How many trials?!

How many trials will it take for me to know asking off work is an awful idea?! My employer’s paid time off policy is that any PTO you don’t use in a calendar year rolls over to an emergency bank. You can only use emergency bank hours for big events like hospitalization or surgery, not simple sick days. The days are not paid out if you leave the company. Therefore, you will likely lose them. When I first arrived, they paid you the unused PTO at the end of the year. That was wonderful! I know it cost them money though.

Anyway, as a result, of this policy, I took a week off. We were supposed to take a trip to see my brother, which would’ve taken my mind off myself. However, that didn’t end up happening. So, I’m just hanging out at home, wondering how my kids at work are fairing, and obsessing over eating disordered thoughts.

Bored Now_Willow_ Buffy

On the bright side, one usual reaction to boredom is self-injury or binging. I haven’t done either; I’m sleeping a lot.

Medication Experiment

It didn’t last long. I took my medication today. I couldn’t sleep last night and I need to study today. More importantly, I had a passing homicidal thought. I’ve never been tempted to act on those thoughts in the same way I’m tempted with suicide at times. However, they still terrify me! I know most people have passing thoughts when angry at loved one, but it still scares me.

In my case, I’m not angry. I think about it when I’m suicidal because I know my death would destroy my mom. Therefore, in my darkest moments, I (rarely) contemplate murder-suicide to solve the guilt over leaving my mom. I know it is messed up and irrational and wrong, but nonetheless, it comes to mind. So, back on meds I go.

Sometimes I think I’m doing the world a favor by hurting myself. My self-hate keeps to preoccupied. What if my self-hate was projected out?

LotS_nicci boils rhal

I’m mad and I want to quit my job because no one told me one of my students had a melt down Thursday.

I’m trying to figure out why this upsets me because I know it is (again) irrational.

If people thought my opinions were important or my thoughts mattered, they would’ve told me what happened on Thursday so that I could help brainstorm. Therefore, since no one told me, no one thinks my thoughts are helpful. Therefore, I am useless.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t tell a sick co-worker about the work day unless they asked. On the other OTHER hand, Ginny knew I wasn’t sick in the typical sense and knew I’d want to know about the work day. However, I did not ask because she said she needed to separate her home and work life more clearly.

She would’ve known that is why I didn’t ask. However, she was taking care of her own needs by not talking about work. That is understandable and reasonable. I could’ve asked someone else like my boss. I considered it, but I didn’t want to bother her.

Faulty assumption: If people don’t ask my opinion, they don’t want it/they think it has no value.

I can see how people probably just didn’t want to bother me, thinking I was sick, or were busy taking care of their own needs, etc… but as a general rule, I believe my assumption.

I can’t control whether people care about what I think or believe I am smart or a worthwhile member of the team. I can give my opinions politely, in the right time and place, and fuck social stories, I hate everyone because they don’t like me.

Maybe their opinions shouldn’t matter, but they matter because there is no objective measure of how much, if at fucking all, I am helping my kids. If I’m not helping them, why am I here? I shouldn’t be. There is data, but our data says nothing. WE ARE NOT HELPING.

But my issue isn’t really whether we are helping in the moment or not, there are times when I know our plans are not working. I am ok with that. We go back to the drawing board and find something that DOES work. So, I’m upset because people don’t care about what I think because that means I contribute nothing?

But it shouldn’t matter whether or not they believe I contribute… It matters because I need a job…. but would I be happy if they thought I contributed, but in reality, I did not? NO. So… I need to turn off my brain for a bit.

Hello, Old Friend

Hi guys. I disappeared for a bit because I didn’t feel like being positive and I didn’t feel like writing because I knew few people read this. My depression is alright, but my eating disorder is a problem again. I’m predictable like that.

I posted this on the one pro-ana website I still frequent. No one replied. I’m more convinced my fears are correct and I am a hopeless, pathetic moron because even people who refuse recovery aren’t as bad as me.

“I’m skipping work right now because I binged (less than 800 calories – I KNOW this is irrational!!) when I could easily fast. I’m house-sitting, so I’m alone. It was probably an awful idea to weigh myself. I’m up 3 pounds and therefore, too fat for anyone to see me.

I’ve only skipped work once before. It was almost a year ago and my depression was crippling. (I actually posted about it here)

The worst part is yesterday I lied to my boss to get out of a team-building lunch and she called me on my lie!! I work at a school for students with violent of self-injurious behavior; on Wednesdays, the kids go home early. We get an hour long lunch. This week she said we were all going out together. I couldn’t handle it. I’m weird about eating in front of certain people. I know some of you hate eating in front of anyone. Personally, I eat in front of strangers and loved ones without too much guilt. However, my anxiety skyrockets when I have to eat with 3 or more acquaintances. I’m afraid they’ll judge me for eating bad food and being disgusting. In contrast, I know my family and friends love me at any weight and I don’t care what strangers think.

Anyway, I planned on pushing myself and trying the lunch, but they kept changing the place we were going to eat! I kept planning meals and then having to start over. They settled on an fast food place with no good food! So, I was a weak baby and avoided it. I texted my boss that I was ill and wouldn’t make it to the lunch because I needed to go home. She said: “I know you said no eating on your sheet about team building. If you say you were studying for a final then you don’t have to ask off or anything it is optional.” I’ve never had anyone call me on an ED related lie like that except my parents and therapists. Damn, it was awkward!! Now I’m afraid she won’t trust me.

I am a pathetic piece of shit. :(

I haven’t been fired YET, but if I miss more than 3 days without 24 hour advanced notification, I get written up. I’m scared my boss will know I lied again. I hate myself!!!

Am I alone in this? Please tell me you’ve done similar things. :wacko: Can anyone tell me fucked up ED and job stories so I feel less like a freak? I feel that I deserve punishment right now. I want to cut or binge/purge (that would be insanely illogical).”

I'm evil, I'm bad, do you hear me_faith_angel.gif

*sigh*

Maybe it is karma, but every time I stand up, I get a nosebleed and feel dizzy. I couldn’t work like this.