1,000 mile move

In the next few months, I’m probably going to I will move over 1,000 miles away from home. I lived in a dorm out of state during college, but other than that, I’ve always lived at home.

I am scared.

I’m currently house-sitting and I’m successfully maintaining my weight! That gives me hope. However, it is hard. On one hand, I’m telling myself I’ll never be independent or get what I want in life if I lose weight now.  On the other hand, I’m telling myself I just need to hold out until I move and then no one will monitor my eating or health.

Somehow everyone around me is more confident than I am in myself. Even my mom thinks I can do it and she is usually cautious.

God damn it, I’m 27 years old and afraid I won’t be able to handle feeding myself. Paying bills is not a problem; I already do that. Getting up to go to work won’t be an issue. I lived without family in college, just fine. I had a roommate all 4 years, but not always friends. Yet, I survived knowing virtually no one. What does that leave? The food! I’m scared of food. My heart rate is 120 bpm and I’m sitting down typing. 

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I know one of the main functions of my eating disorder is escape and avoidance. I could let myself “relapse” and avoid moving. That would be settling for mediocrity. I cannot let myself stay stagnant because of fear. If I do, I’ll never improve… but I’m still sitting here scared…

I wish I knew what the people I love see in me. Why do they think I can be successful living on my own?

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Long to-do list, no Motivation

So many things to do and plenty of time… I’m just not doing them.

I’m sorry I’ve been AWOL. I just don’t feel like doing anything. Holiday preparations distracted me.

I’m doing a good job bugging Ginny less while she is on vacation. At the same time, I feel like her lack of communication proves she dislikes me and wants me to leave her alone. Of course, I was the one offline all day yesterday. *rolls eyes*

People’s happy holiday pictures make me feel hopeless and jealous. In other words, not much is new!

I NEED to write my statement of purpose for graduate school admission, practice for the GRE, sign up to take the GRE, lesson plan, ask for recommendations, and clean. Instead, I slept until 2 pm.

I have a word document open, but less than one sentence typed.

Family is the same, occasional occurrences of major property destruction during fights and regular arguments, followed by peace. Christmas was good, ED is harassing me though. I didn’t use behaviors, I simple felt miserable and guilty for eating too much. I realized it is kind of messed up that I value myself more when I’m disappearing. That is when I take up less space and there is less of me.

My brother is separated from him his wife. We only learned that because he said he was at home, not in her hometown. They switch off whose hometown they visit every other year. He should’ve been in her hometown. Apparently, she went without him

At this rate, I’m going to miss the application deadlines for Fall 2017, just like I missed the application deadlines for January 2017.

I know I’m behind on approving and responding to comments. I’ll get back on track soon. I hope you’ve had (or you are having) a relaxing, safe, fun, holiday season.

Not Happy with A??

WHY do I feel dissatisfied with a 96% on my final exam for my first graduate school class? This is ridiculous and even I KNOW IT. I’m frustrated that I can’t feel happy or at least relieved I passed. I’d be happy (probably) if my 96% was the high score, but it is not. I know I’m being petty loser, but I still feel like crying. I can’t explain it!

 

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Ice Storm from Hell

A few kids were stuck at school until 7 pm. I finally got home! I have a bad track record driving in ice. So, Ginny drove me home even though it is (usually) 20 minutes out of her way. It took her 7 minutes just to get out of my neighborhood!

BEFORE the ice storm, my day was stressful and from about noon onward, I looked at the clock every 5 minutes wishing it was 3 pm.

I put myself with Joe because he was mad that I switched out his staff yesterday morning. He came to school in a bad mood. He ran to recess. I made him go back and walk with me and he spent the rest of recess banging on walls and running toward doors. I thought he was going to throw a chair at the new BCBA, but he just slammed it down next to her and hit the door. I’m surprised he didn’t melt down. He is the student who takes 4 or 5 adult men to keep him safe when he melts down.

Recess was insane as a whole. Gage had at least 2 timeouts, Ron told him to shut up, Sean played on the computer (there should be no tech on recess, but I picked my battles today), Joe, as I said, was running and hitting objects, John wound up in the Quiet Room after aggression because he couldn’t play with the foam blocks, David threw a temper tantrum because he didn’t win a game, and the new kid (who I haven’t made a pseudonym for) also wound up in the Quiet Room after trying to run away and then hitting whoever stopped him. Cory was the only safe, appropriate kid who followed directions!

Sean relatively good; as usual, he purposefully annoyed others. For morning work, we worked on a word wheel where you make as many words as possible using any of the eight outer letters once and always using the center letter once. Everyone engaged in solving the puzzle, but Jacob loved it best and kept working on it during lunch. He had 33 out of 44 words. During one of their breaks, Sean erased all his work. When Jacob noticed he ripped up his paper and started crying. At that point, someone walked in and said his bus was here early because of the approaching storm. Good timing!! Jacob didn’t know who did it and Sean was smart enough to keep his mouth shut.

John was the last kid in our program at school. We were there over 3 hours past their usual time. The kids dealt with it better than I did. I scratched, bruised, and used my keys to cut when that wasn’t enough to help. My final exam is due Sunday and I haven’t studied much at all. I planned on studying, but I was stuck with the kids.

