1,000 Move

I got the internship! So, I’ll be moving in a few months!
Also, Ginny got me a neat journal for Christmas: Do Something Your Scared of Every Day


One-sided Competition to the Death

Clearly I'm not handling this well_Xander_Buffy

I’m dealing with the minor, insignificant rejection worse than I anticipated. I expected to feel hurt when I saw people’s pictures. Earlier this week, I asked my high school friend if she wanted to see Thor this weekend to distract myself. She did and that was validating. Plus, the movie was great!

However, I’m restricting and purged what I ate with her. I look like I got punched in the face and received 2 black eyes. I keep thinking, “I can’t make them like me or care, but I CAN be better than they are. I can be thinner.”

I’m dealing lots of cognitive dissonance. I know this is a small thing to worry about. I know it won’t matter in 6 months or even 2 months. Honestly, I shouldn’t care what anyone who I don’t consider a friend or above me in the workplace hierarchy thinks of me. Despite that knowledge, I feel hurt.

How do you deal with feeling left out, invisible, or disliked?


Feeling Invisible

Felicia Day_i think that is why I like video games

A coworker got married tonight and most people from  work were invited. The invitation list included people she never talks to and who she has only known a few months. In contrast, we went on a weekend winery trip together, have known each other for years, and used to work together closely. One day, at lunch, she mentioned struggling to come up with 200 people to invite and even including some coworkers she didn’t like to meet her guest list goal. I was sitting across the table from her when she said this.

Ginny was invited and said it was nice.  I asked how it s out of jealous curiosity.

I’m trying to vent my feelings here so I don’t complain to Ginny. That would be  downer. It would be unfair to bring her mood down because I am like a ghost.

I know I overreact to social stuff a lot because I’m scared everyone sees me the way I see myself… I’m try, but failing, to shut up the refrain in my head… “No one likes you. You’re unlovable, no one would notice if you starved to death. If you were good enough, people would care. If you were thin enough, people would notice. ”

How would YOU feel in this situation? Am I being an idiot?!

How many trials?!

How many trials will it take for me to know asking off work is an awful idea?! My employer’s paid time off policy is that any PTO you don’t use in a calendar year rolls over to an emergency bank. You can only use emergency bank hours for big events like hospitalization or surgery, not simple sick days. The days are not paid out if you leave the company. Therefore, you will likely lose them. When I first arrived, they paid you the unused PTO at the end of the year. That was wonderful! I know it cost them money though.

Anyway, as a result, of this policy, I took a week off. We were supposed to take a trip to see my brother, which would’ve taken my mind off myself. However, that didn’t end up happening. So, I’m just hanging out at home, wondering how my kids at work are fairing, and obsessing over eating disordered thoughts.

Bored Now_Willow_ Buffy

On the bright side, one usual reaction to boredom is self-injury or binging. I haven’t done either; I’m sleeping a lot.

Medication Experiment

It didn’t last long. I took my medication today. I couldn’t sleep last night and I need to study today. More importantly, I had a passing homicidal thought. I’ve never been tempted to act on those thoughts in the same way I’m tempted with suicide at times. However, they still terrify me! I know most people have passing thoughts when angry at loved one, but it still scares me.

In my case, I’m not angry. I think about it when I’m suicidal because I know my death would destroy my mom. Therefore, in my darkest moments, I (rarely) contemplate murder-suicide to solve the guilt over leaving my mom. I know it is messed up and irrational and wrong, but nonetheless, it comes to mind. So, back on meds I go.

Sometimes I think I’m doing the world a favor by hurting myself. My self-hate keeps to preoccupied. What if my self-hate was projected out?

LotS_nicci boils rhal

I’m mad and I want to quit my job because no one told me one of my students had a melt down Thursday.

I’m trying to figure out why this upsets me because I know it is (again) irrational.

If people thought my opinions were important or my thoughts mattered, they would’ve told me what happened on Thursday so that I could help brainstorm. Therefore, since no one told me, no one thinks my thoughts are helpful. Therefore, I am useless.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t tell a sick co-worker about the work day unless they asked. On the other OTHER hand, Ginny knew I wasn’t sick in the typical sense and knew I’d want to know about the work day. However, I did not ask because she said she needed to separate her home and work life more clearly.

She would’ve known that is why I didn’t ask. However, she was taking care of her own needs by not talking about work. That is understandable and reasonable. I could’ve asked someone else like my boss. I considered it, but I didn’t want to bother her.

Faulty assumption: If people don’t ask my opinion, they don’t want it/they think it has no value.

I can see how people probably just didn’t want to bother me, thinking I was sick, or were busy taking care of their own needs, etc… but as a general rule, I believe my assumption.

I can’t control whether people care about what I think or believe I am smart or a worthwhile member of the team. I can give my opinions politely, in the right time and place, and fuck social stories, I hate everyone because they don’t like me.

Maybe their opinions shouldn’t matter, but they matter because there is no objective measure of how much, if at fucking all, I am helping my kids. If I’m not helping them, why am I here? I shouldn’t be. There is data, but our data says nothing. WE ARE NOT HELPING.

But my issue isn’t really whether we are helping in the moment or not, there are times when I know our plans are not working. I am ok with that. We go back to the drawing board and find something that DOES work. So, I’m upset because people don’t care about what I think because that means I contribute nothing?

But it shouldn’t matter whether or not they believe I contribute… It matters because I need a job…. but would I be happy if they thought I contributed, but in reality, I did not? NO. So… I need to turn off my brain for a bit.