Emergency Rooms and Rehab

I am upset (worried? I have a constricting feeling in my chest that makes me feel like I can’t breathe deep enough. The pressure and tightness lead to cutting urges; SIB is like letting air out of a balloon that is about to explode) because my friend went to the ER last night and then left against medical advice.

However, I’m grateful she continues being honest with me, despite knowing I worry. I know that isn’t the case with most people.

Tara_it is ok to be worried

She lives far away now; she moved a few states away last month. We met online in high school and ended up attending the same university, even living on the same dorm floor freshman year. We’ve accompanied each other in emergency situations throughout our friendship and I worried about her having no one close by for accountability… just like I worry about myself in a month… She was doing so well!

The ER nurse wanted to commit her, but the doctor let her go with some IV fluids.

She lost 20 lbs so far this month. That is extremely fast and despite starting at a healthy weight (she did great maintaining in her ideal weight range for a few months), that speed is dangerous.

She is one of 3 friends I think won’t forget about me, even when I’m a crappy friend.

I don’t know what to do. I asked Ginny for ideas, but I think I upset her because she had a close friend die from eating disorder complications. I suggested Skype during meals and my friend agreed to that. I also suggested a G-tube and there was no comment on that idea.

Does anyone else have ideas of how I could help?

 

In other news, I miss Ginny and the group of us that went to lunch Wednesday afternoons. Surprise: I haven’t eaten lunch on Wednesday since she left. I asked Iris on Ginny’s last day and she said she wasn’t interested in hanging out once Ginny left. She has been quiet lately, but that could be because I was also quiet last week when I was out of town and running around all day and evening or it could be because I was right and she is glad to not have to deal with me in real life or she is busy with the new job and I’m not a priority (which would be understandable, I’m sure I’ll be super busy once I move and have to get used to a new environment… the fear is that trend will continue once she is settled because I’m not good enough/boring/not as involved, ex. She isn’t around to tell me anecdotes about her family, so there is less to ask about).

My grandma is in rehab after hospitalization for weakness from atrial fibrillation and a glucose measurement of 500!! I didn’t know it could go that high. She has weeping edema and heart failure.

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Silver Hill Hospital

Has anyone with an eating disorder gone there this year or in 2016? The recently (sometime in 2015, but Idk when) opened a ED residential house and specifically mentioned sending some ED patients who needed “extra help” for motivation or weight gain to their inpatient acute care unit.

Do they ever use NG tubes or NJ tubes at Silver Hill Hospital?

I can’t find the answer anywhere!! I asked them online and they wouldn’t tell me; they said to call.

Bad Choices

I skipped work. I’ve never done that before. 😥

I’m too lazy to get dressed or leave the house. Therefore, I don’t have much to binge on. That said I am currently devouring a pint of ice cream.

What I really want to do is overdose on laxatives. I don’t want to use them to purge or die; I want punish myself. It seems fitting since I said I was sick all morning. Stimulant laxatives hurt. I have a box sitting in front of me. So far, I haven’t taken any.

It is funny certain numbers jump in my head like 5 times the dose because 5 is a multiple of 5 or 6 times the dose because it is one more than 5 or 10 or 11 times the dose or the same reasons.

 

Edited to Add: It is like a sign. The first blister pack in the box has 12 pills in it because some were missing. That is exactly 6 times the dose.

Edited again: It is now 1:48 pm (about 2 hours later). I still haven’t taken them, even though they’re still sitting next to me. It is kind of nice to have this record of all the urges I haven’t acted on. Usually, I only remember the failures.

you are not a failure until you stop trying.jpg

Happy Unmedicated Labor Day

The pharmacy was closed today. So I couldn’t get my new medication or refills. Tomorrow I’ll be unmedicated. Yay. I hope I can hold it together at work tomorrow. None of them have ever seen me without medication. Since I woke up too late to take Adderall, I’ve grazed all day. When I couldn’t buy my meds, I bought $30 worth of binge food. I just ate a pint of ice cream.

Fun fact: Häagen-Dazs brownies are much better than the brownies in Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

On the bright side, I didn’t buy new sleeping pills, which I considered. I don’t feel too bad at the moment, my self-talk was simply dangerous.

I found a box cutter in my room. I knew I still had one somewhere, but I couldn’t find it the night before I gave them all to Ginny. Crap. As soon as I saw it, I wanted to cut, even though I was fine a moment before. Way to go conditioning.

I accidently opened the wounds from Monday while showering. I thought I was okay because I stopped the blood. I was wrong. It bled through my khaki pants.

Despite all this, I feel okay. I’m extremely anxious about tomorrow. I’d consider calling off, but I missed too much work because of surgery.

Research Studies for Depression

I’m investigating clinical studies for depression treatment.

Okay_olvia_Observer Boy_Fringe

Sadly, many of them exclude people with eating disorders.

My mom’s reaction surprised me! She wasn’t completely opposed to the idea. Now to broach the subject with my psychiatrist…

 

Dentist: It was perfect! NO teeth problems!

The Bulimic and the Dentist

WOW, I woke up at 8:20 am!

In about 3 hours, I have a dentist appointment for the first time in years. I’m nervous. They know about my bulimia, but I was recovered for 2 years. 4 years prior to that I only went through spurts of purging relapses, never long enough to retain my old bulimia diagnosis. I had an EDNOS diagnosis. As of June, I met the DSM V criteria for Bulimia Nervosa for the first time since 2009. Therefore, I’ve purged a lot since March. (The criteria specifies purging one a week – the DSM IV said twice a week – for at least 3 months.) I’m anxious about the damage to my teeth.

Olivia_Scared

My grandma is in surgery right now to remove a breast cancer tumor. She is one strong woman! She battled uterine cancer, leukemia, and a previous bout of breast cancer. Luckily, they caught it early; it is stage 1 and a relatively non-aggressive type of cancer. My mom is at the hospital with her, just like she was at the hospital with me 2 weeks ago for my eye surgery.

Yesterday: I purged. I napped, BUT only for an hour. That IS progress. It is a normal amount of napping (Right?), as opposed to my usual 3 hour naps! I did not binge. Yes, I ate ice cream, but it was a typical serving size and I did not feel out of control. Two steps forward, one step back. Overall, I’m pleased.

THANK YOU

did i fall asleep1_Echo_Dollhouse - Copy

YES!! I finally got a good stretch of sleep in! At 44 hours, I finally got to sleep for 3 hours! 😀

It was a good thing I preemptively texted work last night to call off again because my mom came in why I wasn’t awake, a few minutes after I usually leave for work! Okay, going to try to go back to sleep. 🙂