Also, someone left a pumpkin muffin on my window sill and I ate it and all the M&Ms I use as reinforcers for the kids. FAIL. I was going to purge, but Ginny was standing right next to one bathroom and one of the students was using the other bathroom. I refused their offer of dinner, but you can’t really call it restricting since I binged on stolen food.

Alone in the House with Anxiety

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My mom is leaving for 5 days tomorrow morning. I just weighed myself and I’m UP 5 pounds from Wednesday!! I haven’t talked to Ginny since Friday because I’m trying to be less of a pest and let her enjoy the holiday weekend. I’m not done watching the lectures for class tonight. Additionally, my promotion starts tomorrow, but we’re not moving the kids’ rooms around until Wednesday.

I’m concerned about my self-care while my mom is out of town. I’m not suicidal; that is positive. However, I’m worried about eating. I know I shouldn’t have weighed myself. I also know it isn’t all real weight, some of it is food and water weight. I’m still upset about the increase because some of it is real weight gain. I feel Ginny doesn’t want to talk to me and the longer we go without talking, the more distant I fear we become. Logically, I know we’re both extremely busy this weekend and it has only been 2 days. There are plenty of people I don’t talk to for 2 days and that silence doesn’t make me question our friendship. Predictably I’m anxious about the promotion. Also, I realized 2 out of the 3 kids in my room are kids I won’t restrain often, if at all. Therefore, I don’t need to eat lunch at work. I’m a tightly wound ball of anxiety right now.

 

Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving lived up (or down) to my expectations.

This year was the first Thanksgiving at our house. Previously, it was at my grandparents’ house, but they were unprepared to host since my grandma spent a large part of last week in the hospital. I helped my mom make most of the dishes and set up. All of that was fine. However, I was anxious, to the point of tears, all day anticipating the food. The meals were yummy, but I overate. Then I was in a bad mood because I felt guilty for eating too much and I hate that sick-full feeling where you’re nauseous because you ate too much. It triggers the urge to purge! I Slept for 2 hours to avoid that sick-full feeling and try to avoid purging. I still felt sick 3 hours later.  Everyone else went on a walk. They wisely chose not to wake me. If they did, I would’ve declined the invitation, but known I was alone in the house and probably purged.

Thankfully, no one uttered a word about my weight, even though it has been a hot topic recently. My grandpa commented on needing to make-up for eating, being bad for eating so much, but deserving pie because he lost weight recently. That earned him some glares and whispered scolding from my mom and grandma.

We played Taboo. That was hilarious. I love that game! I was upset most of the day, but I didn’t use any compensatory behaviors.

Today, they’re touring a historic spot outside the city. I’m at home “studying”, but I can’t concentrate because I’m frustrated with myself for not understanding the material. Therefore, my go-to coping skill is avoidance. I just napped for an hour and checked all my regular website (Ex. Facebook, Yahoo, Gmail).  Additionally, I ate two pieces of pumpkin pie. Sadly, before I ate the aforementioned pieces of pie, there was the exact number of pieces leftover for everyone to have one piece! I feel guilty about my gluttony.

The day before Thanksgiving was MUCH better! I had a lunch date with Ginny and her daughter. We talked about work and new jobs. My boss plans to leave this summer. She sent me a job posting for another company, which said they’d pay for BCBA schooling for people with my current job. However, I get a raise ($5,000/ year) come Monday when I’m officially promoted. Therefore, I doubt it would even out. Who knows…

Plus, it’ll take me a year to build up FMLA eligibility. So, I’d be SOL if I relapsed badly before that year elapsed.

Guilt and the GRE

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Procrastination Nation. I haven’t even started this weeks’ reading and lecture videos. I think I procrastinate because of imposter syndrome, youmeanme told me about it. I’m afraid I’ll prove I’m actually an unintelligent fraud. Therefore, I’m afraid to try. If I’m too sick to continue school because of my eating disorder relapse, no one can say I wasn’t smart enough for graduate school.

Yesterday was CRAZY. The 3 kids in Ashley’s room were on edge all day. John had a 35 minute screaming episode and plenty of instances of attempted aggression. However, he calmed down before lunch. I’m frustrated because neither my boss, nor Ashley active ignored his screaming like we’re supposed to! Plus, I was his staff and they kept taking over! So, not only where they taking over when they didn’t need to, but also when they took over they did the wrong thing!

I was with David in the afternoon. He was cranky all day, but safe until Music. I HATE MUSIC. We were in the gym and a student from another program walked through the circle of kids. He hit Cory and John and then kicked David. David tried to run after him to attack him back. We ended up in a restraint for 12 minutes. I felt guilty because I failed to block the other kid’s kick. I knew he was likely to try to hurt the next kid he passed, since he’d just hit Cory and John. I’m trying to remind myself that there were 7 other adults involved. No one, not even that student’s staff, successfully blocked his aggression. I tried and the other person working with David tried, but she failed too. I’m not sure why the other student’s 2 staff didn’t restrain him as soon as he hit John, but they let him keep walking through the circle. I wanted to cut afterwards. I also feel mad at myself because Ashley needed to step in on the transport when I couldn’t control David’s legs safely.

Later the kid who ran away a few weeks ago almost went into crisis and stormed out of the gym when he was told to give David a baseball bat at the end of his break. David in turn, ran into another room, and a 3rd student had a melt down because someone else had his bat!

I slept for an hour after work!

 

In other news: The GRE approved my disability accommodations! Now I can start studying and pick a date.