Sexuality Struggles Part 1

I recently reconnected with a previous Master (dominant) or rather, he reached out to me. Nonetheless, I’m struggling with myself again.

What kind of advice is be yourself when myself is a freak_Claudia_ Warehouse 13

I know my masochistic and submissive tendencies were formed at some point before accurate memory begins, including before any abuse. I don’t know whether they are inborn or created by other early experiences like my 6 month long NICU stay or childhood surgeries resulting in pain and restraints because I didn’t understand and tried pulling out tubes.

This matters to me because I don’t question my family’s or friends’ identifications as bi, homosexual, or another variation of attraction. They are who they are. If my masochism and submission is more akin to that because it is inborn, as opposed to environmental, perhaps it has more validity.

On the other hand, I believe sexuality can be conditioned by experience. For example, IMHO, if someone identifies as bisexual and their first few sexual experiences are with women, I think it is possible, they would begin to favor women as partners because women are now paired with sexual pleasure, whereas men are not. This is a controversial belief because it is uncomfortably close to some fundamentalist Christian beliefs that same-sex child abuse can create homosexual urges. 

Although, my mom used to counsel childhood victims of sexual abuse and she says a common theme was fear or disgust at arousal reactions to abuse. Kids worried they invited the abuse and sometimes they became attracted to older people whereas before the abuse, they did not recall such attraction. I am not saying this happens to everyone, or ever a majority.

Do you think sexuality is always innate or can it be learned? 

I’m afraid I’ll get backlash for these thoughts. So, even though I have more concerns related to my own sexual preferences, I’m going to stop here and post Part 2 later.

ETA: I’m really sorry if this offends or hurts anyone. That is absolutely not my intent!!


Be Yourself is Stupid Advice

I wish minor things like my boss posting about her new daily runs and people congratulating her on each post didn’t bother me, but it does. It is just another reason to feel inadequate.

What kind of advice is be yourself when myself is a freak_Claudia_ Warehouse 13

I avoided unfollowing her on Facebook because I am interested in the other things she posts and if I stop commenting or *liking* her posts, I’m afraid she’ll think I don’t care. However, I finally gave in and unfollowed her. I couldn’t handle it when Ginny commented too, saying they should do the same running program. It was a daily reminder of how I’m not good enough because I don’t exercise, I’m fat, and I never get that number of comments or *likes* on my posts. That means people don’t care as much about me. I’m seriously considering making a status about my weight loss. *Please, please, please let this post be enough to stop that urge*

Why would I want to be myself when no one likes me?