If you want to change the world…

Mother Teresa Love Your Family Quote Inspirational Quotes If You Want To Change The World, Go Home And

2 more months of school and 3 more months until I am home for good! I have a job lined up. I still have a mountain of work separating me from the finish line, but it is conquerable. I’m home for the weekend, visiting my almost 16 year old dog. I’m not perfect and my family isn’t perfect, but I love them fiercely.  I love their compassion for her, soaking her paws twice a day, after she injured herself by pacing all night. I appreciate their patience with me ❤

This quote spoke to me because I’m reading a parenting book for a class and it hammers home the idea that the family is where nurturing, education, empathy, and resilience begin.

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It is Not Over Yet

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I’m trying to remember this and struggling not to give up. I have 2 more months of school. I can do this. I just have to turn in all the work on time from now on and attend all my classes… I’m supposed to be in one at the moment, but I overslept.

I need to implement a BIP for excessive (escape motivated) sleep. Next week I’m going to start implementing some of these strategies:

Behavioral Treatment of Insomnia in Bipolar Disorder

 

and

Interventions for Sleep Disturbance in Bipolar Disorder

Successful Coping Skill for Self-Injury

Long time no see.

Grad school is stressful (duh) and living on my own, in a new state, means much less support. However, I’ve managed relatively well. I’ve caused some bumps along the way, but I still have my internship and I’ve passed 2 out of 3 semesters. I’m about 1/2 through with my last semester right now!

I haven’t forgotten about the peeps who are just here for the inspirational pic 😉

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However, this week, stress has come to a head. Long story short: I was battling severe Self-injurious behavior urges today.

Details: I hadn’t slept in almost 48 hours because I am overwhelmed with the workload this semester and anxious I won’t pass. Granted, I am always anxious I won’t measure up. To be fair, this semester, the concern is warranted. I am currently failing one class. Uh oh!!

Using the syllabus I calculated the remaining possible points in the course and I can still pass as long as I do well on the midterm and final exams. The midterm is next week! I am extremely behind in reading. The exam is essay based and the questions come from the reading. Of course, this is no ones fault, but my own…

Anyway, the urges were intense enough that I was unable to function. I did not go to work yesterday. I got nothing done for school or my practicum, even though (for once) I was awake all day. This morning, intrusive images made it tough to distract from the urges. When suicidal thoughts and a plan entered the picture, I decided riding out the urges was not a safe option.

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In treatment, people sometimes held ice as a coping skill because it causes pain, but no tissue damage (as long as you are careful to watch for frostbite and are able to curtail the SIB urges enough to take off the ice as needed, if tissue damage begins). I find that a little helpful. The pain works to elevate my mood. However, blood is a strong motivation for me as well. It is a discriminative stimulus for relief from overwhelming negative emotions. The sight of my own blood is so strongly paired with SIB that without it, the compulsion remains.

Therefore, I tried something new! I froze ice cubes made by mixing red food coloring with water.

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It worked wonderfully!!! 🙂

 

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Next time I’ll do a few things differently. I’ll put a towel down under my arm to avoid staining. I got the red  out of the counter tops, but it took a few seconds with a Brillo pad. Additionally, I’ll have paper towels within reach.

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Surprisingly, the red dye came out of the silicon ice cube tray without a hitch,

The important take away is I avoided self-injuring despite struggling with the urges for over 24 hours.

 

If seeing blood and feeling pain are part of your self-injury, are there other ways you sublimate the urge? What works for you? I hope this helps someone avoid SIB.

 

 

Still Alive, Kinda Hopeful

Hi All,

Thanks for checking my blog even though I’ve been severely derelict about posting. 

Listening to Pink’s “Conversations with my 13 year old self” while procrastinating for finals reminded me of the sad drawings I used to doodle in Middle School. I updated my typical picture. There is no longer a cage surrounding the child I used to be…. though my drawing skills have not improved one iota in 15 years! 

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The random object to  my left is my first attempt at a leg. Woot for not tearing it up

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Also, I found an awesome, sweet, cuddly, hilarious kitty wandering around my apartment complex about a month ago. The leasing office called the sheriff and he had no microchip. They kept him for a day and then prepared to turn him over to a shelter. He is so people-oriented I thought he would not handle a shelter well. Someone loved him and misses him. We put up flyers and posted on local lost pet websites. I’ve fallen in love. Here is my buddy: 

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What gives you hope? Are you holding on for someone you love, future aspirations, or something else? 

Now I’m off to study… maybe 😉 

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Escape and Evade

I got more corrective feedback than usual today.

I was already struggling since returning from a trip home over the holiday weekend.

I miss my friends and family. I miss my dogs. I miss my co-workers and kids. I miss feeling like I knew what I was doing. I miss knowing my boss thought I was good at my job, even when I didn’t.

I want more training. I didn’t receive the training I was supposed to because they’re short staffed. People expect me to know stuff that I don’t know because of my years of experience, but working with preschool kids is very different. I know the remedy is to ask for more training, but I feel like a burden to them and they’ll think even worse of me.

I’m flailing today. I ate 360 calories and burned myself on purpose. I want to run away. I’m having suicidal thoughts, even though I don’t want to die, exactly. I just want to escape these feelings.

I want to go home.

First Day!

Starting something new is hard. I suppose it is hard for most people. I’m anxious that people will think I’m inept and stupid. *deep breaths* Time to put all these positive thoughts into action! Fake it til you make it.

 

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I’ll update you at the end of the day. I know no one here cares about my complaining; people are understandably interested in the positive posts. :p However, the reason I revived this blog in 2016 was to sublimate my urge to vent about excessive worry and maladaptive behaviors to family and friends because those conversations bugged them. So please bear with me. Talking to you often helps get that out of my system, especially when people comment because then it feels like someone hears me.

Anyway, have a good day!