Sexuality Struggles Part 1

I recently reconnected with a previous Master (dominant) or rather, he reached out to me. Nonetheless, I’m struggling with myself again.

What kind of advice is be yourself when myself is a freak_Claudia_ Warehouse 13

I know my masochistic and submissive tendencies were formed at some point before accurate memory begins, including before any abuse. I don’t know whether they are inborn or created by other early experiences like my 6 month long NICU stay or childhood surgeries resulting in pain and restraints because I didn’t understand and tried pulling out tubes.

This matters to me because I don’t question my family’s or friends’ identifications as bi, homosexual, or another variation of attraction. They are who they are. If my masochism and submission is more akin to that because it is inborn, as opposed to environmental, perhaps it has more validity.

On the other hand, I believe sexuality can be conditioned by experience. For example, IMHO, if someone identifies as bisexual and their first few sexual experiences are with women, I think it is possible, they would begin to favor women as partners because women are now paired with sexual pleasure, whereas men are not. This is a controversial belief because it is uncomfortably close to some fundamentalist Christian beliefs that same-sex child abuse can create homosexual urges. 

Although, my mom used to counsel childhood victims of sexual abuse and she says a common theme was fear or disgust at arousal reactions to abuse. Kids worried they invited the abuse and sometimes they became attracted to older people whereas before the abuse, they did not recall such attraction. I am not saying this happens to everyone, or ever a majority.

Do you think sexuality is always innate or can it be learned? 

I’m afraid I’ll get backlash for these thoughts. So, even though I have more concerns related to my own sexual preferences, I’m going to stop here and post Part 2 later.

ETA: I’m really sorry if this offends or hurts anyone. That is absolutely not my intent!!

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Evolution or Reinvention

I’m moving to a state where no one knows me. I could be anyone. Other than my stupid scars, I don’t have to have a past. I know I can pretend to be bubbly and extroverted because I was as a camp counselor. I also know I can make small talk because I managed to be the talkative one at a high school friend’s baby shower, where I knew no one.

Ginny told me a while ago that I’m too intense and it is off-putting to some people at work because I’m always serious. On one hand, I’ll be surrounded by other graduate students and they may be more serious as well. On the other hand, I could try being less Olivia Dunham Season 1 and more Olivia Dunham Season 5. ;p

quicker with a smile

 

In the meantime, I’m sad that I have less than 9 days of work left. I’m avoiding packing. As I feel more sad, I’m withdrawing from friends. I’m not sure if I’m isolating to decrease the pain of leaving or if I’m isolating because that is my MO when I’m sad.

 

Have you ever moved states? If so, how did it feel and how did you handle it?

Emergency Rooms and Rehab

I am upset (worried? I have a constricting feeling in my chest that makes me feel like I can’t breathe deep enough. The pressure and tightness lead to cutting urges; SIB is like letting air out of a balloon that is about to explode) because my friend went to the ER last night and then left against medical advice.

However, I’m grateful she continues being honest with me, despite knowing I worry. I know that isn’t the case with most people.

Tara_it is ok to be worried

She lives far away now; she moved a few states away last month. We met online in high school and ended up attending the same university, even living on the same dorm floor freshman year. We’ve accompanied each other in emergency situations throughout our friendship and I worried about her having no one close by for accountability… just like I worry about myself in a month… She was doing so well!

The ER nurse wanted to commit her, but the doctor let her go with some IV fluids.

She lost 20 lbs so far this month. That is extremely fast and despite starting at a healthy weight (she did great maintaining in her ideal weight range for a few months), that speed is dangerous.

She is one of 3 friends I think won’t forget about me, even when I’m a crappy friend.

I don’t know what to do. I asked Ginny for ideas, but I think I upset her because she had a close friend die from eating disorder complications. I suggested Skype during meals and my friend agreed to that. I also suggested a G-tube and there was no comment on that idea.

Does anyone else have ideas of how I could help?

 

In other news, I miss Ginny and the group of us that went to lunch Wednesday afternoons. Surprise: I haven’t eaten lunch on Wednesday since she left. I asked Iris on Ginny’s last day and she said she wasn’t interested in hanging out once Ginny left. She has been quiet lately, but that could be because I was also quiet last week when I was out of town and running around all day and evening or it could be because I was right and she is glad to not have to deal with me in real life or she is busy with the new job and I’m not a priority (which would be understandable, I’m sure I’ll be super busy once I move and have to get used to a new environment… the fear is that trend will continue once she is settled because I’m not good enough/boring/not as involved, ex. She isn’t around to tell me anecdotes about her family, so there is less to ask about).

My grandma is in rehab after hospitalization for weakness from atrial fibrillation and a glucose measurement of 500!! I didn’t know it could go that high. She has weeping edema and heart failure.

Lots of self-injury lately. I guess it is because I can’t restrict with my new little guy. He is too active!

I was angry today. b/c my boss told me to work with another kid while a random paraprofessional and Claire changed what we (Ashley, Claire, Danielle, and I) all discussed! No one talked to me about it.

I’m not sure why I’m mad. The change appears to work. I was never against the change. I wish someone included me in the discussion. It wasn’t the change itself, so much as not being able to implement the change personally. Why did Claire and a random co-worker get to do it? Why was I not good enough to follow directions?

I thought my opinion mattered. I was wrong.

 

 

I talked to HR, my last day is in mid April.

 

Also, my grandma was hospitalized today and we’re leaving tomorrow to visit my brother anyway?!