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eating was accomplishment not lack of willpower - Copy

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Evolution or Reinvention

I’m moving to a state where no one knows me. I could be anyone. Other than my stupid scars, I don’t have to have a past. I know I can pretend to be bubbly and extroverted because I was as a camp counselor. I also know I can make small talk because I managed to be the talkative one at a high school friend’s baby shower, where I knew no one.

Ginny told me a while ago that I’m too intense and it is off-putting to some people at work because I’m always serious. On one hand, I’ll be surrounded by other graduate students and they may be more serious as well. On the other hand, I could try being less Olivia Dunham Season 1 and more Olivia Dunham Season 5. ;p

quicker with a smile

 

In the meantime, I’m sad that I have less than 9 days of work left. I’m avoiding packing. As I feel more sad, I’m withdrawing from friends. I’m not sure if I’m isolating to decrease the pain of leaving or if I’m isolating because that is my MO when I’m sad.

 

Have you ever moved states? If so, how did it feel and how did you handle it?

Emergency Rooms and Rehab

I am upset (worried? I have a constricting feeling in my chest that makes me feel like I can’t breathe deep enough. The pressure and tightness lead to cutting urges; SIB is like letting air out of a balloon that is about to explode) because my friend went to the ER last night and then left against medical advice.

However, I’m grateful she continues being honest with me, despite knowing I worry. I know that isn’t the case with most people.

Tara_it is ok to be worried

She lives far away now; she moved a few states away last month. We met online in high school and ended up attending the same university, even living on the same dorm floor freshman year. We’ve accompanied each other in emergency situations throughout our friendship and I worried about her having no one close by for accountability… just like I worry about myself in a month… She was doing so well!

The ER nurse wanted to commit her, but the doctor let her go with some IV fluids.

She lost 20 lbs so far this month. That is extremely fast and despite starting at a healthy weight (she did great maintaining in her ideal weight range for a few months), that speed is dangerous.

She is one of 3 friends I think won’t forget about me, even when I’m a crappy friend.

I don’t know what to do. I asked Ginny for ideas, but I think I upset her because she had a close friend die from eating disorder complications. I suggested Skype during meals and my friend agreed to that. I also suggested a G-tube and there was no comment on that idea.

Does anyone else have ideas of how I could help?

 

In other news, I miss Ginny and the group of us that went to lunch Wednesday afternoons. Surprise: I haven’t eaten lunch on Wednesday since she left. I asked Iris on Ginny’s last day and she said she wasn’t interested in hanging out once Ginny left. She has been quiet lately, but that could be because I was also quiet last week when I was out of town and running around all day and evening or it could be because I was right and she is glad to not have to deal with me in real life or she is busy with the new job and I’m not a priority (which would be understandable, I’m sure I’ll be super busy once I move and have to get used to a new environment… the fear is that trend will continue once she is settled because I’m not good enough/boring/not as involved, ex. She isn’t around to tell me anecdotes about her family, so there is less to ask about).

My grandma is in rehab after hospitalization for weakness from atrial fibrillation and a glucose measurement of 500!! I didn’t know it could go that high. She has weeping edema and heart failure.

Lots of self-injury lately. I guess it is because I can’t restrict with my new little guy. He is too active!

I was angry today. b/c my boss told me to work with another kid while a random paraprofessional and Claire changed what we (Ashley, Claire, Danielle, and I) all discussed! No one talked to me about it.

I’m not sure why I’m mad. The change appears to work. I was never against the change. I wish someone included me in the discussion. It wasn’t the change itself, so much as not being able to implement the change personally. Why did Claire and a random co-worker get to do it? Why was I not good enough to follow directions?

I thought my opinion mattered. I was wrong.

 

 

I talked to HR, my last day is in mid April.

 

Also, my grandma was hospitalized today and we’re leaving tomorrow to visit my brother anyway?!

 

I’m struggling. At least, at the moment, I can identify why.  I feel I’m failing my other kids academically. In other words, I am not giving them enough help, structure, or rigor.

Self-injured yesterday, trying not to now. I know the answer is problem solving – figuring out a way to allocate my time so that everyone gets what they need. I don’t have that luxury right now b/c I have a test due in 5 hours and 4 hours left of lecture to watch before taking the test. So, I’m just going to complain right now. :p

Alexithymia Annoyance

Annoyance is the feeling, but I’m not actually feeling it. I just liked alliteration.

willow_fake smile

 

I want to cut right now and I don’t know why. I’m not thinking about anything upsetting. I’m not dissociating. I don’t feel depressed. I can’t identify any negative feelings, other than, “I-want-to-self-injure”. Lame.

I told my boss’ boss on Friday that I was leaving. That made me want to cut. I think I felt sad because I also felt like crying, but maybe it was anxiety. I’m not sure.

dean supernatural facepalm

Mind Games: Can I Forfeit?

Not matter what happens I manage to find a way I am not good enough or a scenario where I’ll mess up.

I get a student from another program: It is because my boss thinks I am too inept to handle an entirely new student.

I don’t get the student from another program: My boss thinks I am too weak and emotionally vulnerable to handle their trauma history.

LotS_Cara's WTF face

Ginny leaves and invites me to the Going Away party: My boss, my boss’s boss, my boss’s boss’s boss, and maybe even her boss will all attend. It is over the lunch hour. There will be expectations of eating and intimidating people. I’m too pathetic to act normal. They will realize I’m a freak.

Ginny leaves and does not invite me: No one likes me. Ginny is glad she never has to see me again.

sam supernatural really really are you serious face

I am working on assuming (if I’m mind reading) or acknowledging the positive.

For example, Ashley thinks I’d be good for the student with a trauma history. When I advocate for myself, she still thinks I’d be good for the student with the trauma history, but believes more strongly that I shouldn’t have to deal with the uncomfortable parallels. This means she cares about me as a human being, not that she thinks I am weak.

Today: No one else pays attention to your food intake. People will be focusing on Ginny, I don’t envy her that! If someone makes an asinine comment, you can redirect them by asking how they’ll deal without her around.

dean supernatural laughs then gets serious

 

I ended up getting the student from a public school. His first day is later this week. I’m excited!

Random note: Vomiting when sick is vastly different from purging. Ugh. However, I am NOT missing my new student’s first day or Ginny’s last day, which are both this week.