Silver Hill Hospital

Has anyone with an eating disorder gone there this year or in 2016? The recently (sometime in 2015, but Idk when) opened a ED residential house and specifically mentioned sending some ED patients who needed “extra help” for motivation or weight gain to their inpatient acute care unit.

Do they ever use NG tubes or NJ tubes at Silver Hill Hospital?

I can’t find the answer anywhere!! I asked them online and they wouldn’t tell me; they said to call.

Bad Choices

I skipped work. I’ve never done that before. 😥

I’m too lazy to get dressed or leave the house. Therefore, I don’t have much to binge on. That said I am currently devouring a pint of ice cream.

What I really want to do is overdose on laxatives. I don’t want to use them to purge or die; I want punish myself. It seems fitting since I said I was sick all morning. Stimulant laxatives hurt. I have a box sitting in front of me. So far, I haven’t taken any.

It is funny certain numbers jump in my head like 5 times the dose because 5 is a multiple of 5 or 6 times the dose because it is one more than 5 or 10 or 11 times the dose or the same reasons.

 

Edited to Add: It is like a sign. The first blister pack in the box has 12 pills in it because some were missing. That is exactly 6 times the dose.

Edited again: It is now 1:48 pm (about 2 hours later). I still haven’t taken them, even though they’re still sitting next to me. It is kind of nice to have this record of all the urges I haven’t acted on. Usually, I only remember the failures.

you are not a failure until you stop trying.jpg

Happy Unmedicated Labor Day

The pharmacy was closed today. So I couldn’t get my new medication or refills. Tomorrow I’ll be unmedicated. Yay. I hope I can hold it together at work tomorrow. None of them have ever seen me without medication. Since I woke up too late to take Adderall, I’ve grazed all day. When I couldn’t buy my meds, I bought $30 worth of binge food. I just ate a pint of ice cream.

Fun fact: Häagen-Dazs brownies are much better than the brownies in Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

On the bright side, I didn’t buy new sleeping pills, which I considered. I don’t feel too bad at the moment, my self-talk was simply dangerous.

I found a box cutter in my room. I knew I still had one somewhere, but I couldn’t find it the night before I gave them all to Ginny. Crap. As soon as I saw it, I wanted to cut, even though I was fine a moment before. Way to go conditioning.

I accidently opened the wounds from Monday while showering. I thought I was okay because I stopped the blood. I was wrong. It bled through my khaki pants.

Despite all this, I feel okay. I’m extremely anxious about tomorrow. I’d consider calling off, but I missed too much work because of surgery.

Research Studies for Depression

I’m investigating clinical studies for depression treatment.

Okay_olvia_Observer Boy_Fringe

Sadly, many of them exclude people with eating disorders.

My mom’s reaction surprised me! She wasn’t completely opposed to the idea. Now to broach the subject with my psychiatrist…

 

Dentist: It was perfect! NO teeth problems!

The Bulimic and the Dentist

WOW, I woke up at 8:20 am!

In about 3 hours, I have a dentist appointment for the first time in years. I’m nervous. They know about my bulimia, but I was recovered for 2 years. 4 years prior to that I only went through spurts of purging relapses, never long enough to retain my old bulimia diagnosis. I had an EDNOS diagnosis. As of June, I met the DSM V criteria for Bulimia Nervosa for the first time since 2009. Therefore, I’ve purged a lot since March. (The criteria specifies purging one a week – the DSM IV said twice a week – for at least 3 months.) I’m anxious about the damage to my teeth.

Olivia_Scared

My grandma is in surgery right now to remove a breast cancer tumor. She is one strong woman! She battled uterine cancer, leukemia, and a previous bout of breast cancer. Luckily, they caught it early; it is stage 1 and a relatively non-aggressive type of cancer. My mom is at the hospital with her, just like she was at the hospital with me 2 weeks ago for my eye surgery.

Yesterday: I purged. I napped, BUT only for an hour. That IS progress. It is a normal amount of napping (Right?), as opposed to my usual 3 hour naps! I did not binge. Yes, I ate ice cream, but it was a typical serving size and I did not feel out of control. Two steps forward, one step back. Overall, I’m pleased.

THANK YOU

did i fall asleep1_Echo_Dollhouse - Copy

YES!! I finally got a good stretch of sleep in! At 44 hours, I finally got to sleep for 3 hours! 😀

It was a good thing I preemptively texted work last night to call off again because my mom came in why I wasn’t awake, a few minutes after I usually leave for work! Okay, going to try to go back to sleep. 🙂

No Hallucinations, Bored

Ugh, I’m bored. Maybe I should clean or something useful, but I can’t because that would wake my parents.

In the past 42 hours, I’ve had 30 minutes of sleep.

Started hallucinating (minor, people moving the periphery of my vision, hearing drills and hammers when the construction people had already left) around hour 29, I successfully napped around hour 31. Since then no more hallucinations, but also no more sleep. Sometimes I feel tired, sometimes I don’t, but I’m not motivated to do anything and I’m not happy.

Bored Now_Willow_ Buffy

I was paranoid I was going into a manic episode, but then I realized that wasn’t the problem because I WANT to rest (except the hours I’m not tired at all like when I woke up from my nap). Right now, I don’t care about sleep. I don’t feel like it.

Theoretically, I had hypomanic episodes in the past. Various professionals say Borderline, others say Bipolar II. Borderline makes more sense to me because my mood swings are most often caused by minor external events and my cognitive reaction to them, as opposed to purely biological mood swings in Bipolar. However, the first doc to Dx me with Bipolar also put me on a mood stabilizer and I’ve been on it for almost 10 years because it helped so much. Anyway, I was worried because if the I-have-Bipolar II camp is right, I am at high risk for a manic episode. I was reading the DSM 5 today and it was some huge proportion of Bipolar II patients eventually have a full blown manic episode.

*shrug* I don’t think that is the case. I’m rambling. I might also be repeating myself. I’m going to go check.