me that the voice was clearly wrong about Ginny twice this week and circumstances irrefutably proved my paranoia wrong. I was jealous seeing Ginny hanging out with the girl who got the promotion I applied for a few months ago. I thought it meant she liked that girl better or thought she did a better as a classroom supervisor than I did when I filled in for someone on maternity leave because Ginny never hung out in my room during those months. However, it turned out Ginny has specific work related things to talk about. Then I thought she said she couldn’t go to the new concert because she truly didn’t want to go with me. Now I know there are exigent circumstances. Therefore, maybe what The Voice says about  me isn’t always right. Consequently, I don’t always have to do what it says. Sometimes I don’t, but not listening to urges has more merit if I don’t deserve pain.

Supernatural Bobby SHHH

 

I applied to another study and didn’t get in again. What a great feeling. My depression is TOO resistant to get into treatment resistant depression  studies! Wtf?